Monday, December 10, 2007

This Dog Won't Hunt No More

Michael Vick was sentenced to 161 dog months in federal prison today, and I fully expected Michael David Smith- aka the blog world's version of Skip Bayless- over at the AOL FanHouse to come up with at least 10 useless posts on the event. But I guess he's too busy trying to fabricate a controversy out of a few drunken Englishmen booing the national anthem during a prize fight in Las Vegas, so it's up to me to pick up the slack in the uselessness department. Fortunately, I'm up to the task.

As you can see by the image here, it was a pretty grim scene in the courthouse for Vick today. Although judging by his attire, I'm not sure if he was convicted of dogfighting or stealing everyone's cheeseburgers ("Don't take burgers, robble, robble.") Or maybe he's being shipped off to a 1920s chain gang to do his time? That would actually work out for him as if he were to make a run for it, he wouldn't have to worry too much about being caught. Even if the guards were to release bloodhounds on him, the dogs would just look at each other like, "are you crazy? Do you know what that guy does to dogs? I like my life too much. How 'bout I just sit hear and sniff some butts for awhile?)

Regardless, it's fair to say that whatever Michael Vick paid his team of attorneys, he got ripped off. Master P has negotiated better deals for players. He would have been far better off taking those millions and donating it to the Republican National Committee. Then all of the evidence against him would have been mysteriously destroyed and Vick's case would be tabled in pursuit of issues of greater national concern. Like say, tracking down those drunken boo-ers and sending them to Guantanemo Bay.

So anyway, I wonder what the topic of conversation will be during tonights Saints-Falcons game?


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Surrey County DA Finally Realizes That Maybe Michael Vick Was Up To No Good

I'm tired of this story. You're tired of this story. But just to wrap things up for a bit- if anyone was wondering what it was going to take for the Surrey County DA to actually press charges against hometown hero Michael Vick, it turns out that a confession and an apology finally did the trick. Barely.

I don't really understand why Vick isn't offered double jeopardy protection from being prosecuted twice for the same crime. But then again, all of my legal education is from ESPN, so why should I know anything? There's speculation that if the charges are allowed to proceed, then Vick will plea this out and try to get concurrent sentences. That seems like the smart thing to do. Personally, I think it would be far more entertaining if he were to try to prove his innocence despite having a confession on the record. Crazy thing is: in a Virginia trial by jury, he might actually get away with it. After seeing this video, I can see how easy it is to be persuaded by Ookie's charm and am now convinced of his innocence:

I just hope someday, Vick is able to use his resources to find the real kingpin.

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Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Crazy Thing Is: Deion Sanders Gets Paid To Proffer His Opinion

Tonight's Nightcap is being brought to you by Deion Sanders Kool-Aid. Deion's Kool Aid: it's like an acid trip for morons. The latest serving was in an editorial in the esteemed Southwest Florida News-Press. I haven't seen someone have such misguided logic and reasoning since....well, since the last time I heard Deion Sanders speak. Buckle up your seat belts and carve out your cerebral cortex with an ice cream scoop because we're about to go on a wild ride.

I would’ve never thought Mike Vick, one of the NFL’s most exciting players — the man who makes the network execs smile every time he plays — would ever be indicted for crimes against man’s best friend.

The potential impact could be devastating.

Absolutely, Deion. Excellent start. This already has been devastating to many people- dog lovers, Falcons fans, and anyone who was cursed to be born with a sense of decency. This in it's own little way is having an impact on a major portion of society. Please expound for us, oh wise Seminole:

He could lose millions worth of endorsements. Nike has already suspended the release of his new shoe. He could lose millions he was supposed to get from the Atlanta Falcons, if the club decides to cut him.

Oh you mean it could be devastating for Vick, personally? You mean a guy who mistook his fame and fortune for being above the law might actually lose his millions of dollars if he's found guilty of committing a felony? I hadn't realized that. I really feel for the guy now.

Some people kiss their dogs on the mouth. Some people let their dogs eat from their plate. Some people dress their dogs in suits more expensive than mine, if you can believe that.

And some people enjoy proving they have the biggest, toughest dog on the street. You’re probably not going to believe this, but I bet Vick loves the dogs that were the biggest and the baddest.

You see, most people don't understand Vick because they're the types of people that show their love with things like kindness and sharing. But other people can only show their love through abuse and punishment, and by killing those that aren't worthy of their love. I'm sure someone must understand this. Elijah Dukes, Rae Carruth, Orenthal- they all know what Deion's talkin' about.

Why are we indicting him?

Because he broke the law? Repeatedly? And they have a lot of evidence? I'm just guessing.

Was he the ringleader? Is he the big fish? Or is there someone else?

Maybe Vick was hanging out with drug lords and mob bosses at his dog fights, and those are the people the Feds are really after. It's certainly possible. So remember kids: if you're ever going to get into crime, be sure to surround yourself with even more heinous criminals than you so that you can be acquitted under the lesser known "At least I'm not as bad as that dude" statute.

I believe Vick had a passion for dogfighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death.

And isn't that what life is really about: finding your true passion and experiencing it to the fullest? It's not Mike's fault that his passion just happened to involve the reckless destruction of life for sport. We should all be so lucky to live as fulfilling a life as Vick does.

It’s like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn’t tap out when he knows he can’t win.

The ultimate fighter is also acting on his own volition whereas the dog has no choice in the matter. Perhaps a more apt comparison is to the Roman Gladiatorial Games in which slaves would meet in front of thousands of spectators and fight each other to the death for the honor of serving their masters in the afterlife. Of course, that sounds barbaric and repugnant in modern society, so instead let's pretend the dog is really Chuck Lidell.

It reminds me of when I wore a lot of jewelry back in the day because I always wanted to have the biggest chain or the biggest, baddest car. It gives you status.

Ok, this is actually just Deion's desperate attempt to make sure the story is at least partially about him rather than Vick, but just for fun, I'll play along with this misguided analogy because I can relate. It's like when I went out to dinner with this girl and I felt like I had to order the porterhouse so I could have status. Then I drugged her and started a prostitution ring out of my house. Because *that's* status. Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.

Who shot Darrant Williams? Remember the Denver Bronco cornerback? I’m just more concerned about bringing to justice someone who killed a human.

If Deion were making a commentary about how sad it is that our society has become so desensitized to human suffering, I'd be right there with him. But I don't think that's what he's doing here. He's employing a diversionary tactic by saying that there are worse things out there in the world, so let's not care about this lesser incident. It's an attitude which is both irresponsible and inhumane because it leads to not caring about anything, since there will always be something "more important" to conjure up. It's not like any Denver area detectives were taken off the Williams case to follow leads in Michael Vick's alleged dog-fighting, so why can't we be concerned about both?

We’re attacking this dogfighting ring the same way a teenager attacks his MySpace page after school (by the way parents, make sure you monitor your kids).

Listen Deion: Incoming West Virginia freshman running back and super stud prep star Noel Devine turned down the opportunity to become an instant millionaire and fled your home when you tried to raise him. So spare me the platitudes and parenting tips, Ok?

The reason this is turning into a three-ring circus is that baseball is boring, basketball is months away, football is around the corner and we in the media don’t have a thing interesting to write about.

David Stern would greatly appreciate it if you could inform all other writers and broadcasters that there is nothing to cover in his sports at this time. Just move along. Nothing to see here.

How will this end up? I have no idea. All I know is Falcons fans better pray because Vick’s backup is Joey Harrington. Enough said.

"Dear lord baby Jesus, please reach down with your mighty hand and cast a fire which might destroy the evidence that condemns #7 Michael Vick for brutally torturing and killing animals, hanging out with drug dealers, and illegal gambling so that I, your loyal subject, may bear witness to a 9 and 7 season this year rather than a 4 and 12 nightmare with Joey Harrington."


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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Peter King Acting Like Court Jester

I just got back and I was getting ready to post my reaction to one of Peter King's latest knee-jerk comments. I know which one, right? This time it was the bit where he uses his column to try to get the upper hand in his ongoing feud with Emmitt Smith. However during the course of my research (yes, I occasionally do a minimal amount of research), I came across this article which echoes my viewpoint in a far more articulate manner:

Peter King: Oh Really?

It's a good read if you get the chance. Once again, Peter King has shown the kind of reading comprehension and intelligent reasoning that is usually reserved for the Caps Lock commenters over at AOL FanHouse.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Vick Has Support of NFL Until Jersey Sales Slow Down

So, I don't know if anyone's told you this yet, but Michael Vick was indicted on charges of dogfighting. Nobody's covering this story anywhere, so I'm sure you're probably in shock right now, but I thought you had the right to know.

The weird thing is, I thought we'd heard from ESPN a week or so ago that all of the information was in, and Vick was not going to be indicted? Maybe next time something like this comes along, Chris Mortensen might want to try checking with federal sources rather than league sources before filing his story. I don't want to say Mortensen has become a shill for the NFL, but well, if it looks like a muppet and talks like a muppet...

To be fair, perhaps there was a breaking development between the time ESPN said Vick was in the clear and when the Feds made the decision to bring charges against the former Hokies QB. My sources* indicate that the Feds were unconvinced of Vick's involvement until they found this shaky, second-hand video in Vick's home which confirmed his interest in dog-fighting:

Right now all of the focus has been on the animal cruelty aspects of Vick's alleged organization of dog fights, which is understandable because they are salacious and will generate emotion and of course, viewers. But eventually, someone in the NFL front office is going to start paying attention to the illegal gambling part of these dog fighting sessions. Vick was allegedly gambling large sums of money on matches, and since odds on these fights weren't being offered by Vegas sportsbooks, it's fair to assume that Vick was also involved in underground gambling. If Vick became indebted to bookies, is it that far-fetched to assume that he might be allowed to cover his losses by shaving a few points off of Falcons games throughout the season? Honestly, Vick would be the perfect guy to target for such a ploy. Would anyone be suspicious at all if Vick were to overthrow a receiver or fumble the ball in a key situation? It happened all the time anyway- he might as well get paid for it.

While Vick may be able to skate on the federal charges, it may be the gambling that is his undoing. Just ask Art Schlicter. Or Pete Rose.

(*sources may be my imagination.)

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