Something I Ate Gave Me Visions of Elijah. Now I Finally Understand How Some of That Crazy Stuff Got in the Old Testament

Talk about bad timing- late Saturday night, out of nowhere, I came down with some sort of 24 hour illness that totally wiped me out and had on a seesaw of nausea and drifting off into a coma for the entire day Sunday. So instead of attending a Super Bowl party, I ended up watching the game from bed while sipping Gatorade and being grateful that we live in a day and age when a person can pause live TV for emergency sprints to the bathroom. Good times. I'm still not sure what caused it, although earlier Saturday night, I did have an ever-so-brief encounter with Erin Andrews, and she did seem pretty tired herself. And while we didn't exchange any bodily fluids, I did sense some sort of connection between us. Unfortunately, the connection wasn't strong enough to prevent her from pulling free from my grasp.

By the end of the day Sunday, my illness was affecting me to the point where I began hallucinating. At one point, I even thought I saw the Giants win the Super Bowl and Eli Manning named MVP. Crazy, I know.

A few other observations from Sunday that may or may not be true:

Jordin Sparks looked really nervous prior to performing the national anthem, considering that it appeared she had lip-synched the entire thing. Maybe they had trouble with her track skipping during rehearsals? Or it could be that the Giants were planning on using her as a linebacker and she couldn't remember all the blitzing schemes.

It all became moot with a Giants victory, but I have to say that at no point watching the game did I ever feel like I was watching one of the greatest teams of all time. Well, that's not entirely true. When Troy Aikman made his pregame locker room speech, I was reminded what an all-time great team looks like.

With the Patriots' loss, Tom Brady's name is now removed from the list of quarterbacks to start and win multiple Super Bowls without losing a single one. That club is now reduced to: Bart Starr, Terry Bradshaw, Jim Plunkett, Joe Montana, and Troy Aikman.

While Tom Brady is still certainly a lock for the Hall of Fame, this game basically destroyed the chances of another hopeful, and he didn't even play in the game. Tiki Barber, I'm sorry, but any grandiose speech that you may have been planning will have to be reserved for Al Roker.

People are ripping on Bill Belichick for leaving the game early, noting that it displayed a lack of grace, class, or dignity. But I think it was an illustration of just how dedicated to the game coach Belichick really is. Obviously, he was just trying to get an early start on next year's film study.

Was there really a commercial featuring Mickey Rooney and Rosie O'Donnell (ching chong, ching chong Salesgenie.com" as panda bears? I'm not the most politically correct person, but I think that could have been interpreted as demeaning by some. Although it could have been much worse. I heard the original version of the commercial had some monkeys walk in with the pandas yelling at them, "Hurry up and buy!"

Apparently, that wasn't the only commercial that offended people. This is an actual comment left by a Yahoo! reader on MJD's sports blog:
"PULL DORITOS AD

As a parent I will tell you this: that ad is unacceptable and I plan to voice that opinion in as many forums and venues possible including to the FTC and my Congressman. To have to watch that violence displayed so casually and for it to continue like that unstopped is so far from acceptable by anyones' standards that I am beyond upset. But I have the energy, and resources to hold them accountable. How does behaivor like that displayed in that ad get approve?. Well,its about time someone(Doritos) is held accountable legally and in the court of public opinion. Mistake......big mistake on Doritos part. I'm so sick of tolerating these decisions by their board of directors. Period.
Email: rqbisp@yahoo.com"

Here's the ad in question if you need a refresher:


At first, I thought this was an unbelievable overreaction to the "mouse trap" ad, but then I remembered that I was scarred by something similar when I was younger- except instead of a giant mouse, it was my wrestling coach; and instead of a bag of Doritos being taken, it was my virgin ass. So on second thought, you fight the good fight rqbisp@yahoo.com!

Ok, I can't end this post with the story of the first time I was anally raped. That just isn't fair to my readers. So instead, here's some behind the scenes footage from Adriana Lima's Victoria's Secret Super Bowl ad:

I Hope John Mellencamp Saved His Residual Checks

The 2006-07 NFL season left us with two indelible impressions: Peyton Manning removing the Steve Young Commemorative Monkey off his back and shipping it to Donovan McNabb, and Chevy and John Mellencamp's assault on America with their "This Is Our Country" campaign. This season, the Patriots and Colts are the preseason front-runners to raise the Lombardi trophy, but which commercial will be able to carry the torch as 30 seconds of interstitial water boarding? Here are the early contenders:

3. Coors Light - Fake Press Conferences

I was going back and forth between this Coors Light campaign and the "It turned blue!" ad that's been running for a few months now. (Seriously, are we really that retarded as a nation that we need color coded labeling to know when something in our refrigerator is cold? Don't answer that, Miss Teen South Carolina.) But the press conference ads get the nod for the sheer volume we can likely expect during the regular season. The ads were moderately entertaining last year when the Jim Mora "Playoffs" rant was featured, but as an ongoing concept, it runs out of steam pretty quickly. To make matters worse, this season's series includes Bill Parcells, who is made insufferable by his Berman-like smugness and misguided belief in his own wit. Now if only the ads were like this inspired parody, then maybe I'd give them another year. (audio NSFW)...


2. Heineken Draughtkeg - Robotic Refreshment

In case you haven't seen it, here's the ad:


Cyborg golden shower scenes may be commonplace in Japanese Anime, but I'm just not sure we're ready for it yet in the United States. Heck, NBC wasn't even willing to cast a hot actress to star in the remake of "Bionic Woman" (which is why it's doomed to failure), so we still obviously have quite a way to go in robot/human sexual relations.

1. Viagra - "Viva Viagra"

This is the landslide winner. It has both of the elements that Chevy used to drive us crazy - a song that you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try, and a company that's willing to buy enough airtime that you're actually surprised when a commercial break passes during a game and you don't hear the commercial. If you've watched the NFL Network at all during the preseason, you've probably already seen this ad 50 times. But for those fortunate few who haven't seen it yet, be prepared this season for an onslaught from these guys:


Congrats, Viagra. You've established yourself as the drug guys reach for when they're having trouble getting it up for a circle jerk in an abandoned roadhouse. Honestly fellas, when it gets to that point, maybe it's just time to call off the fraternity reunions.

Fortunately, with Sunday Ticket, these ads will only be a nuisance during Sunday and Monday night football when there aren't alternative channels to flip to. But between these ads, Tony Kornheiser, and Tiki Barber, what a long six hours those will be.

Lil' Robert Horry Wants to Sell You a Jeep

One of the great side benefits of buying the sports packages on DirecTv is seeing the local commercials on regional sports networks. So while the San Antonio vs Orlando game will be better known for that incredible game winning last second alley-oop on the inbound from Hedo Turguklo to Dwight Howard, I'll also remember it as the first time I saw this Jeep commercial starring Lil' Robert Horry:

(Note: This is much funnier if you've had a little bit to drink. Actually, that's pretty much true for everything on this blog.)



I love Lil' Robert's gestures in this commercial. They should give him a sitcom on CW immediately.