Bud Selig Rubs Alex Rodriguez' Nose In The Carpet And Puts Him Outside

Thursday, Commissioner Bud Selig momentarily contemplated suspending Alex Rodriguez until he realized that the players union would likely sue the league and illuminate its complicity in their players' illicit activity. Once that became clear, Selig instead opted to expand on MLB's response to the revelation that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids from its original, "Nobody was supposed to find out about that" to a new statement expressing regret, anger, and disappointment.

Of course, it should be remembered that Selig is a former used car salesman, and so anything he says is laden with deceit and half-truths. And so it's important to look at his statement, quasi-FJM style (Ed. note- oh how I miss you Ken Tremendous), and look at what Selig says versus what he actually means.

"What Alex did was wrong"
You should never own up to steroid use unless it's before a special session of Congress. And even then you can flatly deny it and make money while waiting on perjury charges....didn't he get my memo? Plus he got caught after I told him we'd be testing. Has he never heard of a Whizzinator? Getting caught like that was just wrong.

"and he will have to live with the damage he has done to his name"
I'm not even sure why put his name on the form to begin with. I instructed everyone to tell testers their name was "Barry Lamar Bonds."

"and reputation."
All these years that he's taken to build his reputation of being one of the great choke artists of all time has now been overshadowed by the stain of steroid use. It's a shame, honestly.

"While Alex deserves credit for publicly confronting the issue"
Not too much credit of course. I mean, there's a lot to be said for pretending steroids don't exist and looking at a revenue sheet instead of a few dead bodies and implausibly broken records, right? Besides, Alex did the right thing in publicly confronting the issue five years after the fact, and only when he had no other choice. Come to think of it, that's exactly what I did. Hey, I guess he did read my memo!

"there is no valid excuse for using such substances,"
There really is no excuse. Why use a substance that MLB could actually test for when the black market is littered with more effective, untraceable substances? That's what happens when you choose to get drugs from a shemale bodybuilder instead of Victor Conte.

"and those who use them have shamed the game."
Did I say "shamed"? I meant "saved". Revenues are at an all time high, the Maris chase rejuvenated baseball after the strike, the commissioner's office keeps getting raises despite a plummeting economy, and even the steroid scandal itself keeps people talking about baseball during an otherwise quiet offseason. It's like when I realigned baseball just so my Brewers could change leagues, boost attendance with the novelty factor of new opponents, and generate enough excitement to get funding for a new stadium. That wasn't selfish and shameful- I saved the team! Good for me. And good for ARod.

Commissioner Selig then addressed executives from recently bailed out banks and asked, "Now what's it's gonna take to get you in a luxury suite today?"

Now the Giants Can Focus On Winning the West

(8/9: Much thanks to reader Jeff for pointing out that I shorted Dale Murphy 100 homers in my original post. The text has been corrected to reflect the 398 round trips he earned during his esteemed career.)

For anyone that has been stuck in the same cubicle for years only to be repeatedly passed over for promotion by the latest hotshot at the office, take solace in knowing that Pedro Gomez feels your pain. For three years, he was Barry Bonds shadow- giving ESPN viewers daily updates on Bonds' home run total, the inning he left the game, and what he had for lunch that day. Then, when Barry finally breaks the record, who does ESPN send out for the postgame interview with Bonds? Erin Andrews. That has gotta hurt. The network eventually went to Gomez later who was relegated to informing the viewer such vital information such as there were fireworks and confetti after Bonds launched 756. Poor Pedro Gomez has become the Cuban version of Milton from Office Space. If there's ever a giant fire at ESPN headquarters in Bristol, you'll know who to look for.

After all is said and done, my feelings are pretty much aligned with what Dale Murphy said yesterday: "The guy would have become one of the great ones, anyway. ... But now, he sucked the fun and the life right out of it." Tho for me, it wasn't the performance enhancers that ruined it for me - heck, anyone who's popped a Viagra before going up to their vegas hotel room with a few hookers can relate to reaching for an extra boost when it's available. It was just the fact that Bonds was a jerk throughout his career that made it impossible to root for him.

Honestly though, the biggest jerk through all of this has been Bud Selig. The commissioner almost destroys baseball by canceling the World Series in 1995. Then he looks the other way while Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa revive the game with their displays of power. But now that Bonds has broken the all-time record, he wants to act indignant? I know he wishes that Bonds had treated people better- we all do. But the surge in home runs is largely responsible for Selig still having a job. A job in which he collected $14 million this year. For that kind of cash, Selig should at least have the decency to say thank you.

On behalf of Dale Murphy, it should be noted that while he finished his career with only 398 home runs, as a devout Mormon, he wasn't allowed to have so much as a drop of caffeine before a game. Imagine if he'd even just had a friggin' can of Coke in the clubhouse. His home run total would have at least been 401, maybe 402.

I would like to thank Barry Bonds for one thing. At least he had the decency to hit his record-tying and record-breaking home runs in games where Chris Berman wasn't doing the play by play. You think the record is tainted now? Imagine if every time ESPN replayed the swing, you heard, "Back, back, back, back....gone! And for the 756th time, Barry has cashed in his Bonds!"

What's next for Barry? My guess is he should spend 2008 as the DH of the Devil Rays where he can etch his name amongst other Tampa Bay greats like Wade Boggs, Fred McGriff, and Jose Canseco. He'd be the perfect role model for Delmon Young.

You Mess With the Kuo, You've Got To Go

Thanks to Our Book of Scrap (via Sports Unfiltered) for posting what is undoubtedly one of the top ten bat flips by a Taiwanese pitcher in the history of Major League Baseball. If you haven't seen it yet, make sure you catch it quickly before MLB has it removed as part of its ongoing policy of having all traces of anything that makes baseball seem even remotely enjoyable instantly removed from the information superhighway.



Also, it's good to know that if I'm ever visiting a Taiwanese whorehouse, "back to back to back" is the same in Chinese as it is in English.

MLB's Eyes Are Everywhere

I just received this email from YouTube:

Dear Member:

This is to notify you that we have removed or disabled access to the following material as a result of a third-party notification by MLB Advanced Media claiming that this material is infringing:

Erin Andrews Feeds Ray: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtwDBTuUXqg
...

So it's someone's job at MLB to search for videos of Erin Andrews all day? Nice work if you can find it. Of course, it's just like Bud Selig et al to try to curbstomp any activity that might actually promote interest or discussion in their game. I can understand the powers that be not wanting a site to rebroadcast an entire game, but removing images of Erin Andrews is just un-American. Thanks a lot, Bud.

To quote the most versatile baseball player of all time, Bugs Bunny: Of course you realize, this means war!