Jesus Thinks It Would Be Best If Larry Miller Didn't Watch His Jazz Get Swept

This Sunday at 12:30 pst, the Utah Jazz will host the Los Angeles Lakers in the fourth, and quite possibly last, game of their series. During that time, Jazz owner and Latter Day Saint Larry Miller and I will have something in common. Neither of us will be watching the game. Larry Miller won't be in his courtside seat because he will be out on the road contemplating his spirituality, whereas I will be out having brunch with my mother in-law. Advantage: Miller.

This development is nothing new, (although it has been a few years since it's been an issue) as Miller has chosen for quite some time not to attend home playoff games on Sundays, believing that non-spiritual activities should be avoided that day. If that's how Miller believes he should honor his faith, then that's fine. We live in a society where we're free to follow the teachings of Joseph Smith, L. Ron Hubbard, Jesus, or anyone else who had a way with words. (And if I published blog posts more often, perhaps I'd have a few followers of my own.) I just wish that if Larry Miller really believed in not performing non-spiritual activities on Sundays, that he went all the way through with it. While he might not be attending the game, as an owner, he is still conducting business and profiting on the Lord's day.

If Larry Miller were really committed to his religion, then game tickets on Sundays should be free and beer should be sold at cost. That's some spiritual enlightenment that everyone can support. Well, except for any Mormons in attendance who couldn't actually drink the beer. In their consideration, root beer will be a quarter.

Also, I'd advise Larry Miller to avoid attending game 3 tonight too. Sure it's a Friday night, but if he felt compelled to ban Brokeback Mountain from his movie theaters because its content offended his religious sensibilities, then he's really going to be offended by what he sees on the court tonight. If the first two games of this series are any indicator, then Kobe Bryant is going to treat Matt Harpring like a starstruck room service attendant who stays for an extra tip. I've never actually read the Book of Mormon, but I'm pretty sure it says somewhere in the Book of Nephi that thou shalt not enter heaven through the back door. Or something like that.

Kobe's Moved From Rapin' To Heart Stabbin'

When Stu Lantz first started working as a television commentator for the Los Angeles Lakers in 1987, he was working alongside the loquacious Chick Hearn, and as such, he rarely actually spoke. Since Hearn's passing in 2002, Stu Lantz has become more and more vocal as his new partner, Joel Meyers, isn't quite the presence that Hearn was. Usually, Lantz's style is to describe a replay in the "voice" of the person being highlighted. (Example: "Fisher says, 'I'm gonna drop the ball off to Pau.' And then Pau says, 'Thanks Fish, I'll take it from here.' And he slams it home.") However during the deciding moments of last night's Lakers/Blazers game, Stu tried to mix in an analogy. It starts off fine, but then it all goes awry as he tries to stretch the metaphor:





For those who have YouTube blocked at work, here is a transcript:

See, that's one thing I like about that #24: When he gets you on life support, he won't give you mouth-to-mouth. He pulls the plug. A lot of guys get you on mouth to mouth- I mean on life support- they wanna hug and kiss and..revive ya. Kobe says, "Not havin' it. I get ya there, I'm stabbin' ya in the heart."

As tortured as the analogy seems, Stu has been covering the Lakers for over 20 years; so I suppose he must know what he's talking about. A cursory look through the history books provides a few examples to support his claim.

Game 7, 2000 Western Conference Finals. The Portland Trailblazers have a 75-60 lead in the fourth quarter of a game they've been dominating. Seeing that the Lakers are on life support, Rasheed Wallace inexplicably goes to the Lakers bench to tell Rick Fox that he wants to kiss him. (Perhaps not that inexplicable if you've seen Fox's eyes.) This leaves Arvydas Sabonis one-on-one with Shaquille O'Neal, who proceeds to score nine 4th quarter points and ignite the Lakers to the biggest comeback in game 7 history.

Game 4, 2002 Western Conference Finals. Just seconds away from a commanding 3-1 series advantage, the Sacramento Kings needed only to secure a rebound to be well on their way to the NBA Finals. Seeing just a few ticks left on the clock, Vlade Divac decides to reach out an arm to hug Shaquille O'Neal, leaving him with just one arm available to get the ball. Vlade is forced to slap the ball to the three point line towards a wide open Robert Horry, who proceeds to make history.

2002 NBA Finals. Kobe Bryant stabs Jason Kidd in heart (video unavailable).

My apologies, Stu. I guess a lot of guys do lack Kobe's instinct afterall. Still, I have to hope that Mr. Lantz never finds me unconscious, as I am uncertain of his revival methods. Also, what was wrong with just stopping at pulling the plug once someone's on life support? Why we gotta get all stabby-stab with the thing? Stabbing people on life support- even Quintin Tarantino thinks that's messed up. But at least the Lakers broadcast finally has a new catchphrase to replace Chick's "This game's in the refrigerator." Now once the Lakers have an insurmountable lead, Stu can proclaim, "Time to stab grammy in the heart. This thing is over."

Jerry Buss Don't Need His Mamba No Mo

Now that Kobe Bryant has gone 24 straight hours without retracting his latest trade demand, I feel it's somewhat safe to actually discuss it. It's hard for me to imagine Kobe sitting out the entire season, which is really the only leverage he has until 2008. But I guess I wouldn't put it past him to pull a Vince Carter and just give 50% effort and fake some injuries until the Lakers relent and trade him. The problem for the Lakers is that it's impossible to get fair value in return for any deal involving Kobe.

Or at least it was until Lakers' scouts stumbled across an unknown diamond in the rough. Expect to hear an announcement in the next few days. Kobe Bryant will be traded to Chuck E Cheese's in exchange for this guy:

Yeah, that's 1,000 points right there. Try to slow that down, Greg Popovich.

For Radmanovic, It's Not the Fall That Hurts. It's the Lies.

When Vladimir Radmanovic initially told Lakers management that he injured his shoulder slipping on some ice outside Vlade Divac's condo in Utah, it was about as believable as a stripper at Minxx saying she got her bruises when she fell against a pole. Today, Radmanovic released this statement:

"The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception."

I'm not buying the guilty conscience story, so the Lakers must have something on him. Obviously, Radmanovic has never been in a long-term relationship or he would know that once you've committed to a lie, you have to stick with it no matter how damning the evidence is against you. I don't care if Radmanovic was trying to teach Vlade Divac how to do a Backside Air to Fakie and Darko Milicic was filming the entire thing, you have to stick with your story.

Also, how appropriate is it that hanging out for a few days with Vlade Divac ended with a painful flop? That would be like going cliff diving with Alex Rodriguez and crushing yourself because you couldn't hit the ocean, or going out to dinner with Rex Grossman, ordering the best item on the menu and choking on it.