By now, you've likely seen the video of Shaq reminding the world that he drops rhymes like he hits free throws. It really isn't that big of a deal, since Shaq has already backpedaled from his vicious assault- not on Kobe, but rather on those with ears. But like after watching any car wreck, the only way I can try to erase it from my memory is to try to talk it out. So please bear with me while I sort out my thoughts:

-Did Shaq really ask how his ass tastes? If I had to guess, I'd say it tastes like pine, considering that's where his ass has been the past two seasons.

-Why the diss on Kareem's legacy? Perhaps somewhere in his career, Kareem tried to teach Shaq something, which as we've all learned by now, Shaq considers an insult.

-Is Shaq really allowed to call himself a rapper? Shouldn't actual skills be a criteria to making this claim? Shaq calling himself a rapper because he's been caught on tape trying to rap is like me calling myself a porn star because I once hid a video camera on the dresser in my bedroom.

-Will Kobe come out with his own "freestyle" rap in response? If so, I'd suggest that to match this one, he rhyme "poet" with "know it," "mvp" with "dnp," and of course, "me" with "me."

-Will this feud evolve along the lines of Biggie and Tupac? Are the streets of Holmby Hills safe? Do either Shaq or Kobe even have posses to do their dirty work anymore, or have they thrown everyone around them under the bus?

Finally, I have to wonder how this will all end. Ideally, Phil Jackson will be the peacemaker. Only this time, he'll do it by impaling them both with a samurai sword. It's a new kind of zen. The bloody kind.

Labels: Cringeworthy

The image to the right was captured by a Deadspin reader who was watching the Panthers/Sabres game Sunday night when Panthers player Richard Zednik's neck was sliced by the errant skate of teammate Olli Jokinen. It chillingly depicts what a person looks like when they fear they're about to die. Actually, that look of terror is pretty similar to what I look like when I wake up each morning and realize that I'm still alive, and my life is exactly the same as the day before.

Thankfully, Zednik survived this impromptu attempt at completing The Iron Lotus and is now in stable condition. If this were any other sport, I'd assume that Zednik is at least out for the year. But since it's hockey, who knows? Maybe he'll be playing tomorrow.

This is the second time that such a chilling incident has occurred in an NHL game. In 1989, Buffalo Sabres goalie Clint Malarchuk had his jugular sliced by a skate in the middle of a game. He also was able to skate off the ice under his own power, which is absolutely incredible considering how he looked moments after the accident (warning: extremely graphic).

In youth hockey, players are required to wear a neck guard, and I wouldn't be surprised if a similar initiative is taken in the NHL. Heck, after seeing these images, I might even get one for myself, and I don't even play hockey. But an exploding beer bottle, a low-flying bird, or a stripper with long fingernails could all spell trouble. It's a dangerous world out there.

Labels: Cringeworthy

The 2006-07 NFL season left us with two indelible impressions: Peyton Manning removing the Steve Young Commemorative Monkey off his back and shipping it to Donovan McNabb, and Chevy and John Mellencamp's assault on America with their "This Is Our Country" campaign. This season, the Patriots and Colts are the preseason front-runners to raise the Lombardi trophy, but which commercial will be able to carry the torch as 30 seconds of interstitial water boarding? Here are the early contenders:

3. Coors Light - Fake Press Conferences

I was going back and forth between this Coors Light campaign and the "It turned blue!" ad that's been running for a few months now. (Seriously, are we really that retarded as a nation that we need color coded labeling to know when something in our refrigerator is cold? Don't answer that, Miss Teen South Carolina.) But the press conference ads get the nod for the sheer volume we can likely expect during the regular season. The ads were moderately entertaining last year when the Jim Mora "Playoffs" rant was featured, but as an ongoing concept, it runs out of steam pretty quickly. To make matters worse, this season's series includes Bill Parcells, who is made insufferable by his Berman-like smugness and misguided belief in his own wit. Now if only the ads were like this inspired parody, then maybe I'd give them another year. (audio NSFW)...


2. Heineken Draughtkeg - Robotic Refreshment

In case you haven't seen it, here's the ad:


Cyborg golden shower scenes may be commonplace in Japanese Anime, but I'm just not sure we're ready for it yet in the United States. Heck, NBC wasn't even willing to cast a hot actress to star in the remake of "Bionic Woman" (which is why it's doomed to failure), so we still obviously have quite a way to go in robot/human sexual relations.

1. Viagra - "Viva Viagra"

This is the landslide winner. It has both of the elements that Chevy used to drive us crazy - a song that you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try, and a company that's willing to buy enough airtime that you're actually surprised when a commercial break passes during a game and you don't hear the commercial. If you've watched the NFL Network at all during the preseason, you've probably already seen this ad 50 times. But for those fortunate few who haven't seen it yet, be prepared this season for an onslaught from these guys:


Congrats, Viagra. You've established yourself as the drug guys reach for when they're having trouble getting it up for a circle jerk in an abandoned roadhouse. Honestly fellas, when it gets to that point, maybe it's just time to call off the fraternity reunions.

Fortunately, with Sunday Ticket, these ads will only be a nuisance during Sunday and Monday night football when there aren't alternative channels to flip to. But between these ads, Tony Kornheiser, and Tiki Barber, what a long six hours those will be.

Labels: Commercials, Cringeworthy, Videos

...Here is the world's leading "athlete" of the game. Not exactly breaking any home-schooling stereotypes.



I honestly haven't watched the video in its entirety yet. It's just so uncomfortable, awkward, and frustrating that I can only watch in 20 second increments. Perhaps by the end of the night, I'll see the dramatic conclusion of this clip. But unless the nookie girl news anchor reaches through the satellite feed and chokes the living daylights out of the kid, I know I'll be disappointed.

Labels: Cringeworthy, Peripheral Sports, Videos