Big Brown's Batter Is Better Than Your Batter

If you were to go to your local sperm bank and make a contribution, you could make yourself a cool 50 bucks- a hundred if none of your filthy diseases show up on subsequent tests. It's not a fortune, but still not a bad payout for seven minutes of work. And yet it pales in comparison to what Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner Big Brown is getting for his liquid gold.

According to AOL's Michael David Smith (pictured), via NBC, horse cock aficionado Three Chimneys Farm has agreed to pay $50 million for the rights to Big Brown's sploogus equus. It's not that bad of a gamble, as horse owners are already lining up to whore out their fillies for a dose of the skeet that's oh so sweet. It's speculated that if Big Brown wins the Triple Crown, his goo will command the highest price in the history of the jism trade market. That is unless of course, Big Brown breaks down in the Belmont, in which case the only sticky he'll be able to produce will be marketed by Elmer's.

If Big Brown were to fall victim to the type of deadly horse injury that occurs twice a day on a racetrack somewhere in the United States, Three Chimney Farms would actually be fine, as insurance would cover that foreseeable happenstance. The greater gamble comes with the fact that while Big Brown may be undefeated, his victories have always been aided by Winstrol. In fact, Big Brown has been doped up by his trainer so frequently and for so long, nobody really knows what the horse looks like without steroids coursing through his veins. Perhaps he's like Barry Bonds and would still be a stellar performer without it. But what if it turns out that TCF shelled out 50 mil for the rights to Brady Anderson's seed? Ask the Brady Anderson groupy how well that has worked out for her.

Big Brown of course is named after UPS- a major client of the mob front trucking business run by Big Brown co-owner, Paul Pompa Jr. For the 50 mil payout, Three Chimney Farms could have chosen to purchase approximately 700,000 shares of UPS on the NYSE instead of the rights to jerk off a horse. I think it says a lot about the current economy that the much wiser investment is in semen.

The lesson in all of this story, obviously, is that horse racing is a beautiful and majestic sport to be respected and revered by all.

All Animals Are Equal, But Some Animals Are More Equal Than Others

This weekend at Pimlico, horse racing enthusiasts and mentally imbalanced people across America all honored the memory and legacy of Barbaro, the horse that inspired a nation by living for eight months in pain after breaking down at The Preakness. The passion displayed for the fallen champion was both disturbing and bewildering, and perhaps even a bit endearing. No actually, I'm sticking with just disturbing and bewildering.

While Barbaro's fight for survival eventually came to an end, the compassion demonstrated by his followers certainly must have endured. So when just minutes after Barbaro's name was ceremonially honored at Pimlico, a five year-old stallion named Mending Fences broke down on the very same track, you would expect enthusiasts to embrace this fallen horse as a new life to fight for. A second chance to win the battle. There would be cards and letter sent to Mending Fences' hospital. Poems and dances would be composed in his name. His struggle would be our struggle, and together we would transcend any of the other petty differences that clutter our day - like actual human suffering.

Or maybe not.

"The horse was put down," Pimlico vice president Mike Gathagan said. A green screen was put up in front of the stallion to shield the procedure from a stunned crowd of more than 100,000.

I guess if you're a horse lover, survival is only worth the fight if you've got extremely valuable jizz.