Friday, June 06, 2008

Paul Pierce Has Miraculous Regenerative Powers. Or He's Just A Wuss.

Game 1 of the NBA Finals has been in the books for a few hours now, but after one game, there are more questions than answers. Here are just a few of the mysteries yet to be solved:

What exactly was Paul Pierce's injury? Was he out with a sprained labia?

Look, I have no doubt that if you feel something twist that it could very well be a moment of trepidation. To have a flash where you think you might be out for the entire Finals is no doubt a scary thing. But if you're going to scream like Shaun Livingston, are held in your trainer's arms, carried off the court by teammates, and taken to the locker room in a freakin' wheelchair, then you damn sure better not be able to jog back onto the court five minutes later. For the integrity of the series, I'm glad he wasn't actually injured, but that was ridiculous. I'm starting to wonder if back in 2000, Paul Pierce wasn't really stabbed at all, but rather just suffered a paper cut in a freak scrapbooking incident.

Who thought it was a good idea to put a couple of 50 year old men in basketball jerseys?

Did you see the "There Can Only Be One" commerical featuring Magic Johnson and Larry Bird? That was some scary stuff. As the cameras zoomed in on their bloated faces, I started wondering if the video was like The Ring and I was going to be dead within a day. At this point, I think I'd rather see a split screen commercial with an exhumed Red Auerbach and Chick Hearn than to see the Magic/Larry hybrid again.

Is Mike Breen a member of a Boston Fight Club?
I don't really listen to an announcer's preamble to a game anyway, but last night it was impossible to focus on anything other than Breen's bandage above his eye and slight bruises on his face. Either he was busy teaching someone that he was not a beautiful and unique snowflake, or else Breen made the mistake of walking into a Boston bar and making an implication that maybe Larry Bird wasn't the greatest basketball player to ever live.

What is the bedtime for Eddie House's son?
9:07 pm local tip time, and the kid was still on the bench for the game? And why is that it's Eddie House of all people that is permitted to have his son with him on the bench? This has to be nipped in the bud. It's great to support families and all, but if the NBA decides to allow all players to have their kids with them court side, the benches are going to look more crowded than a bus in India.

Did I really see a "whiteout" amongst the fans of TD Banknorth?
The days of it being cool for an entire fanbase to show up in identical shirts are over. You don't look like united fans- you look like mindless cult members (is there a difference?). For a group that prides themselves on tradition, there sure were a lot of fans wearing promotional white tshirts in the crowd. Maybe the fans were so disappointed that none of their players were white that they decided to take it upon themselves to create an atmosphere they're more comfortable in?

Does anyone play a better game of opossum than Kobe Bryant?

Oh wait, he was actually dead. Looking at various Lakers message boards, the theme went something like this: "We're hanging in there, and Kobe still hasn't come alive yet...time for Kobe to get it's Kobe time....Kobe will light it up in the 4th....time for Kobe to heat up. Sh*t."
I don't know what the deal is, but Kobe has struggled in Boston lately. Maybe it's that the Celtics play extraordinary defense, or maybe it's because it's hard for Kobe to find a hot teenage girl in Boston. Perhaps he can bang a Boston Cheerleader (four of whom are former USC dancers) over the next few nights so he can bounce back in Game 2.

There's so much drama and intrigue that I can't wait for the next game to be played- in about a week or so. These Finals are going to be over before NFL training camp begins, right?

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Monday, February 26, 2007

Brian Butch Briefly Becomes Double-Jointed

For those that missed it, here is Brian Butch's injury during Wisconsin's loss to Ohio State. The same injury for which Sportsline's Gregg Doyel mocked Butch for crying. I don't know what Doyel is mocking- just seeing this clip on tv made me shed a few tears. The initial diagnosis was a dislocated elbow. Actually, that was the secondary diagnosis. The intial one was, "AaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhOHMYGODDDDD!!!"

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Friday, February 23, 2007

For Radmanovic, It's Not the Fall That Hurts. It's the Lies.

When Vladimir Radmanovic initially told Lakers management that he injured his shoulder slipping on some ice outside Vlade Divac's condo in Utah, it was about as believable as a stripper at Minxx saying she got her bruises when she fell against a pole. Today, Radmanovic released this statement:

"The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception."

I'm not buying the guilty conscience story, so the Lakers must have something on him. Obviously, Radmanovic has never been in a long-term relationship or he would know that once you've committed to a lie, you have to stick with it no matter how damning the evidence is against you. I don't care if Radmanovic was trying to teach Vlade Divac how to do a Backside Air to Fakie and Darko Milicic was filming the entire thing, you have to stick with your story.

Also, how appropriate is it that hanging out for a few days with Vlade Divac ended with a painful flop? That would be like going cliff diving with Alex Rodriguez and crushing yourself because you couldn't hit the ocean, or going out to dinner with Rex Grossman, ordering the best item on the menu and choking on it.

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