You Know It's Getting Late When You're Taping Together A Ram's Head

Here's the rally goat/ram that made its way to the Padres dugout as the People Against Goodness and Normalcy (*bonus points if you actually know that reference) did everything they could to put an end to last night's marathon game:



It's a shame the trophy didn't work. Then the "late night ramming" could have enjoyed such other bestial motivators** in baseball lore as the Rally Monkey, the Happy Beaver, and the Cross-Eyed Panda of Good Fortune.

*-bonus points may be indicator that you watch too many late night movies on Starz, Encore, etc.
**- some items on list may have just been bad hallucinations
***- dear god, i need sleep

Tying Up Some Loose Ends While Looking For Loose Change

A few quick thoughts between scratching lottery tickets in a last minute desperation attempt to fund a trip to San Antonio...

Congrats to UCLA's Brianna (right, blonde) on being named Sports Illustrated's cheerleader of the week. Reading her Q&A, I learned of a tactic employed by her boyfriend that is so brilliant, yet so simple, that I think every guy should add it to their repertoire immediately:

Describe the worst date you ever went on: My boyfriend has a problem watching other people eat. On our first date, he watched the TV behind me the whole time!

Keep this in mind the next time you have a date the same night as a significant game (or an insignificant one, for that matter). "I'm sorry, I have an issue with watching people eat. It's nothing personal, it's just a hang-up of mine. So I'm just going to focus on the TV instead." I suppose you could even add in a back-story about your dad yelling at you for talking with your mouth full or something to earn sympathy points, but why complicate matters?...

After three+ games, there's only one undefeated team left in baseball, and it's the Kansas City Royals. As someone that vaguely remembers the last time the Royals were in the World Series, I think it's great to see them relevant again, if even for a week. Is there room on the bandwagon for one more? Oh...there is no bandwagon? Wanna build one?

Nothing can excite a fanbase quite like having a rookie phenom to root for, especially if that phenom is a pitcher. Even if your team is having a lackluster year, at least there's something to look forward to every five games. Cincinnati thought they were getting such a player last year with Homer Bailey, but that hasn't worked out just yet. Perhaps this year will be different. Now, they have a Cueto:




Finally, if you haven't seen this yet, check out JR Gidden from last night's broadcast of the college slam dunk contest, and his homage to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air:


Unfortunately, the judges didn't award Gidden any bonus points for the finish. Sorry JR. But there's no need to argue. Judges just don't understand.

Shoot Me Up A Winner, Bobby

The New York Daily News is reporting that in 2004, Cardinals catalyst and one of the rare feel-good stories of the summer, Rick Ankiel, received a 12-month supply of human growth hormone from a Florida pharmacy. For Cards fans, this has to feel like they were just shown an alternate version of The Natural in which Roy Hobbs' pain becomes so severe that he has to shoot up with morphine before each game; and eventually, he robs a drifter for a fix, beats him to death with the Savoy Special, and finds himself sentenced to life in prison. (Actually, I think I'd watch that movie.) I wouldn't be surprised at all tomorrow to tune into Deadspin and see that its creator and ardent Cardinals fan, Will Leitch, has mimicked MGoBlog's response after the Wolverines lost to Appalachian State and replaced the entire site with pictures of kittens.

Of course, Ankiel will either deny the allegations or more likely, give some version of "I can't comment at this time, but I look forward to clearing my name." Meanwhile, Cardinals fans will rally around Ankiel as long he continues to hit homers. Even those who acknowledge his guilt will likely point out that this all occurred before major league baseball had banned HGH. If that excuse sounds familiar, it's because it's exactly what Giants fans will tell you if you bring up the name Barry Lamar Bonds. Of course, the difference between the two is that Bonds was actually a good player before he started using performance enhancers- tho neither one of them was able to hit home plate with a throw when it counted in the playoffs.

Fortunately for Rick Ankiel, even if he is proven beyond a reasonable doubt to have received this shipment, a figure from another sport has provided a unique rationalization for such a purchase. You may recall that the NFL recently suspended former Bears assistant coach and current Cowboys quarterback coach Wade Wilson for five games after they learned that he too had received a shipment of HGH. Thursday, Wade Wilson revealed that while he was using the drug as a performance enhancer, it was for a much different type of performance than its typical use. Wilson was experimenting with HGH to treat impotence that was brought on by his diabetes and is not treatable by conventional methods. He purchased the substances from a "Florida rejuvenation clinic" for between $3,000 and $4,000. Wow- that is one expensive erection. If only he had seen the private pictures of Vanessa Hudgens- he would have been able to save a few bucks.

So maybe that was the case with Rick Ankiel. Maybe he had a little trouble lifting his bat and called on the fix-all hormone of champions. I know Rafael Palmeiro is wishing he'd thought of it.

...
By the way, while searching for a corresponding photo for this post, I came across this image, which I had to include because while not quite fitting, it made me think of the following exchange:

-I can't inject you with window cleaner.

-I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?

-It causes your brain to die last.

-I don't mind.