I'm spending this week with my family in Washington DC, the city best known for being the home to 85% of all bloggers. Also, the President lives here or something.

Speaking of which, did you realize that Ralph Nader is running for President again in 2008? As part of his effort to stay current, he has incorporated the NBA officiating scandal into his campaign. In a recent post on his blog, Nader's people documented his pursuit of justice after the Kings/Lakers series in 2002:

Ralph Nader saw injustice and on June 4, 2002, Ralph wrote to NBA Commissioner David Stern asking for an investigation.

Ralph personally spoke with Stern.

But Stern stiffed Ralph.

No action was taken.

Wow - that's leadership! Just think how Nader's forceful presence would be felt in the White House:

-Nader confronts China and demands they improve human rights in mainland, Tibet, Taiwan and Darfur. Chinese leadership says no. Nader goes fishing.

-Nader demands transparency from Iran and North Korea with respect to their nuclear capabilities. They tell him to suck a Zionist dong. He does so.

-Nader suggests an environmentally-conscious pesticide for the white house rose garden. Gardeners refuse and lock him out of the white house. Nader lives in a tent.

Nice campaign strategy. It's hard to say which is more impotent: Nader's move for Presidency or the Lakers end-game techniques.

Labels: Cheaters, NBA

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell met with former Patriots gonzo video proprietor Matt Walsh early Tuesday to discuss allegations that the Patriots had a long history of illegally taping opponents' signals during games. After the meeting, Goodell held a press conference, which went basically like this:



Whew, that is a relief. Now if only Goodell could teach those techniques to NCAA president Myles Brand, who is being forced by the OJ Mayo story that won't go away to address the shamockery that is the concept of the student-athlete in big time sports.

To me, the most noteworthy aspect of the OJ Mayo allegations is the complete and utter lack of surprise elicited by the news. Not because it's USC or because of Mayo's past in particular, but more so because this is simply the state of intercollegiate basketball today. The name that surfaced happened to have been Mayo, but the reaction would have been the same had it been any of the other "one and done" players who were instead alleged to have accepted illegal benefits during their few months on a college campus. (Perhaps Kevin Love would have been a tad more surprising, but only because his family was already wealthy and so the temptation would not have been as great to take the money, and he would have had the resources to cover up any extra cash that fell his way.)

It's interesting that even tho this NCAA investigation is in its early stages, virtually no one in the media has criticized general public's rush to judgment. This is because most fans expect college basketball players to be getting cash under the table; and despite this rally of righteous indignation, we accept and tacitly endorse it. And so does Myles Brand, as long as his organization doesn't become so tarnished that ESPN and CBS stop their deliveries of dump trucks full of cash in exchange for television rights.

...

If fans truly want to embrace the concept of the student-athlete, then they're best option would be to follow sports that don't generate large revenues- sports like tennis, swimming, and wrestling. Unfortunately, that option is no longer available at Arizona State University. In the equivalent move of going in Friday afternoon to tell someone they're fired, ASU athletic director Lisa Love waited until her campus was a ghost town before making the announcement that the university of 50,000+ students would be eliminating those three men's sports from the athletic department. Love cited a lack of funding, although the cuts will only save about $1 million, or roughly a third of the $3 million she spent in buying out football coaches Dirk Koetter and Dennis Erickson from their respective contracts at ASU and Idaho. (Which may have been a sound financial move. Time will bear that out.)

Here's a quote from Lisa Love in 2005 when she was hired to replace AD Gene Smith (who has done an exceptional job in the same role at Ohio State):
"I know what it takes to build a champion. Acknowledging the importance of fundraising, student achievement while complying with the appropriate rules, and the pursuit of winning championships are all key factors to having a successful athletic program. Having been involved with a competitor of Arizona State University (USC), I am well-aware of the talented people who work in the Athletic Department and the tradition they bring to this university’s sports program."

So, how'd that fund raising go? Oh, and the wrestling program is (was) one of the most storied within the ASU athletic department, which in addition to winning a national title has actually (for better or worse) prepared quite a few individuals for a career in mixed martial arts. But hey, at least women's water polo (founded in 2002) is still alive. Thank you, Title IX!

(Normally, this is the portion of my rambling where I might rail against women's water polo as being more appropriate as a club sport than funded by the athletic department. But lately, it's the only sport where UCLA can win a championship, so hell yes, w. water polo is legit. I don't care if the head coach does wear flip flops pool side!)

AD Love alluded to the possibility that swimming, tennis, or wrestling could possibly be resurrected under the right conditions. I think those conditions had something to do with monkeys flying out of her butt.

Here's an idea. Find the agency that's funding James Harden's visit to ASU (note: I have no evidence that Harden is illegally receiving anything at ASU, except the fact that he is good at playing basketball) and ask them to sponsor an endowment to the athletic department in exchange for encouraging athletes to sign with them whenever it is socially acceptable for them to come out of the financial closet. It's a win-win.

Labels: Cheaters, If You Let Them Play, Myles Brand Is A Whore

The first pitches of live spring training games have been thrown, and still Barry Bonds finds himself without a team. Right now, his agent Jeff Borris is traveling from park to park and hoping to sell someone on Barry's still potent stick. It's like he's filming a BangBus movie and trying to see what GM he can persuade to get into the van. Unfortunately for Bonds, so far he has no takers despite the fact that even at age 43, he still got on base 48% of the time he stepped to the plate; and it's now Roger Clemens and not him that's the performance enhancing villain du jour. But as the season gets closer and teams realize that their lineup isn't the machine they'd envisioned in the winter meetings, Bonds should start getting more consideration. Even then, his options will be limited. Here is a look at possible destinations for Barry, listed from least to most likely, by my own guesstimation:

San Diego Padres
Reasons to sign: Right now, the Padres projected left fielder is either Scott Hairston or Chase Headley, who hasn't played in the outfield since college. Bonds has hit more home runs against the Padres than any other team, so maybe there's something about the San Diego parks that bring out the best in him. Tijuana is just a 15 minute drive from the park, making the acquisition of steroids, ephedra, HGH, viagra, etc. a breeze.
Reasons not to sign: While San Diego fans are known to be laid back, Barry Bonds has been one of the few players to elicit actual hatred from the home crowd. San Diegans won't start rooting for Barry just because he's wearing a Padres jersey.
Verdict: Padres fans would rather see an adopted golden retreiver from Petco in left field than Barry Bonds. If Kevin Towers were to sign Bonds, it would likely be his last move as GM.

Texas Rangers
Reasons to sign: According to Sportsline, the Rangers will once again go with Frank Catalanotto at DH and bat him 9th. Ninth...for the designated hitter? Rangers Ballpark is a launching pad in the summertime, and Bonds could give some much needed pop to a relatively anemic lineup. Sammy Sosa played for the Rangers last year, so fans are already accustomed to being asked to cheer for a player who's assumed to have used performance enhancing drugs.
Reasons not to sign: If Bonds were to sign with the Rangers, it would mean that he wouldn't get the chance to face Rangers' pitching.
Verdict: To me, this move seems to make a lot of sense, which means there's no way Tom Hicks will ever do it.

Oakland A's
Reasons to sign: Right now, the A's have a triple A team playing in a crappy stadium, and there is no reason that anyone would want to watch them play. With Bonds, the A's could tap into his Bay Area fan base. In going from San Francisco to Oakland, Bonds would save a ton on shipping costs for his Barcalounger.
Reasons not to sign: Even with an incentive-laden contract, Bonds would still cost money, and the A's are loathe to spend more than minor league money. If attendance plummets further this season, the A's can always just tarp off another section of seats to give the appearance of a denser crowd.
Verdict: Even though Bonds excels in Beane's much coveted metric of on base percentage, the A's appear content to just enjoy profits through revenue sharing without worrying about such nonsense as fielding a winning team.

Japanese League
Reasons to sign: Already passed Hank Aaron, now it's time to go after Sadaharu Oh. Yen is performing well against the dollar of late. Japanese women are already used to seeing guys with tiny testicles.
Reasons not to sign: In Japan, when you ask for "the cream," they hand you a bukakke video. In the Japanese league, you actually have to hustle.
Verdict: Not as clazy as it sounds.

Tampa Bay Rays (nee Devil Rays)
Reasons to sign: For the Rays, it sure would be nice if fans came to a game other than when the Red Sox or Yankees were in town. Bonds could buy booze for all the kids on the roster. Florida has no income tax, meaning one fewer risk for investigation into tax evasion. Pedro Gomez already has a retirement home in Florida, so that works out nicely for him.
Reasons not to sign: If ESPN starts showing up to Tampa Bay games, someone might notice that in an effort to cut costs, the Rays have been dressing up little leaguers, throwing them out on the field, and paying them in jolly ranchers.
Verdict: What have they got to lose? It's not like either party had any dignity to begin with.

So I guess it comes down to Tampa Bay and Japan for Barry. Neither really qualifies as Major League Baseball and they both play in hideous domed stadiums. Both are known for having great strip clubs, but only in Japan can you get a girl dressed up like your favorite anime character. Advantage: Japan. Sayonara, Barry.

Labels: Cheaters, MLB., Roid Rumors

It looks like after an extended period of longing and hope, Mark Cuban will finally get the guy he wanted, Jason Kidd, on his squad. While Kidd will certainly be able to contribute to the Mavaricks, I have a feeling his play in Dallas will be a bit like the series of topless photos Lindsay Lohan took in tribute to Marilyn Monroe: Some flashes of brilliance, but definitely showing the wear and tear from some rough years, and certainly paling in comparison to the original.

(And yes, I know that my attempt to come up with a metaphor to justify including a Lohan picture was even more transparent than the cloth Lindsay is holding in front of her. But in my defense....boobs.)

In other drug user news: Eric Gagne gave a vague apology to his Milwaukee teammates for "a distraction that shouldn't be taking place." And he's right- there's no reason at all why anyone should have signed Gagne and his batting practice fastball to a major league contract.

Andy Pettitte also spent the day apologizing to anyone who's ever watched a baseball game, C-SPAN, or the 700 club. He also said that the scrutiny and criticism that he and Roger Clemens have received should serve as a deterrent to other athletes who might be considering using performance enhancing drugs, as nobody would want to go through what Roger and he did. Pettitte then excused himself so he could cash his $600,000 biweekly check from the Yankees.

The Angels' Francisco Rodriguez is upset with the organization for refusing to offer him a lucrative, long-term contract and has insinuated that he will leave the team at the end of the 2008 season. He hasn't stated which teams he'd be interested in going to, but one would suspect that he would seek out teams with white undersides to their caps, so as to better conceal any illegal substances he may be using.

Finally, Curt Schilling has said that he is undergoing rehab treatment for his ailing shoulder and there's still a chance he could pitch this year. In fact, he's so confident that he'll make a dramatic return late in the season that he's already prepared a bloody jersey to wear for the occasion.

Labels: Cheaters, Nightcap, Roid Rumors, Work Work Work. Hello Boys. Have a Good Night's Rest? I've Missed You

The New York Daily News is reporting that in 2004, Cardinals catalyst and one of the rare feel-good stories of the summer, Rick Ankiel, received a 12-month supply of human growth hormone from a Florida pharmacy. For Cards fans, this has to feel like they were just shown an alternate version of The Natural in which Roy Hobbs' pain becomes so severe that he has to shoot up with morphine before each game; and eventually, he robs a drifter for a fix, beats him to death with the Savoy Special, and finds himself sentenced to life in prison. (Actually, I think I'd watch that movie.) I wouldn't be surprised at all tomorrow to tune into Deadspin and see that its creator and ardent Cardinals fan, Will Leitch, has mimicked MGoBlog's response after the Wolverines lost to Appalachian State and replaced the entire site with pictures of kittens.

Of course, Ankiel will either deny the allegations or more likely, give some version of "I can't comment at this time, but I look forward to clearing my name." Meanwhile, Cardinals fans will rally around Ankiel as long he continues to hit homers. Even those who acknowledge his guilt will likely point out that this all occurred before major league baseball had banned HGH. If that excuse sounds familiar, it's because it's exactly what Giants fans will tell you if you bring up the name Barry Lamar Bonds. Of course, the difference between the two is that Bonds was actually a good player before he started using performance enhancers- tho neither one of them was able to hit home plate with a throw when it counted in the playoffs.

Fortunately for Rick Ankiel, even if he is proven beyond a reasonable doubt to have received this shipment, a figure from another sport has provided a unique rationalization for such a purchase. You may recall that the NFL recently suspended former Bears assistant coach and current Cowboys quarterback coach Wade Wilson for five games after they learned that he too had received a shipment of HGH. Thursday, Wade Wilson revealed that while he was using the drug as a performance enhancer, it was for a much different type of performance than its typical use. Wilson was experimenting with HGH to treat impotence that was brought on by his diabetes and is not treatable by conventional methods. He purchased the substances from a "Florida rejuvenation clinic" for between $3,000 and $4,000. Wow- that is one expensive erection. If only he had seen the private pictures of Vanessa Hudgens- he would have been able to save a few bucks.

So maybe that was the case with Rick Ankiel. Maybe he had a little trouble lifting his bat and called on the fix-all hormone of champions. I know Rafael Palmeiro is wishing he'd thought of it.

...
By the way, while searching for a corresponding photo for this post, I came across this image, which I had to include because while not quite fitting, it made me think of the following exchange:

-I can't inject you with window cleaner.

-I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?

-It causes your brain to die last.

-I don't mind.

Labels: Cheaters, Cinematic Classics, Roid Rumors, Sexed Out Athletes

Francisco Rodriguez is under investigation by Major League Baseball to see if he was doctoring the ball during his appearances against the Texas Rangers. You can find still images from the game here, and until the powers that be have the video removed, here's an at bat where Rodriguez is especially fidgety:



To me, it just looks like rosin that was either transferred from the bag to his cap or perhaps intentionally caked on for easier access. While this may be technically illegal, I don't think it's really any different than a hitter putting pine tar on his helmet so he can get some extra grip between pitches.

Either way, I guess K-Rod got the message. His hat lacked any white marks last night as he gave up the game winning HR to Mike Piazza.

...

In other Angels news, the team announced that Gary Matthews Jr will wear Jackie Robinson's #42 on April 15. Matthews described being chosen for the tribute as a HuGH honor.

Labels: Angels, Cheaters

With the Dow down over 400 points today, today's Nightcap is being brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon. I just hope there's a little bounceback tomorrow, or I'm going to have to start buying Keystone by the case, which is a fate no one over 19 should ever have to suffer. Can a brutha get a GoogleAd click?

By now everyone has probably heard about the Heidi Fleiss wannabee who is releasing a book which contains rather explicit details about the proclivities of her clientèle, including one Tommy Lasorda. Lasorda is of course refuting the allegations and hasn't been this pissed off since someone asked him about Kurt Bevacqua. I'm ticked off too. Not because someone has planted the image of Tommy Blue Balls receiving a hummer while watching lesbian porn, tho that certainly wasn't pleasant. No, I'm ticked off because Madams are supposed to have a code. Trust me, I watch a lot of Cinemax so I should know. The privacy of the client is to be protected at all costs. But now by publishing this book, Miss Gibson is messing up the program for all the other wealthy dudes with a boner and a fetish. If an athlete can't trust an upscale whorehouse, then he'll just save a few bucks and go to strip joints, night clubs, or good old street hookers instead. Ask Pacman Jones, Willis McGahee, or Denny Neagle (do not click if you ever want to have an erection again) how well that worked out.

If Miss Gibson really wants to publish something useful, she should release detailed instructions for her "swirly move" that relaxes the throat muscles so a woman can peform deep throat. That document should be the cover story in the next editions of Cosmo, Us Weekly, and Martha Stewart Living and then placed in every hair and nail salon in America...

Here's a painful segue. Tuesday night in Knoxville, Pat Summitt made good on her promise to do something special for the men's team and showed her school spirit by wearing a modest cheer uniform, singing "Rocky Top," and performing a cheer stunt. Honestly, I thought it was pretty cool, tho I wasn't quite as enthused as Dick Vitale. She not only showed people that she has a little bit of a wild side (I'm thinking she's a whips and chains gal), but she also laid to rest any lingering theories that the coach was actually a drag queen. Not that she showed any lady parts, but because she can't sing worth a damn. If she really were a man in women's clothing, she would have been belting out "Rocky Top" like Ethel Merman on a USO tour.

For those who watched the Florida/Tennessee game, you were treated to multiple shots of Peyton Manning in attendance (who made sure to mention the word "team" approximately 354 times in his courtside interview with Heather Cox). When the Volunteers completed their upset victory over the Gators, ESPN announcer Brad Nessler responded to a camera shot of Peyton Manning by narrating, "And Peyton says, 'That's the way we used to do it in football too.'" Umm, maybe with Tee Martin at the helm, Brad. Peyton Manning however, was 0-3 as a starter against the Gators, and 0-4 overall...

Gary Matthews Jr is among those at the center of an investigation into a drug distribution ring wherein steroids, HGH and other prescription drugs were sold over the internet. Of course since it's a baseball-related story (there was a pretty significant implication of the Steelers as well, but the NFL has Teflon when it comes to steroid scandals) that's involved with performance enhancers, the conversation of course eventually goes to Barry Bonds, the poster child of the steroid era in baseball. I was bored by the "Barry is a cheater" mock outrage last season, and nothing has really changed this year. I am however continually fascinated by the Bonds defenders (not the apologists, but the ones that have convinced themselves that Barry Bonds never used performance enhancers in the first place) that without fail find their way onto any large message board whenever Bonds' name is brought up. I swear, if I'm ever arrested for something and have to stand trial, I want my attorney to ask potential jurors one question: "Are you a Giants fan?" Because if they can believe that Barry is innocent, they'll believe anyone is innocent.

On a related note, this huge sting operation on prescription drugs being illegally ordered over the internet: that's not going to have any impact on the availability of low cost Viagra online, is it? No reason, just curious.

Labels: Cheaters, Florida, Nightcap, Sexed Out Athletes, Tennessee

For about 18 minutes, it looked like UCLA was going to exorcise their demons at Maples Pavilion. But then Stanford reminded the Bruins faithful that horror films always have sequels. After allowing 46 points in the entire game against Cal on Thursday, UCLA's defense surrendered 50 points to Stanford in the second half alone, and the Bruins once again left Palo Alto with a defeat. For all the progress Ben Howland has made with the UCLA program, winning at Stanford has proven to be a difficult task. Steve Lavin routinely lost at Maples (including the worst loss in UCLA history), and now Ben Howland is 1-3 at Stanford.

I'm not sure what it is about Maples Pavilion that makes it so difficult for UCLA to play their best basketball. Maybe it's the taunting of the 6th man that gets to them (although they have been much tamer of late than in recent years). Maybe the Bruins' players become disconcerted by what are annually the least attractive cheerleaders in the Pac-10. Or maybe UCLA is cursed. In 1996, Jim Harrick allegedly violated NCAA rules by having too many active players at a dinner with two prized recruits who were all set to sign with UCLA. Harrick then falsified expense reports in an effort to cover up the violation. UCLA administrators seized these violations as an opportunity to fire Harrick. With Harrick gone and a NCAA investigation looming, the two recruits- Jason and Jarron Collins- turned down UCLA and elected to attend Stanford instead. From that point forward, road trips to Stanford have brought the Bruins nothing but trouble.

Now sure, there were actual basketball reasons for the Stanford victory Sunday night. The Cardinal played with greater intensity in the second half. The officials were not allowing UCLA to play their physical brand of defense, leading to a 33-15 free throw discrepancy. Lawrence Hill caught fire and seemingly everything he tossed up found a way into the basket. A saner man might point to any of those observations as reasons why Stanford prevailed. But as for me, I choose to blame a beady eyed coach for being careless during a lobster dinner.

If UCLA fans want to find a silver lining, here's all I have to offer. After the Cardinal victory, Stanford students stormed the court in celebration. In UCLA's only other loss this season, Oregon fans also stormed the court when the final horn sounded. Generally speaking, storming the court is only reserved for victories over an elite program. Whether they're really in the same tier as Florida and North Carolina yet is debatable, but the Bruins are once again storm-worthy.

As for Stanford, after victories over UCLA and USC, they should be the next participant in the Pac-10 roulette of teams in the top 25. If they do enter the top 25, they'll become the 7th Pac-10 team to be ranked at some point during the season. Of course, Dick Vitale still considers the Pac-10 to only be the third best conference in the country, behind the ACC and SEC.

Here was another gem from Vitale during the first half of the Michigan State at Ohio State game, in which Vitale was watching Oden for maybe the third time this season:
"I tell you one thing, Dan. This is the first time I've really seen evidence of (Oden) being an effective offensive player. In fact...I think he's ahead of Patrick Ewing at the same stage, offensively." How does that work? First you imply that up to that point you'd never seen any evidence of him being good offensively, and then after he hits a few jump hooks, he's ahead of Patrick Ewing? Wouldn't that mean that during Patrick Ewing's freshman year, he never gave any indication of being an effective offensive player? Even for Vitale, that's insane. Ewing, by the way, averaged 12.7 points and shot 63% from the field his freshman year. I guess Vitale was just turning a blind eye to the facts.

Finally, I've been informed that as a sports blogger, it's my obligation to post some sort of Power Poll. But it's getting late, so I'll just post a top 5:

1. Florida. In coast mode until the tournament begins.
2. North Carolina. Forget Hansbrough- that freshman class can fly.
3. Wisconsin. Great defense and Alando Tucker is one of the best creators in the country.
4. UCLA. If UCLA is going to return to the Final Four, Darren Collison needs to step up his play.
5. Ohio State. Inconsistency on offense is the only thing holding them back, which is ridiculous since all they need to do is consistently put the ball in the hands of Oden.

Knocking on the door: Kansas, Oregon, Texas.

Labels: Cheaters, Stanford, UCLA