Hey Digger- Is That A Highlighter In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To Be Dancing With Cheerleaders?

Last night, ESPN took their college gameday crew up to Berkeley, where Digger Phelps obviously indulged himself with some traditional Berkeley pregame tokes. Either that, or sharing a hotel with Erin Andrews creates such a testosterone overload that a man is driven to do crazy things. How else to explain these actions?



This isn't the first time this season that an ESPN analyst has decided to eschew any resemblance to credibility by dancing with cheerleaders during a commercial break (Self aware Ed note- stay tuned for UCLA dance team pics this week!). Although to be fair, Digger Phelps and Dick Vitale abandoned any notion of being legitimate basketball analysts a long, long time ago.

(HT: Bruins Nation)

Update: Thanks to reader JSon for pointing out where Digger got his dance moves. It's the same place he found his shrewd fashion sense- from the movie Caddyshack:

Dick Vitale Gives Jayhawk Cheerleaders His Feel Of Approval

Quiz time. After a three month absence from the internets, a sports blogger wants to reestablish a viewership to his website. Should he:

a) Take time to write an insightful, uplifting piece about an athlete who has had a positive influence on the community around him?

b) Write an inflammatory headline that might show up on a few search engines?

c) Rip on an ESPN personality?

d) Feature a midriff baring cheerleader?

e) Any of the above, except for God's sake, don't even think about "a."

The answer of course is "e," which is why it was nice timing that just when I was contemplating whether I should return to the blogosphere, I should see Dick Vitale dancing with some cheerleaders and..."freeze it!"





Hmmm...I might have a feel-good story, afterall. It's hard to tell, but it looks to me like Dicky V could be called for a hand-check violation on those moves. Although, it's not like he went for full-on cuppage, and there really aren't many 'safe' areas on a girl in a sports bra for a broadcaster to grab. So maybe this should just go in the category of, "no harm, no foul- play on."

Let's check the videotape:



Strange choice of music, I know. But I thought I'd get a head start on Vitale's tribute video after Bob Knight marginalizes him to ESPNU.

So upon further review...play on. Play on playa, play on. Sorry, I think I channeled Stu Scott there for a second. (Hey, that's two ESPN personalities in one post. I think I'm finding my stride again pretty quickly. It's good to be back.)

So How Much Will It Cost To Get Them Out Of The House?

For all the heat ESPN deservedly gets from hacks like me, they deserve equal praise for their commitment to the V Foundation, a charity dedicated to cancer research in honor of the late Jim Valvano. Currently, ESPN has quite a few items and experiences available for auction on Ebay with the proceeds going to the foundation. I'd encourage everyone to check them out.

Amazingly (to me, at least), the item garnering the most attention from bidders is the opportunity to have Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic broadcast "Mike and Mike" from your home. With a day left in the auction, the bidding is over $30,000.00. That's more money than Greenberg made in book sales, I'm guessing.

Most likely, the high bidders are companies hoping to turn the auction into a pre-made commercial and good publicity. Plus, they get the added benefit of knowing that they're helping in the fight against cancer. Of course, they'll also be forced to listen to four hours of Mike and Mike, which might very well cause a brain tumor. So it's pretty much a wash.

Caption Contest

Last night, I went to Pauley Pavilion to see UCLA take on the mighty Coyotes of Cal State San Bernardino. While there, I was struck by the juxtaposition of seeing Ben Howland and John Wooden on one sideline and Steve Lavin on the other. I snapped this pic while Lavin was espousing his wisdom to an ESPN colleague:




This pic is in need of a caption. A few suggestions:

"Steve Lavin impresses the ladies by showing off his championship rings."

"Lavin's tongue is purely cosmetic, as he does all of his talking out of his ass."

"Sayeth the Lizard: 'And this was the signal I used to tell the team to just run around like it was a pickup game and you were all meeting for the first time.' "

Your suggestions?

At Least He Didn't Commandeer a Camera Too

Suzy Kolber just described Marshawn Lynch as "unassuming" and as "someone who shies away from being the star."

In case Suzy missed this during the course of her cracker jack research, here's a highlight of that unassuming Marshawn at Cal.



Look at that shy guy. He's so afraid of the spotlight, he has to race away from it.

Mike Patrick Is Losing His Mind

At one point in the Georgia-Alabama game, the Crimson Tide was called for defensive pass interference on a slant pattern inside their own 20. ESPN showed a slow motion shot from the end zone in which you could clearly see the Georgia receiver's jersey being stretched out by the Alabama corner who was tugging at it to slow him down. It was an obvious pass interference. Immediately, after the replay, Mike Patrick announced decisively, "I didn't like that call." I thought to myself that at Patrick's age, he might be losing his eyesight. Little did I know, he was actually losing his mind.

The game was very tightly contested throughout and ended up going into overtime. Alabama got the ball first and ended up kicking a field goal. As Georgia prepared to take the field for their key possession in what was a huge game for both teams, there were a few questions to ponder. What would Georgia's approach be? Would they take a shot for the win with the passing game or knowing that the only way they could likely lose would be with a turnover, go with a more conservative approach? Would Georgia be able to trust their kicker after he'd just missed one that would have won the game at the end of regulation? Mike Patrick, however, had a more pressing question for Todd Blackledge:



Maybe this is the result of spending a career working with Paul Maguire, Joe Theismann and Dick Vitale, but as Patrick himself would say, Ho-lee Cow!

We May Miss Dan Patrick More Than You Ever Imagined

Now that Dan Patrick has made it official that he will be leaving ESPN August 17 to pursue other interests, it's time to speculate on who will be hired to replace him on ESPN radio. I'm sure Colin Cowherd will be vying for the job, but his schtick seems to fit in best with the morning radio crowd. Steve Mason certainly has the credentials for the job, tho I don't know that he necessarily has the name recognition. But there is another guy out there who already has a big following amongst ESPN viewers and has recently begun a foray into radio. As he himself might write in the announcement:

Oh my God! That's Bill Simmons' music!!

Granted, this is a bit far-fetched, but in some ways, it makes sense. For example:

-Despite what you might read from blogs, Simmons is one of the most popular personalities at ESPN.
-Simmons has made it clear for years that he's frustrated with only being a blogger, and now that he's pushing 40, is looking to do more.
-This summer, Simmons began his "BS report" podcast on espn, and has been a frequent guest on Adam Carolla's radio show. Could it be that ESPN brass has known for some time that Patrick is leaving, and these were presented as some preliminary opportunities for training before getting called up to "The Show?"
-In recent months, Simmons and Colin Cowherd have entered into a bit of an ongoing feud. Could this have been fabricated to create a rivalry between the two to generate interest in a back-to-back lineup of Cowherd and Simmons?

Of course, there are some factors working against this move. Other ESPN radio personalities have seniority and would certainly be upset if Simmons were to leapfrog them. Simmons works better when he has someone to play off of, and it's unlikely that ESPN will hire Sully and J-Bug to co-host. Simmons is in LA and the national shows tend to be broadcast from Bristol. Finally, and most importantly, Simmons has a terrible radio voice (tho really, is it any worse than Cowherd's?)

All in all, I'd consider it unlikely for Bill Simmons to outright replace Dan Patrick. However, given the recent added exposure that ESPN has given guys like Steven A Smith and Stu Scott, I suppose anything is possible.

Steve Lavin's Deal With the Devil Has Yet to Expire

(Thanks to BruinsNation for first coming across this story...)

What is the penalty handed down by the Fates for wreaking havoc upon the fans of a storied athletic program for seven years and then using that experience to wreak havoc on sports fans everywhere by becoming a cliche factory for ESPN? Apparently, it's a crap load of cash, a luxury home and smoking hot wife. Sometimes life pisses me off.

Former UCLA head coach Steve Lavin is looking to buy a home in Brentwood or Coronoa del Mar, and as such, has put his Newport Beach home up for sale. The 4 bedroom, 4 1/2 bath home is being listed for $3,995,000. According to the listing, the home located at 1906 Port Bristol (note: I've included the address for informational purposes only. I'd hate to see anyone use this for anything untoward.) features real distressed timbers, hand molded clay roof tiles, custom wrought iron work, and Venetian plaster. Although rumor has it that while it has all of the individual components of a landmark home, Lavin was never able to piece it together into even one of the final four best houses in the neighborhood, and most brokers would annually barely put it within the top 16.

While not listed in the brochure, other features are likely to include:

- Unused, like new, custom built trophy room.
- All bathrooms equipped with hair gel dispensers.
- Wine cellar filled with unopened bottles of champagne.
- Walk-in closets big enough to hold 200 pit-stained dress shirts.

One photo from the listing shows that the bonus room was decorated with a card table. How great would it be to sit down at a poker table with Steve Lavin? You could give him every ace in the deck, and still get him to fold before the showdown.

Presumably, Lavin is selling now so he'll have time to get another home for his new wife, actress Mary Ann Jarou (pictured), who according to Neiman Marcus, he will be marrying August 17. Looking at her picture, it's obvious that Lavin still has a knack for courtship, tho it will be interesting to see how successful the marriage itself will be.

Bruin Nation's UCLA Class of 86 has his own prediction:

She's a good recruit for Steve Lavin, but four years from now she will leave him, looking disheveled and disoriented, wondering why she wasted her time with a guy who promised her the moon and only delivered cheese.

Meanwhile, fellow BN contributor Meriones has a good feel for the statement Lavin will release to the press following their divorce:

"You know, marriage is a marathon, not a sprint (1) . There's always a lot of give and take (2), and sometimes people don't always see eye-to-eye (3). In the end, there was nothing wrong with her, it was me (4). We just drifted apart (5). I will always love her (6) and we've decided that we will still remain friends (7). They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce (8) and we gave it our best shot (9), but we just couldn't overcome the odds (10). Overall, though, I wish her nothing but the best (11) and she deserves someone who can truly make her happy (12)."

Brilliant stuff, guys. That was so funny, it made me cry. Or maybe it was just remembering the Lavin era that brought on the tears. Either way, nice work.

At Least We Got a Peak at Ashley's Judds

Hope you all had a nice weekend. If you actually went on vacation and were away from a tv, you didn't miss much in the sports world. If you want proof of just how slow it was, head over to the AOL FanHouse and you'll find that they were only able to come up with 50-100 filler articles over the three days, which is seemingly a tenth of their normal productivity. Seriously, not one article about a B list athlete's mundane holiday activities? (suggested story: "Jeff Garcia Likes Bratwurst On His Grill"). C'mon guys, step it up! (I kid, I kid.)

A few other reflections from the past couple days:

Manu Ginobili has turned flopping into an artform, much in the same way that a guy spreading his feces on a canvas has turned that into an artform. It was however poetic justice that Derek Fisher was the player victimized by Ginobili's antics since Fisher was the original small man to incorporate flopping as a legitimate defensive strategy.

While the Euros get most of the heat for all of the rampant flopping, I also put some of the blame on the NBA refs. There was a time in basketball where you would always hear an announcer say that the block vs charge foul was the most difficult call for a ref to make. Somewhere along the way, officials just decided "Screw it, it's too tough. Let's just call them all charges." While this Western Conference Final might not be very good immediate entertainment, hopefully it will be good for the long term health of the league, as these teams are forcing the NBA to find ways in the offseason to curb all of the flopping.

While you'd never know it by looking at his face, which looks like Droopy Dog in the episode where his mom had to be put down, Jeff Van Gundy has to be loving his gig as a commentator for ABC. He finally gets to criticize the officials all he wants, and rather than being fined 100 grand, he's collecting a check from ABC. Eat that, David Stern.

If the NBA wants to improve its ratings during what remains in the playoffs, might I suggest that the quasi-burlesque Pussycat Dolls actually remove some clothing during the commercial cutaways? Don't get me wrong, I like the "leaning over, pushing the boobs up beyond the neckline of the jersey tank" move they go with now. It's a timeless classic. But maybe to mix things up a bit, they could start out in warmups, then strip down to jerseys before halftime, and then either a tube top or an NBA Authentic bikini top for the 4th quarter . And if the game goes into overtime? Then, I guess they just hold two basketballs in front of their chest.

Switching over to baseball, since the 2003 season, MLB and ESPN have made the Red Sox-Yankees rivarly the preeminent storyline in the league. Now that the Yankees are quickly becoming irrelevant this season, does that mean that MLB is becoming irrelevant as well, or only ESPN's coverage of the league? More likely, ESPN will drag out the Yankees coverage for at least a few more weeks until Clemens gets a few starts, but after that, they'll need to shift gears and act like they've been following guys like Travis Hafner, Adrian Gonzalez, and JJ Hardy all season long. (In case you only get your MLB coverage from ESPN, those players are on the Indians, Padres, and Brewers respectively.)

Finally, while I missed the live coverage of the Indy 500, I did catch some of the photos from the event; and Ashley Judd can stand braless in the rain all she wants. It's hard for me to believe that she's already pushing 40. Some might say that she's getting too old to play the role of rabid fan. But if she doesn't have to grow up, then neither do I. And if she doesn't mind me enlarging these pics (click for larger version) to steal a glance at her nipples, then I don't mind that either, dammit!

Erin Andrews Smiles While Giving Head

And if you think the only reason I'm even bothering to post this video is to write that title, you'd be absolutely right.

Just beyond the centerfield wall at Tropicana Field in Tampa Bay, the Devil Rays feature cownose rays in an attraction known as The Rays Touch Tank. Monday night during the ESPN broadcast of the Yankees/Devil Rays game, Rick Sutcliffe sent Erin Andrews over there to solve that thing:



Sorry about the lighting for this clip. It looks like the cameraman wasn't allowed to use his on-camera light since there was a game going on the background. Whatever. I could understand the courtesy if the game was between a couple of contenders, but this was just the Devil Rays and Yankees.

If I Were Trump for a Day

One of the best parts about baseball season starting is that it means that the writers at Fire Joe Morgan are in full force again; and this season has been off to a great start. If it's not in your blog rotation already, I highly recommend it.

Reading the site got me to thinking: if I were given the power to fire three sports commentators, who would I chooose? While there are plenty of worthy candidates for the honor, in my opinion, these three have risen above the competition:

1. Chris Berman - Nobody sucks the joy out of sports quite like Boomer, and while Joe Buck gives him a run, no one is impressed with their own humor as much as Berman. Need a reminder of how easy it is for Berman to ruin sports? The NFL draft is in two weeks.

2. Sean Salisbury - The thought of Salisbury showing his junk to ESPN interns is both disturbing and hilarious (unless you're an ESPN intern), but that's not why I'd can him. Salisbury gets the nod because of the disparity between his arrogance and his accomplishments in the sport. It's obvious that Salisbury knows he sucks and is overcompensating- Salisbury chose not to take a job offer as QB coach in Arizona because he knew he'd be exposed as a fraud. Unfortunately, he'll never actually be fired because he fits right in with the ESPN mold of "it doesn't matter what you say, as long as you say it loudly."

3. Joe Morgan - It's not just that Morgan doesn't do any pre-game research, it's that he flaunts that he chooses not to watch game film. It's not just that Morgan hates statistics, he actually believes it makes him more insightful to ignore information. It's not just that Morgan makes only very obvious, very cliche points. It's that he feels compelled to repeat the exact same point ad nauseum within the game. I know seniority means everything in announcing, but I don't understand why ESPN continues to employ him as their lead analyst. There are plenty of ESPN people I'd rather hear instead such as Orel Hershiser, Rick Sutcliffe, or Harold Reynolds (oops). Heck I'd rather hear the Sports Gal call games than Morgan. Joe Morgan's role as lead commentator for ESPN is the best reason to get the MLB Extra Innings package.

While it happens that all of these announcers work for ESPN/ABC Sports, I don't mean to pick on ESPN this time. Since ESPN has the most sports coverage, it's logical that they'd have the most personalities to criticize. But CBS (Nantz, Packer, Dierdorff, Sharpe), Fox (Buck), and NFLN (Sanders) all have worthy candidates.

I'm more interested tho in what you guys have to say. You're given the chance to fire three sports personalities. Who gets the guillotine?

Someone's After Michael Irvin's Severance Pay

A lawsuit has been filed against Michael Irvin by a disgruntled and "disabled" contractor who claims that Irvin assaulted him during a dispute over the final payment for the installation of a fountain at his Plano, TX home. The contractor, Shawn Vandergrift, has accused Irvin of grabbing his left arm and causing enough pain as to require medical attention.

The story itself isn't that newsworthy. It sounds to me like a contractor who has already managed to get permanent disability for a bad hip is now looking for a bigger score from a famous name with a frivolous lawsuit. Suing because Irving grabbed his arm and yelled at him? C'mon now.

Of greater interest to me is the fountain itself. What kind of fountain would Michael Irvin choose to place at the entry to his estate?

Just a few guesses:

1. Water dripping down the ripped abs of a Terrell Owens bust.

2. Calvin peeing on Tom Jackson and Chris Berman.

3. Bikini-clad hoes wrestling in water.

4. Multiple water spouts to form shapes of "The U."

5. It's not a fountain at all, but rather a giant bong.

I guess we'll have to wait until Deion Sanders interviews him for one of those AT&T spots to find out.

Oh, and if there are any architects or designers amongst my readers, I've been wondering where I could find something along these lines...

Be Careful What You Do In A Bar With YouTube Around

This is pretty much for my amusement, but you might enjoy it as well. During the Michigan State/Michigan game, Brent Musburger and Steve Lavin had a brief conversation about the dangers of "that Google thing" and YouTube.



There's footage of Erin Andrews on YouTube? What kind of devious bastard would do that? I'm sure Erin, Holly Rowe, and Heather Cox are pleased to know that Lavin spends his time after games searching YouTube for various sideline reporters. But hey, even greasy-haired, cliche-spewing, charlatan announcers need pleasure too. Tho I feel shafted in the deal. With one clip, I have provided Lavin with more entertainment than he ever gave me while he was wasting young athletes' talent at UCLA.

As for Musburger's comments, I'm not exactly sure what to make of them. Is he upset that he can no longer go to a local watering hole and get loaded on Scotch without the world knowing about it (a fair complaint if you ask me- I'd be pissed too)? Or, was Brent making a subtle reference to another ESPN employee whose barroom prowess is now legendary?