As any average American citizen knows, it was on this day in 1776 that George Washington beat King George in a hot dog eating contest to secure our independence from the British. So, go out and celebrate like our forefathers would: by eating and drinking to excess, discharging a few firearms, and then maybe hitting up an Indian casino to cap things off.







What a country. I almost feel as proud as these folks did (wow, was that really almost 20 years ago? Kids, never grow old. Trust me on this one.)




Happy 4th, y'all.

The Summer Olympics are just a few months away; and while there doesn't seem to be the same impact of The Games now that they aren't being used to decide the victor between communism and democracy, there is still something compelling about the tradition and grandeur of the events, and the culmination of a lifetime of training for the individuals. It is for these reasons that I am fascinated with the event that perhaps holds the most revered history and deepest tradition of them all. I'm talking of course of women's beach volleyball- a sport which exemplifies, teamwork, athleticism, and most notably, ass-slapping.

When it comes to the development of a posterior game, nobody puts the "booty" in "holy crap, did you see the booty on that chick?" quite like the Brazilian team. Regardless of outcome, each point is saluted with a hug and a pat on the butt to show support and encouragement for their teammate. Such sportsmanship and teamwork is a joy to behold.

Unfortunately, the Brazilians hopes for bringing home a gold took a blow recently when Juliana Silva (pictured, rear) suffered an injury to her left knee that usually requires surgery. Silva, no doubt gaining inspiration from Paul Pierce's miraculous recovery last month, has opted to forego surgery and instead try physical therapy and a customized knee pad to compensate for the injury.

Silva states that she is optimistic about recovering in time for the games, however if her knee does not respond as she hopes, then Larissa Franca is going to be in need of a new partner. The National Olympic Committee has not indicated who the alternate player might be, so I'd like to make a suggestion: Brazilian supermodel Raica Olivera. I have no idea if she's ever touched a volleyball, but I do think she'd be great for the games. Here is a portion of her resume:



That's what Olympic dreams are made of. Or at least some kind of dream. It's supposed to be hot and sticky in Beijing, so it's all pretty much the same either way

Labels: Bump Set Tap Dat Ass

There was a time when a person would never even consider taking out a large marker in Vegas that they couldn't repay immediately. Something about valuing the use of their extremities, I suppose. But those days have passed, and now gamblers think of markers as some sort of interest-free loan to be repaid the next time they get a big score. So if Steve Wynn of Wynn Las Vegas wants his money, he has to do what every American does when he's unhappy about a situation. He's gonna sue your ass.

First, it was Charles Barkley and the $400k he owed the casino. Then it was Alonzo Mourning and a $50k outstanding debt. Both of those debts have since been repaid. Now it's been revealed that Joe Francis, founder of the Girls Gone Wild, owes the Wynn a whopping 2 million bucks.

So now in addition to tax evasion, drug possession, child abuse and prostitution charges, Francis can add a massive gambling debt to his list of problems. It's almost enough to think that the $29 million a year cash flow and years of years of filming (among other things) young naked bodies wasn't worth it. Ok, that might be a stretch.

Still, for all of his work bringing the "Girls Gone Wild," mindset to college girls across the nation, Joe Francis should be an American hero. But instead, he's just a douchebag. It's unfortunate. Guys like him give the rest of us who just want to see an 18 yr old chick flash her boobies (and maybe make out w/ another 18 yr old) a bad name. Maybe Steve Wynn could bring a vise out just for old times sake.

Labels: Gamblers Anonymous, Viva Las Vegas

The NBA has a bit of a problem with its referees. They're unaccountable, unreliable, and occasionally, on the take. But other than that, they're the best officials in sports, according to David Stern. Still, the commish has decided to clean up the image of his officials. In Stern's eye, the man for the job is retired US Army Major General Ronald L. Johnson, formerly the Deputy Commanding General of the US Army Corps of Engineeres. General Johnson doesn't have any experience in sports, but he did help oversee the response to Hurricane Katrina and the reconstruction of Iraq. So, of course, we should all be reassured that accountability and integrity will soon be restored in the league.

Still, as ESPN's Henry Abbott reminds us, we should give the man a chance. I'm sure Stern wouldn't have hired him unless he presented some great ideas for the league. Here are a few moves you can expect from the general in the coming months:

-Fire Dick Bavetta, not for incompetence, but for kissing Charles Barkley.

-Outsource training and development of officials to Haliburton.

-Forward any inside information of point shaving to the Arabian Horse Association. (to pay back a certain someone for taking the fall.)

-Ban Kanye West from all NBA arenas

Oh, and don't be surprised if officials routinely show up late for New Orleans Hornets home games.

Yeah, I feel reassured about the state of officiating now. Nice work, Stern. Mission accomplished.

Labels: Rebuilding, Sir Yes Sir

The Mickaela Foundation is a noble organization which provides funds for uninsured Colorado residents who are being treated for breast cancer. Oftentimes, local charities such as these depend on the support of their local community; and the Mickaela Foundation is no different in this regard. One of the local businesses which regularly supports this charity is a local strip club called Shotgun Willie's. Earlier this week, they held their annual charity golf tournament, which featured 144 golfers and 70 very sexy caddies. Everything was in place for patrons to raise some funds while getting a very up close view of the breasts they were trying to save. That is, until, a bunch of damned kids got in the way:

Young golfers, ages 7 to 12, had not completed their Monday morning tournament before participants arrived in limousines for the Shotgun Willie's Charity Golf Tournament.

The latter event featured patrons of the strip club paired with dancers who served as caddies. Broomfield Police later broke up the event after complaints from neighbors.

Let this be a lesson to parents everywhere. Stop trying to get your kids into golf. Your son is not going to be the next Tiger Woods. The only thing he will develop into is a douchebag with an oversized sense of entitlement. Leave the golfing with the people to whom it belongs: the overweight, beer-swilling, sunburned tool who wants to think that birdie they hit on the 13th eight months ago somehow compensates for their life turning into shit.

Oh, and breast cancer sucks.

Labels: Hole In One

By now, you've likely seen the video of Shaq reminding the world that he drops rhymes like he hits free throws. It really isn't that big of a deal, since Shaq has already backpedaled from his vicious assault- not on Kobe, but rather on those with ears. But like after watching any car wreck, the only way I can try to erase it from my memory is to try to talk it out. So please bear with me while I sort out my thoughts:

-Did Shaq really ask how his ass tastes? If I had to guess, I'd say it tastes like pine, considering that's where his ass has been the past two seasons.

-Why the diss on Kareem's legacy? Perhaps somewhere in his career, Kareem tried to teach Shaq something, which as we've all learned by now, Shaq considers an insult.

-Is Shaq really allowed to call himself a rapper? Shouldn't actual skills be a criteria to making this claim? Shaq calling himself a rapper because he's been caught on tape trying to rap is like me calling myself a porn star because I once hid a video camera on the dresser in my bedroom.

-Will Kobe come out with his own "freestyle" rap in response? If so, I'd suggest that to match this one, he rhyme "poet" with "know it," "mvp" with "dnp," and of course, "me" with "me."

-Will this feud evolve along the lines of Biggie and Tupac? Are the streets of Holmby Hills safe? Do either Shaq or Kobe even have posses to do their dirty work anymore, or have they thrown everyone around them under the bus?

Finally, I have to wonder how this will all end. Ideally, Phil Jackson will be the peacemaker. Only this time, he'll do it by impaling them both with a samurai sword. It's a new kind of zen. The bloody kind.

Labels: Cringeworthy

I'm still on the east coast this week. Hope to have some new stuff this Monday.

I'm spending this week with my family in Washington DC, the city best known for being the home to 85% of all bloggers. Also, the President lives here or something.

Speaking of which, did you realize that Ralph Nader is running for President again in 2008? As part of his effort to stay current, he has incorporated the NBA officiating scandal into his campaign. In a recent post on his blog, Nader's people documented his pursuit of justice after the Kings/Lakers series in 2002:

Ralph Nader saw injustice and on June 4, 2002, Ralph wrote to NBA Commissioner David Stern asking for an investigation.

Ralph personally spoke with Stern.

But Stern stiffed Ralph.

No action was taken.

Wow - that's leadership! Just think how Nader's forceful presence would be felt in the White House:

-Nader confronts China and demands they improve human rights in mainland, Tibet, Taiwan and Darfur. Chinese leadership says no. Nader goes fishing.

-Nader demands transparency from Iran and North Korea with respect to their nuclear capabilities. They tell him to suck a Zionist dong. He does so.

-Nader suggests an environmentally-conscious pesticide for the white house rose garden. Gardeners refuse and lock him out of the white house. Nader lives in a tent.

Nice campaign strategy. It's hard to say which is more impotent: Nader's move for Presidency or the Lakers end-game techniques.

Labels: Cheaters, NBA

By way of Fire Joe Morgan comes a clip that demonstrates the type of insight and conceptual acumen necessary to become ESPN's lead baseball analyst:




On the bright side, it seems like Jon Miller is about ready to snap on-air. So that should be fun.

Labels: Videos