Never Graduate

Thanks to Bruins Nation for reminding me of this:



Happy Halloween.

Baseball Is Most Exciting When It's Not Being Played

Where were my readers last night to warm me that a small Lakers lineup of Farmar, Fisher, and Kobe could take a 12 point deficit and turn it into a tie game in just a minute and a half? I've taken enough losses to know not to start counting my money before the final buzzer sounds, but that was brutal. A few more games like that and my kneecaps will look Adam Morrison's. Oh well, I won't focus on the things I don't have- like say, money- and instead concentrate on the things I do have- such as an extensive collection of Lucy Pinder pictures to refer to when With Leather is having trouble making an ID of a random bikini pic.

Elsewhere in the sports world, the baseball offseason is actually more interesting than the World Series was.

Padres CF Mike Cameron has been suspended for 25 games as the result of failing a second test for an illegal stimulant. He of course says that it must be the result of taking a tainted supplement. Why can't I ever get any roids or an extra jolt out of my Vitamin Water? And what is up with San Diego athletes and tainted supplements? Maybe they should stop buying their "supplements" at the pharmacias on Avenida Revolucion in Tijuana.

In a related story, Tony Gwynn says that his enormous weight gain is also the result of tainted supplements. He thought he was taking giant, chewable vitamins. It turns out that they were cheeseburgers.

In an interview with the Denver Post, Rockies owner Charlie Monfort claimed that his team was better than the Red Sox, insisting, "You give us 10 games against them, we'll beat them six." Damn. It's a shame that the WS isn't a best of 10 series, because the Rockies were just about to rip off six in a row. By the way, what would happen if a best of 10 series ended in a 5-5 tie? Maybe Selig would award the world championship to the team coming from the league that had the lowest pitch count in the All-Star game.

Monfort also thanked his players for their performance, saying "They've brought credibility back to the franchise, not that we ever lost it."

Other statements from Monfort may include:

"This Rockies team proved that God is alive and well, not that He ever really needed any proof."

"I'd like to thank Viagra for giving me a full, rigid erection, not that I ever needed Viagra in the first place."

While noone is confirming the NY Post story, it appears that Joe Torre is headed to Los Angeles to manage the Dodgers. Upon hearing the news, Dodgers reliever Scott Procter went ahead and called Dr. Frank Jobe to schedule his Tommy John surgery for July of 2008.

Overall, the role of the manager is probably overrated, but one thing Joe Torre has is experience in situations that the Dodgers need to be in. I'm not referring to managing in the World Series. I'm more interested in his ability to take a hitter who can't hit worth a lick and sit him on the bench for the majority of the season, despite the fact that the hitter is collecting a giant paycheck andis virtually untradeable. If Torre can do that with the slap-hitting, no-walking, noodle-armed Juan Pierre then maybe the Dodgers can go places, afterall.

You Know Who Else I Missed? My Bookie.

Can someone explain to me why Houston is only a 5 point favorite at the Lakers tonight? The Lakers are a mess while they wait to see what they can get for Kobe. Lamar Odom is still out while he recovers from shoulder surgery. The second scoring option for the Lakers is probably Derek Fisher. How is the crowd going to respond to the Kobe situation? Among the few people that go to Staples for the game rather than to be seen, there will be anti-Kobe and anti-management contingencies. Either way, that's a bad vibe.

If this were a 1st round playoff game, I'd be concerned about TMac handling his business. But in the regular season, he and Yao should dominate.

Someone talk me out of this bet. What am I missing?

There's Gold In Them Thar Hills

Sunday, I went up to the Bay Area to catch the Saints play at the 49ers. When I got the tickets before the season started, I thought it would be a marquee matchup. As it turns out, the Saints have been an early disappointment (although in their weakened division, they're still very much in the thick of things) and the Niners are looking to keep the Patriots dynasty alive with a top 5 draft pick, as NE owns SF's pick next year. Both teams went into the game with identical records, so one might have anticipated it to be an evenly matched game. As most of you know, it was a blowout.

But while the game itself wasn't very entertaining, fans at Candlestick - sorry, Monster Park - still had plenty to cheer about. It was the weekend before Halloween, and at halftime, the Gold Rush Girls chose to honor that glorious Holiday by changing from their revealing cheer outfits into revealing costumes. As I've written before, I love when cheerleaders wear costumes because they are fulfilling the role of two fantasies simultaneously: Cheerleader/Nurse, Cheerleader/Cowgirl, Cheerleader/Alice in Wonderland (don't judge me). Fortunately, I brought my camera with me. I just wish I had one w/ a better zoom. Here are some pics from the game. Any inclusion of actual players is purely incidental:







Boy, I sure did miss football.

I Just Needed a Refresher Course

Through the years, I've overindulged in many vices and diversions- poker, the stock market, porn, etc. - only to find myself overdoing it and eventually burning out. But through it all, one thing remained a constant joy. Sports. I've loved sports for as long as I can remember and could never get enough of it. Then a few weeks ago, the strangest thing happened to me. I actually got burned out on sports. It was a very disorienting and unsettling feeling.

So, as you have seen, I took some time off from the site. I spent that time doing the things that a responsible adult might do. I read a few books, spent more time with the family, and when I did surf the net, I went to actual news sites rather than sports. I stimulated some neurons that had been hibernating for a long, long time. And while that was a very satisfying and rewarding experience, as the days went on, I found myself missing the site. I missed having the outlet to make juvenille jokes about immature athletes. I missed the comradarie with other writers on the net. I missed having the excuse to surf the net for pics of coeds in various states of undress.

Fortunately, I didn't actually lose all that many readers since the majority of my hits come from people google searching for wet tshirt, erin andrews or louisville cheerleader pics. I think there have only been a handful of people who actually sought out this site for my commentary (Hi, Mom!). To those people, I apologize for the absence. To the rest- well, here ya go, you pervs.

Thank God There's Only One Actober

Blogger is going to be shut down for maintenance in a little bit, so I'll have to wait until late tonight for my football recap. (Ok, it doesn't shut down for 3 more hrs, but honestly, I've got nuthin' right now). In the meantime, here's a nice parody of those god awful Dane Cook Actober commercials, courtesy of SNL's Jason Sudekis.

The Nightcap

This week it was announced that Miller Brewing company will be merging with Molson-Coors to form a new company, MillerCoors. The resulting company will still produce both Miller and Coors, so the impact on the consumer is minimal. However the More Taste League has been shaken to its core. After spending the last few months telling everyone that Miller Lite was the only sanctioned beer of the MTL, the Commish will now be forced to admit Coors Lite as a member despite no change to their formula. I feel like Dr. Cox has been lying to me all along. I no longer know what to believe is the Yin or the Yang, the Bada or the Bing. It's a confusing world, and I need a drink...

I realize that the networks fear that a matchup won't be compelling unless it has a catchy little label, but I'd like to think that ESPN could have done a better job than "The Duel in Dallas" to hype up the upcoming Patriots/Cowboys game. Tho in their defense, I suppose it is a little easier to read on the screen than "The Battle Between Coaches that Succeeded Bill Parcells but with Far Greater Results, Thereby Exposing The 'Legend' as Nothing More Than a New Jersey Con Artist..."

I'm glad that TBS got its HD feed up and running in time for the playoffs, but I'm going to need to get a bigger TV if I want to fit Tony Gwynn on my widescreen during shots of the press box...

During the game, the tv crew announced that Tony Gwynn became a grandfather this past Tuesday. Because of the break between the NLDS and NLCS, Gwynn was able to make it to the hospital to visit his grandson. It marked the first time he was in the room with something that weighed under 10 pounds and he didn't eat it...

I don't mean to dwell on how big Mr. Gwynn has become, but tonight, Kirby Puckett's ghost emerged from the grave to let Tony know that he'd let himself go. Then he groped a chick out by the DBacks pool...

During the controversial interference call at second base, ESPNRadio's Dave Campbell criticized the umpire's decision to call the batter out, but allowed that, "the call wasn't 100% wrong." After seeing the replays, I'd say the call was only 35% wrong, but since it's a make-believe metric, I'm willing to take competing opinions...

Comment made by my five year-old son around the 7th inning: "I'm tired of seeing that Frank guy (Caliendo) all the time." And this is coming from a kid who asks me to Tivo the cartoon he's watching so he can see it again as soon as it ends. Frank Caliendo makes me miss the days when all TBS had to show when there wasn't a game on was The Andy Griffith Show and The Beverly Hillbillies...

In football news, USC has announced that Mark Sanchez will replace an injured John David Booty at QB this week. Sanchez will be making his first collegiate start, but fortunately for USC, Mark Sanchez has experience in taking advantage of a knocked out booty.

Allegedly.

Hey, I Never Said I Was Alfred Einstein

After the horrendous picks I made two weeks ago, I considered discontinuing this feature of the blog. But then I realized a few things. First, I doubt anyone gives my picks any credibility to begin with. Second, it's unlikely that it's my selections that are the biggest draw to these posts. And lastly, Peter King and Chris Mortensen get things wrong on a weekly basis but that never deters them from publishing their columns. So with that, I proudly present my college picks for the week.

Boston College -13.5 at Notre Dame
Notre Dame finally has a win, but their offense still stinks. Boston College will not oblige the Irish with seven turnovers like UCLA did last week. If the Eagles have their 3rd string QB in the game, it will only be because they are up 50 points. This has "bet the house" written all over it; and if I had any more houses to bet away, I probably would.

Washington State +19 at Oregon
With the way things are going in college football this season, I'm not going to try to overthink things. Anytime there's a big underdog, I'm taking the points, unless that underdog happens to have an angry leprechaun as their mascot. So while I don't really have a compelling reason to believe that the Cougars can compete in Autzen Stadium (tho Alex Brink's 17/5 TD to Int ratio ain't too shabby), I wouldn't have been able to give a scenario in which Stanford could beat 'SC either. The Pac-10's leading receiver, Brandon Gibson, is doubtful for the game. Given the recent exhumation in the news, perhaps Wazzu can rally around their fallen comrade and "beat one spread for the Gibber." It doesn't quite have the same ring to it, but I'll take it.

Missouri +12 at Oklahoma
Missouri's offense can really light up the scoreboard. Granted they haven't played a defense as good as Oklahoma's yet, but nevertheless, Chase Daniel and co. have yet to be held under 38 points in a game. They are fourth nationally in total offense. Meanwhile, Oklahoma's offense has slowed down considerably since the Big 12 season began. After two games, they are only +4 in net points in conference play. Mizzou should be able to stay within striking distance the entire game, putting themselves in a position to pull off yet another upset in what has already been a wildly unpredictable year.

Wyoming -3.5 vs New Mexico
This does have some of the appearances of a trap game. This game is sandwiched between Wyoming's victory over TCU and a trip to Air Force. But ultimately, Wyoming's home field advanage should be worth enough points for the conference leader to cover the spread.

Washington +11.5 at ASU
The Huskies have lost three in a row, but they were in the game at the start of the 4th quarter in each one of them. ASU may also find themselves guilty of looking ahead to their next two games which are against Cal and Oregon. I think the Sun Devils will still be undefeated when this game is over, but it's going to be a bigger struggle than they're expecting.

Vanderbilt +7 vs Georgia
Last season, Georgia played Tennessee and Vanderbilt back to back, only both games were at home. Georgia lost to Tennessee 51-33 and then followed that up with a 24-22 loss to Vanderbilt. Last week, Georgia lost to Tennessee by three touchdowns. I'll bet on history to repeat itself.

(YTD: 18-15)

The York Family Is On a Quest For Fun

After 10 years of failed efforts to build a new stadium in the toxic waste dump surrounding Candlestick Point, the Forty Niners have decided to concentrate their efforts on locating their future home near their training facility in Santa Clara. In order for the project to come to fruition, the Niners will need to utilize land that is currently owned by the Great America theme park. Unfortunately, the park opposes the move and is not cooperating with either the team or the city. However, they have indicated that they are willing to sell the park to the 49ers organization. The Niners are considering making such a move.

If the team does buy Great America, look for them to renovate some of the park to provide greater synergy between theme park operations and the football franchise. Some of the changes may include:

Joe Mountana
This old school wooden roller coaster is a timeless classic. There's nothing too fancy about this ride, but you can always count on it for some thrilling moments. While it may start slow, the final two minutes are where you get your money's worth.

Steve Young's Slingshot
Built in the shadows cast by the enormous Joe Mountana, this modern steel ride provides endless excitement with its twists and turns. With rigid shoulder harnesses that latch tightly around your back, it is the fastest ride in the park. However it's always Joe Mountana that gets put on the cover of the brochures.

Tempest Overload
Inspired by that other T.O., this coaster has the biggest drops of any ride in the park.

Jeff Garcia's Wet Adventure
This log ride takes you through an endless array of tunnels before a final climax that is sure to leave everyone dripping.

Jerry Rice's Endless Journey
While it was acclaimed to be the greatest coaster in the world at the time it was built, most visitors don't really think it offers anything different than what modern coasters provide. Where it does separate itself from other rides is that it boasts the world's longest track. Also, at the end of the journey, be sure to stop off at the arcade where kids of all ages can enjoy a game of Jerry's Dance Dance Revolution.

Alex Smith's Road to Victory
This racing project is still under construction.

The Tailgate
With a menu inspired by the tailgaters found outside Candlestick Park, this concession area sells some of the finest cheeses and wines that Napa has to offer.

The Mike Nolan Kid Zone
A great spot to take your kids, this area features old-fashioned rides that come with no risks at all. Signs remind kids to "Be like Mike. Play it safe."

Finally, when your day is over and your legs are too heavy to walk back to the parking lot, take advantage of the free courtesy shuttle. The "Bus(t) of the Future" is a zero emissions vehicle which operates in short intervals and will be driven by the likes of JJ Stokes, Rashaun Woods, Giovanni Carmazzi, and Jim Druckenmiller.

Unfortunately the Niners cheerleaders, the Gold Rush, will not be incorporated into the park as labor laws prevent the organization from paying them their usual 15 dollars a day.

Well, it might not be the greatest plan, but at least they can't do any worse than what they've done with their football team.

At Least He Didn't Commandeer a Camera Too

Suzy Kolber just described Marshawn Lynch as "unassuming" and as "someone who shies away from being the star."

In case Suzy missed this during the course of her cracker jack research, here's a highlight of that unassuming Marshawn at Cal.



Look at that shy guy. He's so afraid of the spotlight, he has to race away from it.

UCLA May Now Begin Auditions for a New Head Coach

So much for my impromptu vacation. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

Without a doubt, the big winners this weekend were UCLA football fans. Sure, right now they might be filled with anger and shame, but that embarassing, pathetic loss to Notre Dame was actually a blessing for their program. That defeat combined with USC's loss erased any possibility that Karl Dorrell could save his job beyond this season. With Dorrell, the program was destined for perpetual mediocrity. At least now, there's hope for the future. Message to Chris Peterson: I'm sure you're happy at Boise State, but UCLA isn't a bad place to be either. Ok, the Rose Bowl doesn't come with blue turf, but on the plus side, the campus is just a few miles down Sunset from the Church of Scientology headquarters. Think about it. What would Xenu do???

It would be a convenient excuse for Karl Dorrell to highlight the fact that he was playing the majority of the Notre Dame game with his 3rd string QB, a walk-on freshman with little experience (or discernible talent). Unfortunately for Captain Karl, Stanford managed to beat #2 USC in the LA Coliseum with a sophomore QB, Tavita Pritchard. Pritchard had only thrown three collegiate passes entering the game, and yet Jim Harbaugh was able to coach him up to the extent that he pulled off the greatest upset in college football history (at least in terms of point spreads). For any UCLA fans reading this blog, "coaching" is a term used in sports to describe the development of skills under the tutelage of a team leader or coach. I know it's been a foreign concept around this time of year in Westwood, but believe it or not, other programs actually perform this miracle with regularity.

By the way, Michigan fans would like Jim Harbaugh to know that they aren't really all that upset about those disparaging comments you made regarding the Michigan athletic department. Water under the bridge. And if you'd like to coach Michigan after Lloyd Carr is shown the door, why that would be just dandy. Tho it may take Wolverine fans a little while to get used to the possibility of actually winning some big games...

The polls would have been very interesting if LSU hadn't managed to put together a very impressive come from behind victory over Florida. Who would have been #1 this week if LSU had lost- Ohio State or idle Cal? The Golden Bears were the higher ranked team the previous week, and this week are still ahead of the Buckeyes by 27 points in the AP poll. But I'm finding it very difficult to believe that voters would have actually been able to pencil in Cal as the #1 team in the land. It would be far more comfortable for writers to go with the ol' Big Ten standby, OSU, don't ya think?

BCS organizers have to be getting concerned about the gradual rise of South Florida in the polls. Now at #5, the Bulls have to be considered a legitimate threat in the national title hunt. Granted, they still have to play Rutgers, Louisville and a very good Cincinnati team, so there's still a ways to go; but a championship game between LSU and South Florida isn't outside the realm of possibility. Maybe that's the way to finally get a playoff system implemented- put an overmatched, unknown team with little national following in the championship game to kill ratings. That would have to get the BCS scrambling for a change, wouldn't it? Go Bulls!

No offense intended towards USF head coach, Jim Leavitt. If you'd like to come to UCLA, the Bruins would be more than happy to have your services as well.