Today is Earth Day, which means it's time look like we care about the environment, while still doing as little as we can to change the way we live our lives. Major League Baseball is no exception, and today many teams are "going green" for the day. When the Cincinnati Reds host the Los Angeles Dodgers, it will be a carbon-neutral game. Their main effort will be to team with noted environmentalist group Duke Energy to purchase carbon credits. But after doing a little digging around, I've discovered a few more ways that the two teams will be saving the environment, one inning at a time:

Dusty Baker has banned the use of computers amongst all staff members.

Baker will also provide examples of extending the use of personal items by keeping his starting pitcher in the game two innings longer than he should.

With Nomar Garciaparra, Andruw Jones, Juan Pierre, and Jeff Kent at his disposal, Joe Torre has the opportunity to field a lineup that contains up to 44% old, recycled material.

Adam Dunn will save trees with each strikeout, as failing to make contact with the ball prevents any bats from being broken.

Dusty Baker will extend the useage of each toothpick he sucks on in the dugout by switching to 'everlasting peppermint' flavor.

Turnstiles will be connected to a generator, thereby creating clean energy with each person that enters the park. (unfortunately, this method will become ineffective when fans stop coming around mid-July)

The urinals at Great America Ball Park will funnel directly into the Bud Light hoses and food left in the stands will be swept up and ground into the next day's hotdogs.

I can almost see the earth healing as I type. It's great that an organization like MLB is taking the forefront in championing such a cause. I can't wait to see what they do for Prostate Cancer awareness.

Labels: MLB.

Here's the rally goat/ram that made its way to the Padres dugout as the People Against Goodness and Normalcy (*bonus points if you actually know that reference) did everything they could to put an end to last night's marathon game:



It's a shame the trophy didn't work. Then the "late night ramming" could have enjoyed such other bestial motivators** in baseball lore as the Rally Monkey, the Happy Beaver, and the Cross-Eyed Panda of Good Fortune.

*-bonus points may be indicator that you watch too many late night movies on Starz, Encore, etc.
**- some items on list may have just been bad hallucinations
***- dear god, i need sleep

Labels: Cinematic Classics, MLB., Videos

As noted earlier today at With Leather, Reanen Maxwell, a former scoreboard operator at Comerica Park has filed a lawsuit against the Detroit Tigers because:

"Tigers photographers routinely shot inappropriate "soft core videos" of female fans at baseball games."

The suit sounds dubious as even using the most conservative definition of "soft core," it's hard to believe that such a practice would go unnoticed in this hypersensitive and hyperhorny culture of ours. My initial instinct was to dismiss the claim as being little more than retaliation from a puritanical (and/or fat,old) former employee. But then I remembered that I still had the 9th inning of Justin Verlander's no-hitter on my Tivo, so I figured I'd rewatch it to see if there was any evidence that the claim might have any merit at all. I was shocked by what I discovered.

The first few crowd shots are pretty standard fare. Fans clapping, old men high-fiving...nothing out of the ordinary here. But if you look real closely and don't blink at the wrong time, you'll notice that after Verlander gets the 2nd out of the ninth, a cameraman does seem to focus in on one woman in particular. See for yourself:



Wow. I mean, just...wow. I didn't even know Comerica had bedroom suites- these modern ballparks sure are something. I can't even show you what happens after Verlander gets the 3rd out. That footage depicts individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.

Someone should just cut Reanen (Ms. Maxwell, if you're nasty) a check right now.

Labels: MLB., Videos

The first pitches of live spring training games have been thrown, and still Barry Bonds finds himself without a team. Right now, his agent Jeff Borris is traveling from park to park and hoping to sell someone on Barry's still potent stick. It's like he's filming a BangBus movie and trying to see what GM he can persuade to get into the van. Unfortunately for Bonds, so far he has no takers despite the fact that even at age 43, he still got on base 48% of the time he stepped to the plate; and it's now Roger Clemens and not him that's the performance enhancing villain du jour. But as the season gets closer and teams realize that their lineup isn't the machine they'd envisioned in the winter meetings, Bonds should start getting more consideration. Even then, his options will be limited. Here is a look at possible destinations for Barry, listed from least to most likely, by my own guesstimation:

San Diego Padres
Reasons to sign: Right now, the Padres projected left fielder is either Scott Hairston or Chase Headley, who hasn't played in the outfield since college. Bonds has hit more home runs against the Padres than any other team, so maybe there's something about the San Diego parks that bring out the best in him. Tijuana is just a 15 minute drive from the park, making the acquisition of steroids, ephedra, HGH, viagra, etc. a breeze.
Reasons not to sign: While San Diego fans are known to be laid back, Barry Bonds has been one of the few players to elicit actual hatred from the home crowd. San Diegans won't start rooting for Barry just because he's wearing a Padres jersey.
Verdict: Padres fans would rather see an adopted golden retreiver from Petco in left field than Barry Bonds. If Kevin Towers were to sign Bonds, it would likely be his last move as GM.

Texas Rangers
Reasons to sign: According to Sportsline, the Rangers will once again go with Frank Catalanotto at DH and bat him 9th. Ninth...for the designated hitter? Rangers Ballpark is a launching pad in the summertime, and Bonds could give some much needed pop to a relatively anemic lineup. Sammy Sosa played for the Rangers last year, so fans are already accustomed to being asked to cheer for a player who's assumed to have used performance enhancing drugs.
Reasons not to sign: If Bonds were to sign with the Rangers, it would mean that he wouldn't get the chance to face Rangers' pitching.
Verdict: To me, this move seems to make a lot of sense, which means there's no way Tom Hicks will ever do it.

Oakland A's
Reasons to sign: Right now, the A's have a triple A team playing in a crappy stadium, and there is no reason that anyone would want to watch them play. With Bonds, the A's could tap into his Bay Area fan base. In going from San Francisco to Oakland, Bonds would save a ton on shipping costs for his Barcalounger.
Reasons not to sign: Even with an incentive-laden contract, Bonds would still cost money, and the A's are loathe to spend more than minor league money. If attendance plummets further this season, the A's can always just tarp off another section of seats to give the appearance of a denser crowd.
Verdict: Even though Bonds excels in Beane's much coveted metric of on base percentage, the A's appear content to just enjoy profits through revenue sharing without worrying about such nonsense as fielding a winning team.

Japanese League
Reasons to sign: Already passed Hank Aaron, now it's time to go after Sadaharu Oh. Yen is performing well against the dollar of late. Japanese women are already used to seeing guys with tiny testicles.
Reasons not to sign: In Japan, when you ask for "the cream," they hand you a bukakke video. In the Japanese league, you actually have to hustle.
Verdict: Not as clazy as it sounds.

Tampa Bay Rays (nee Devil Rays)
Reasons to sign: For the Rays, it sure would be nice if fans came to a game other than when the Red Sox or Yankees were in town. Bonds could buy booze for all the kids on the roster. Florida has no income tax, meaning one fewer risk for investigation into tax evasion. Pedro Gomez already has a retirement home in Florida, so that works out nicely for him.
Reasons not to sign: If ESPN starts showing up to Tampa Bay games, someone might notice that in an effort to cut costs, the Rays have been dressing up little leaguers, throwing them out on the field, and paying them in jolly ranchers.
Verdict: What have they got to lose? It's not like either party had any dignity to begin with.

So I guess it comes down to Tampa Bay and Japan for Barry. Neither really qualifies as Major League Baseball and they both play in hideous domed stadiums. Both are known for having great strip clubs, but only in Japan can you get a girl dressed up like your favorite anime character. Advantage: Japan. Sayonara, Barry.

Labels: Cheaters, MLB., Roid Rumors

Where were my readers last night to warm me that a small Lakers lineup of Farmar, Fisher, and Kobe could take a 12 point deficit and turn it into a tie game in just a minute and a half? I've taken enough losses to know not to start counting my money before the final buzzer sounds, but that was brutal. A few more games like that and my kneecaps will look Adam Morrison's. Oh well, I won't focus on the things I don't have- like say, money- and instead concentrate on the things I do have- such as an extensive collection of Lucy Pinder pictures to refer to when With Leather is having trouble making an ID of a random bikini pic.

Elsewhere in the sports world, the baseball offseason is actually more interesting than the World Series was.

Padres CF Mike Cameron has been suspended for 25 games as the result of failing a second test for an illegal stimulant. He of course says that it must be the result of taking a tainted supplement. Why can't I ever get any roids or an extra jolt out of my Vitamin Water? And what is up with San Diego athletes and tainted supplements? Maybe they should stop buying their "supplements" at the pharmacias on Avenida Revolucion in Tijuana.

In a related story, Tony Gwynn says that his enormous weight gain is also the result of tainted supplements. He thought he was taking giant, chewable vitamins. It turns out that they were cheeseburgers.

In an interview with the Denver Post, Rockies owner Charlie Monfort claimed that his team was better than the Red Sox, insisting, "You give us 10 games against them, we'll beat them six." Damn. It's a shame that the WS isn't a best of 10 series, because the Rockies were just about to rip off six in a row. By the way, what would happen if a best of 10 series ended in a 5-5 tie? Maybe Selig would award the world championship to the team coming from the league that had the lowest pitch count in the All-Star game.

Monfort also thanked his players for their performance, saying "They've brought credibility back to the franchise, not that we ever lost it."

Other statements from Monfort may include:

"This Rockies team proved that God is alive and well, not that He ever really needed any proof."

"I'd like to thank Viagra for giving me a full, rigid erection, not that I ever needed Viagra in the first place."

While noone is confirming the NY Post story, it appears that Joe Torre is headed to Los Angeles to manage the Dodgers. Upon hearing the news, Dodgers reliever Scott Procter went ahead and called Dr. Frank Jobe to schedule his Tommy John surgery for July of 2008.

Overall, the role of the manager is probably overrated, but one thing Joe Torre has is experience in situations that the Dodgers need to be in. I'm not referring to managing in the World Series. I'm more interested in his ability to take a hitter who can't hit worth a lick and sit him on the bench for the majority of the season, despite the fact that the hitter is collecting a giant paycheck andis virtually untradeable. If Torre can do that with the slap-hitting, no-walking, noodle-armed Juan Pierre then maybe the Dodgers can go places, afterall.

Labels: MLB., Offseason Shenanigans, Roid Rumors

It's only July, but the Tigers just got themselves one step closer to the world series; and they did it by losing.

If the current standings hold to form, the Tigers and Angels would face each other in the first round of the playoffs (Red Sox vs Indians would be the other matchup.) Last weekend, the Detroit Tigers had a three game set with the Anaheim Angels. At the time, the Angels were reportedly considering various trade proposals with the Rangers that would land them Mark Teixeira. However during those negotiations, the Angels went on one of the most prolific offensive surges of their franchise's history, scoring 34 runs en route to a three game sweep of the Tigers. That production convinced Angels GM Bill Stoneman that his team's offense would be fine with the likes of Garret Anderson and Casey Kotchman protecting Vladimir Guerrero. The Angels bowed out of the race for Teixeira, who went to the Braves, and the Tigers now have a first round bye in the playoffs.

It's far-fetched to suggest that the Tigers willingly tanked the Angels series, but it is interesting to note that in the games immediately following the sweep, the Angels were shutout on four hits (Anderson and Kotchman a combined 0 for 8) by the Mariners and the Tigers gave a pitcher named Tata a win in his major league debut as Detroit beat the A's, 5-2.

That Jim Leyland is a wily old dog.

Labels: Conspiracy Theories, MLB.

Thanks to Our Book of Scrap (via Sports Unfiltered) for posting what is undoubtedly one of the top ten bat flips by a Taiwanese pitcher in the history of Major League Baseball. If you haven't seen it yet, make sure you catch it quickly before MLB has it removed as part of its ongoing policy of having all traces of anything that makes baseball seem even remotely enjoyable instantly removed from the information superhighway.



Also, it's good to know that if I'm ever visiting a Taiwanese whorehouse, "back to back to back" is the same in Chinese as it is in English.

Labels: Bud Selig is a Giant Ass, MLB., Videos

When the Chicago Cubs drafted Jeff Samardzija in the 5th round of the 2006 amateur player draft, they'd hoped they had found a pitcher who along with being a good prospect, was also a local boy with a built-in fan base. When the organization guaranteed him $10 million to stop playing football and concentrate solely on baseball, it was an indication that they were counting on Samardzija to be a quick developer who would help ease the pain from the eventual losses of Prior, Wood, and Zambrano. What they have at the moment is a giant bust, and one very expensive single-A middle reliever.

After going winless in 11 starts this season with a 5.75 ERA, the Daytona Cubs have moved the former Notre Dame two-sport star to the bullpen. This year, opposing batters have a .377 on base percentage against Samardzija. As another indicator that he just isnt' fooling anyone, he has only struck out 21 batters in 55 innings. Actually, I suppose he'd fit right in as part of the Cubs bullpen.

I don't know what the protocol is for communicating with players from rival schools, but it might be a good idea for Samardzija to get a hold of Drew Henson for some info on exploring a football career after flaming out in baseball.

Labels: Busts, MLB.

-"Dear ESPN Sports Gal,

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. If it's any consolation, lighting himself on fire is the way he always wanted to go. Like many others, I will choose to remember Bill for the times when he was actually funny. If you can find any consolation in the wake of these events, perhaps it is this: At least now, your daughter won't be forced to play in every single rec sports league because her father was disappointed that he didn't get a son.

Yup, I am his reader.

P.S. Would you happen to have an email address for any of the Page2 editors? I understand there's now an opening."

-While Celtics' fans might be upset about losing the opportunity to draft Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, not all is lost. There's still a chance that they could use the #5 pick on Spencer Hawes and give season ticket holders the young, white star they've been longing for. Maybe he can be the next Kevin McHale (the dominant big man version, not the franchise-killing front office guy).

-Immediately after the draft lottery, ESPN analyst Jon Barry said that Portland should trade away the most coveted #1 pick in years for veteran players because the Blazers do not need to get younger. Note to self: after building an empire with underground strip clubs and dog fights catering to athletes and then buying a NBA franchise with newfound fortune, do not hire Jon Barry as your GM.

-The Washington Redskins have issued a statement apologizing for the comments made by Clinton Portis which were dismissive of the allegations that Michael Vick is facing in connection with a dog fighting ring.

"The Washington Redskins, as an organization, obviously would never condone anything related to animal cruelty," the team's statement said.

I wonder how the organization would feel about endorsing anything related to genocide? Would the REDSKINS condone that?

-The Yankees are rushing Roger Clemens along and he may actually start for the Yankees next week against the Blue Jays. But after watching Mike Mussina pitch today, I think it's Roger Clemens' pharmacist that they really need the most.

-So, a few days after Jason Giambi says that baseball should apologize to the fans for its rampant use of steroids, it's somehow leaked to a NY Daily News reporter that Giambi failed an amphetamine test within the last year. Giambi should consider himself lucky. Bud Selig wanted to have the brake fluid drained from Giambi's car, but Donald Fehr was able negotiate a simple "uppers" violation.

-Giambi has said that whatever he did use, he didn't feel like it really helped him. He would have hit the homers anyway. So um...why did he keep taking it? Did he just like to start each day with a needle in the ass? That is like me saying that I'm pretty sure the women at the club would have slept with me anyway, but I just slipped the roofies in their drinks because I heard it was the thing to do.

-Speaking of ladies that I might need an added edge with, check out the Ultimate Fan Sweepstakes over at MLB.com. The grand prize is a set of tickets to two Dodgers home games with the opportunity to meet Alyssa Milano at one of the games. Ya know, maybe I'm selling myself short. She did date Carl Pavano afterall, so maybe she isn't the most discerning chick in town. That's my kind of girl.

Labels: MLB., Nightcap, Roid Rumors

Labels: MLB., Yankees