Change We Can Retreat In

I'm spending this week with my family in Washington DC, the city best known for being the home to 85% of all bloggers. Also, the President lives here or something.

Speaking of which, did you realize that Ralph Nader is running for President again in 2008? As part of his effort to stay current, he has incorporated the NBA officiating scandal into his campaign. In a recent post on his blog, Nader's people documented his pursuit of justice after the Kings/Lakers series in 2002:

Ralph Nader saw injustice and on June 4, 2002, Ralph wrote to NBA Commissioner David Stern asking for an investigation.

Ralph personally spoke with Stern.

But Stern stiffed Ralph.

No action was taken.

Wow - that's leadership! Just think how Nader's forceful presence would be felt in the White House:

-Nader confronts China and demands they improve human rights in mainland, Tibet, Taiwan and Darfur. Chinese leadership says no. Nader goes fishing.

-Nader demands transparency from Iran and North Korea with respect to their nuclear capabilities. They tell him to suck a Zionist dong. He does so.

-Nader suggests an environmentally-conscious pesticide for the white house rose garden. Gardeners refuse and lock him out of the white house. Nader lives in a tent.

Nice campaign strategy. It's hard to say which is more impotent: Nader's move for Presidency or the Lakers end-game techniques.

My Lakers Pep Talk

Two years ago, the Miami Heat was down 2-0 to the Dallas Mavericks and everyone was ready for David Stern to coronate Mark Cuban's team as champions. Then out of nowhere, the Heat managed to win four games in a row and took home the title. How did they accomplish this feat?

Dwyane Wade took a dive.

That's exactly what Kobe Bryant needs to do tonight. Drive to the hoop, but instead of exploding towards the basket, stumble towards the floor, flip the ball up, and force the refs to blow the whistle. Here's a textbook example of the kind of move the Lakers need from Kobe:




At the very least, throw an elbow into a guy and then run off in the opposite direction:


You can't win the big game without flopping. Just ask Brent Barry.

Paul Pierce Has Miraculous Regenerative Powers. Or He's Just A Wuss.

Game 1 of the NBA Finals has been in the books for a few hours now, but after one game, there are more questions than answers. Here are just a few of the mysteries yet to be solved:

What exactly was Paul Pierce's injury? Was he out with a sprained labia?
Look, I have no doubt that if you feel something twist that it could very well be a moment of trepidation. To have a flash where you think you might be out for the entire Finals is no doubt a scary thing. But if you're going to scream like Shaun Livingston, are held in your trainer's arms, carried off the court by teammates, and taken to the locker room in a freakin' wheelchair, then you damn sure better not be able to jog back onto the court five minutes later. For the integrity of the series, I'm glad he wasn't actually injured, but that was ridiculous. I'm starting to wonder if back in 2000, Paul Pierce wasn't really stabbed at all, but rather just suffered a paper cut in a freak scrapbooking incident.

Who thought it was a good idea to put a couple of 50 year old men in basketball jerseys?
Did you see the "There Can Only Be One" commerical featuring Magic Johnson and Larry Bird? That was some scary stuff. As the cameras zoomed in on their bloated faces, I started wondering if the video was like The Ring and I was going to be dead within a day. At this point, I think I'd rather see a split screen commercial with an exhumed Red Auerbach and Chick Hearn than to see the Magic/Larry hybrid again.

Is Mike Breen a member of a Boston Fight Club?
I don't really listen to an announcer's preamble to a game anyway, but last night it was impossible to focus on anything other than Breen's bandage above his eye and slight bruises on his face. Either he was busy teaching someone that he was not a beautiful and unique snowflake, or else Breen made the mistake of walking into a Boston bar and making an implication that maybe Larry Bird wasn't the greatest basketball player to ever live.

What is the bedtime for Eddie House's son?
9:07 pm local tip time, and the kid was still on the bench for the game? And why is that it's Eddie House of all people that is permitted to have his son with him on the bench? This has to be nipped in the bud. It's great to support families and all, but if the NBA decides to allow all players to have their kids with them court side, the benches are going to look more crowded than a bus in India.

Did I really see a "whiteout" amongst the fans of TD Banknorth?
The days of it being cool for an entire fanbase to show up in identical shirts are over. You don't look like united fans- you look like mindless cult members (is there a difference?). For a group that prides themselves on tradition, there sure were a lot of fans wearing promotional white tshirts in the crowd. Maybe the fans were so disappointed that none of their players were white that they decided to take it upon themselves to create an atmosphere they're more comfortable in?

Does anyone play a better game of opossum than Kobe Bryant?
Oh wait, he was actually dead. Looking at various Lakers message boards, the theme went something like this: "We're hanging in there, and Kobe still hasn't come alive yet...time for Kobe to get it going....it's Kobe time....Kobe will light it up in the 4th....time for Kobe to heat up. Sh*t."
I don't know what the deal is, but Kobe has struggled in Boston lately. Maybe it's that the Celtics play extraordinary defense, or maybe it's because it's hard for Kobe to find a hot teenage girl in Boston. Perhaps he can bang a Boston Cheerleader (four of whom are former USC dancers) over the next few nights so he can bounce back in Game 2.

There's so much drama and intrigue that I can't wait for the next game to be played- in about a week or so. These Finals are going to be over before NFL training camp begins, right?

Pau Gasol Channels His Inner Yogi Berra

After much anticipation, the Celtics/Lakers NBA Finals has finally arrived. For what it's worth, my bet is on the Celtics in six. Unfortunately, I placed that wager prior to hearing Pau Gasol break down what goes into winning a championship:

(Update: Now edited to include wacky, cartoon audio!)




Am I going crazy, or did that actually make sense? Actually, I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.

Sorry If I Won't Drink The ESPN Kool-Aid

I know bloggers have a reputation for always being negative, but I have to ask the question anyway- how are people possibly calling yesterday's Cavs v Celtics game one of the greatest game 7s of all time, including references to the Bird/'Nique game of 1988? Sure, Lebron and Pierce had a nice duel in the 4th quarter that kept things interesting. But from my perspective, it seemed like one team was in control the entire game, with the trailing team making one last desperate rally at the end. In other words, it was like just about every other NBA game you'll watch. If that Celtics game was great, then you've got to put Game 6 of the Jazz/Lakers series in the time capsule too, as Utah had a chance to tie at the end.

It looks like The Oracle called it in the live blog/chat yesterday. This game was similar to this year's Super Bowl. Pretty boring first half, but as long as there was a compelling finish, it would be called one of the greatest of all time. Granted the stakes weren't quite the same, but the reaction is similar.

Speaking of the live blog, we'll give it another shot tonight. Feel free to stop on by and leave a "Woooooooo" or two.

We Are All Witnesses To The Boston Three Party Where Win Or Go Home Happens. Or Something.

This is the spot for my live blog. The opening spot for my live blog.
This is the box that you'll watch, while you read my ramblings.
We're almost to the part where I start my typing,
Then we'll watch "Insomniac's Lounge Live Blog."

That was the spot for Insomniac's Lounge Live Blog

The Only Thing Less Exciting Than Eastern Conference Basketball Is Liveblogging It

Game 7 of the Cavs/Celtics series starts in about nine hours. Assuming I'm awake, I'll be live-blogging the event along with NBA expert "The Oracle." I'd like to pretend that I'm doing this as a sign of my recommitment to the site. But in actuality, it was 105 degrees yesterday and should be around the same Sunday, so there's no way that I'm leaving my air conditioned home before sunset anyway.

If you're in a similar homebound predicament, feel free to tune in. Oops, I think I might have just infringed on the WNBA's marketing campaign for this season.

(photo via Flickr)

Win A Chance To Do It Big With Joakim Noah. All Day. All Night.

You might not know what he's talkin' about. Starwood might not know what he's talkin' about. But his boys...his boys know.

Those who stay in Westins or Sheratons for business travel, vacations, or illicit affairs (tho if you're in the last category, you're overpaying. Motel 6 works fine for that) are given an opportunity to use their accumulated travel points to bid on "once in a lifetime" events. One of the items up for bid is a private basketball clinic with Joakim Noah. Starwood has the details:

Jump for a rare chance to shoot hoops with Chicago superstar Joakim Noah. Better bring your game, because you and nine friends could hit the court with Joakim for a private basketball clinic. Then put your knowledge and skills to the test with a shoot-around or pickup game following the clinic. We suggest you pick #13 for your team first.

This event would be better if one of your nine friends happened to be Ben Wallace and you got to watch them settle the score with each other. But even if Big Ben isn't your best bud, it's still not a bad prize. Not only do you learn a little bit about basketball, like "it's a lot easier to win when you've got Al Horford in the low block with you," but much like a clinic with coach K, you're not just learning about basketball. You're learning about life. During a day with Joakim you'll be given so much more. Hopefully, it isn't herpes. But perhaps, dancing lessons?



Then if things are really going well, sometime during the game, Joakim might be willing to give you a piggyback ride:



And hey, maybe during the clinic, you can teach Noah how to hit a jumper outside of 12 feet. Accomplish that miraculous feat, and you just might walk out of the clinic as the new head coach of the Chicago Bulls.

Kobe's Moved From Rapin' To Heart Stabbin'

When Stu Lantz first started working as a television commentator for the Los Angeles Lakers in 1987, he was working alongside the loquacious Chick Hearn, and as such, he rarely actually spoke. Since Hearn's passing in 2002, Stu Lantz has become more and more vocal as his new partner, Joel Meyers, isn't quite the presence that Hearn was. Usually, Lantz's style is to describe a replay in the "voice" of the person being highlighted. (Example: "Fisher says, 'I'm gonna drop the ball off to Pau.' And then Pau says, 'Thanks Fish, I'll take it from here.' And he slams it home.") However during the deciding moments of last night's Lakers/Blazers game, Stu tried to mix in an analogy. It starts off fine, but then it all goes awry as he tries to stretch the metaphor:





For those who have YouTube blocked at work, here is a transcript:

See, that's one thing I like about that #24: When he gets you on life support, he won't give you mouth-to-mouth. He pulls the plug. A lot of guys get you on mouth to mouth- I mean on life support- they wanna hug and kiss and..revive ya. Kobe says, "Not havin' it. I get ya there, I'm stabbin' ya in the heart."

As tortured as the analogy seems, Stu has been covering the Lakers for over 20 years; so I suppose he must know what he's talking about. A cursory look through the history books provides a few examples to support his claim.

Game 7, 2000 Western Conference Finals. The Portland Trailblazers have a 75-60 lead in the fourth quarter of a game they've been dominating. Seeing that the Lakers are on life support, Rasheed Wallace inexplicably goes to the Lakers bench to tell Rick Fox that he wants to kiss him. (Perhaps not that inexplicable if you've seen Fox's eyes.) This leaves Arvydas Sabonis one-on-one with Shaquille O'Neal, who proceeds to score nine 4th quarter points and ignite the Lakers to the biggest comeback in game 7 history.

Game 4, 2002 Western Conference Finals. Just seconds away from a commanding 3-1 series advantage, the Sacramento Kings needed only to secure a rebound to be well on their way to the NBA Finals. Seeing just a few ticks left on the clock, Vlade Divac decides to reach out an arm to hug Shaquille O'Neal, leaving him with just one arm available to get the ball. Vlade is forced to slap the ball to the three point line towards a wide open Robert Horry, who proceeds to make history.

2002 NBA Finals. Kobe Bryant stabs Jason Kidd in heart (video unavailable).

My apologies, Stu. I guess a lot of guys do lack Kobe's instinct afterall. Still, I have to hope that Mr. Lantz never finds me unconscious, as I am uncertain of his revival methods. Also, what was wrong with just stopping at pulling the plug once someone's on life support? Why we gotta get all stabby-stab with the thing? Stabbing people on life support- even Quintin Tarantino thinks that's messed up. But at least the Lakers broadcast finally has a new catchphrase to replace Chick's "This game's in the refrigerator." Now once the Lakers have an insurmountable lead, Stu can proclaim, "Time to stab grammy in the heart. This thing is over."

There Aren't Many DaeQuan Cook Fans in Miami

While the Miami Heat have failed to be entertaining or competitive, they've at least been educational. Today's lesson from the NBA's worst is in economics- specifically, Supply and Demand. Now that Dwyane Wade has been shut down for the season, there's really no reason to watch the Miami Heat play (other than their dancers) and prices are plummeting. Check out some of these listings on Ebay:

4 tickets in the 3rd level, center court, minimum bid $10. No takers.
2 tickets in the lower level, baseline, minimum bid. $25. Pass
4 tickets, 3rd level vs the mighty Knicks. High bid $2.25

Unless there are seats that include lapdances from Heat Dancers or Smush Parker, it's going to be an even emptier arena than usual in Miami this March.

On the bright side for Miami sports fans (does such a species still exist?), at least the failure of the Heat gives you an opportunity to save up for Marlins tickets this spring. So, that should be nice.


Btw, I've been having trouble uploading pics to my server via blogger lately. Tragic, I know.
Update, 9:45 pm: problem has been fixed.

Reggie Miller Is All About Releasing on the Titty

I've got to hand it to NBA analysts- it seems like every game, I learn something new from them. Hubie Brown breaks down the Xs and Os of the game. Bill Walton teaches the viewer about world history and ancient civilizations. Tonight (after rewinding a few times to confirm that I actually heard what I thought I heard), I discovered during the 3-point contest that Reggie Miller's expertise is in dissecting the anatomy of the basketball court:



I've played a few pickup games in my life, and I'm pretty sure that this isn't really a term used on the playground- so where did Reggie learn it? My guess is that when Reggie Miller was younger, it was his sister Cheryl that taught him how to shoot three pointers. At the time, a young Reggie wasn't yet strong enough to release the ball from over his head, and so Cheryl instructed him to "shoot from the titty," and they just happened to be standing down by the baseline at the time.

But if Reggie's right, then I assume that it would follow that: getting trapped in the corner would be known as "squeezing the titty;" missing a potential game-winning shot from that spot would be "tough titties;" and of course a shot from the baseline which rattles around before going in must be known simply as a "motorboat."

The NBA...Where "Titty" Happens.

Is It Too Late to Teach Shaq the Sky Hook?

The overall reaction to the pending trade which would send Shaquille O'Neal to the Phoenix Suns has been one of bewilderment. The 35 year-old O'Neal would not seem to fit in with the running, quick-strike approach of the Suns offense. However, history has shown that such a combination can still lead to championships. Here are how Shaquille O'Neal's numbers this season (all career lows) compare to another former dominant center as he was approaching the end of his career on an up-tempo team:

Shaquille O'Neal, (age 35):
28.6 mins, 14.2 pts, 7.8 rebounds, 58.1% FG, 1.66 blocks

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (1987-88, age 40):
28.9 mins, 14.6 pts, 6.0 rebounds, 53.2% FG, 1.15 blocks

The Lakers won their third championship in four years that season.

During the end of the Jabbar era, the Lakers would always look to run the fast break first, and only when an opportunity didn't materialize would Jabbar make his way down the court for the offensive set. Now maybe Steve Nash isn't Magic Johnson, but I could see the Suns functioning in the same way, with Diaw, Bell, and Stoudemire running on the break ahead of Nash- and Shaq jogging out to midcourt to see what develops.

Now just give Barbosa some really high socks and Sean Marks some taped up, black-rimmed glasses and the title is theirs.

Besides, there are plenty of reasons to think that Shaq will be able to turn up his game for one more run once he actually takes the court.

-He doesn't usually start playing hard until March, anyway.

-This will give Shaq one more opportunity to screw over the Lakers.

-Phoenix is one of the porn capitals of the United States, and nothing energizes Shaq like shutting down pornographers (or bashing down the doors of innocent citizens..same difference.)

-He'll be 2,300 miles away from his estranged wife, with whom he's going through divorce proceedings. If that doesn't make you feel like a new man, nothing will.

NBA GMs Make It Rain When the Free Agent Dance Begins

It's been a busy week in the NBA. Here's a quick recap of some of the bigger deals that went down recently:

Orlando signs Rashard Lewis to max deal (roughly 5 yr, $75 mil.)

Positives: In the diluted East, Rashard Lewis and Dwight Howard become a diluted version of Kobe and Shaq. This deal likely will prohibit Orlando from re-signing Darko Milicic, which I view as a net positive. The Orlando fan base just finished the Grant Hill experience, so they're well accustomed to their team being saddled with overblown onerous contracts.

Negatives: Rashard Lewis isn't much better than Gerald Wallace, who could have been had for less money. Lewis never emerged as a leader in Seattle, so it's difficult to imagine him elevating his game in Orlando. Once Howard signs his 5 year, $80 million-ish deal, that's going to be a good chunk of Orlando's cap space eaten up by two players for the next five years, making it difficult to add any complementary veterans.

Boston trades #5 pick to Seattle for Ray Allen

Negatives: He's about to turn 32, has only a few years remaning in his prime, and will be playing for a team that already has an outside shooter in Paul Pierce. Boston probably should have concentrated on youth and building through the draft, but instead wanted to appease one veteran by signing another.

Positives: Boston fans can take consolation in the topless pics (nsfw) of Rebecca Gayheart that surfaced recently. Like Ray Allen, the ideal time to have Gayheart would have been 10+ years ago in her Noxzema days, but Gayheart shows that just because you're in your 30s and can't drive doesn't mean you've lost all of your game.


Seattle hires former Spurs' employees Sam Presti and PJ Carlisimo to be their braintrust

Positive: If you're going to pick a team to emulate, the Spurs are the best candidate out there.

Negatives: Putting Nick Collison at the 4/5 slot and calling yourself "Spurs Northwest" is like putting red bathing suits on the cast of The View and calling yourself Baywatch A.M.

Toronto Raptors sign Jason Kapono to 4 year, $24 million deal.

Positives: Toronto desperately needed some reliable outside shooting to complement Chris Bosh's inside game. 51% from three point land is certainly reliable. With the experience of having played four years under Steve Lavin, Kapono should have no problem adjusting to Sam Mitchell's tendency to struggle in playoff games.

Negatives: Potential family issues could arise. Judging by these pictures of her (the one w/ curly hair and Kapono forehead) recently posted to a message board, Kapono's sister Jillian is going to be pissed that visiting her brother now means a trip to Toronto rather than the clubbing mecca that is Miami. (note: I can't confirm that the first picture is her, however it was found in the same set.)

At Least We Got a Peak at Ashley's Judds

Hope you all had a nice weekend. If you actually went on vacation and were away from a tv, you didn't miss much in the sports world. If you want proof of just how slow it was, head over to the AOL FanHouse and you'll find that they were only able to come up with 50-100 filler articles over the three days, which is seemingly a tenth of their normal productivity. Seriously, not one article about a B list athlete's mundane holiday activities? (suggested story: "Jeff Garcia Likes Bratwurst On His Grill"). C'mon guys, step it up! (I kid, I kid.)

A few other reflections from the past couple days:

Manu Ginobili has turned flopping into an artform, much in the same way that a guy spreading his feces on a canvas has turned that into an artform. It was however poetic justice that Derek Fisher was the player victimized by Ginobili's antics since Fisher was the original small man to incorporate flopping as a legitimate defensive strategy.

While the Euros get most of the heat for all of the rampant flopping, I also put some of the blame on the NBA refs. There was a time in basketball where you would always hear an announcer say that the block vs charge foul was the most difficult call for a ref to make. Somewhere along the way, officials just decided "Screw it, it's too tough. Let's just call them all charges." While this Western Conference Final might not be very good immediate entertainment, hopefully it will be good for the long term health of the league, as these teams are forcing the NBA to find ways in the offseason to curb all of the flopping.

While you'd never know it by looking at his face, which looks like Droopy Dog in the episode where his mom had to be put down, Jeff Van Gundy has to be loving his gig as a commentator for ABC. He finally gets to criticize the officials all he wants, and rather than being fined 100 grand, he's collecting a check from ABC. Eat that, David Stern.

If the NBA wants to improve its ratings during what remains in the playoffs, might I suggest that the quasi-burlesque Pussycat Dolls actually remove some clothing during the commercial cutaways? Don't get me wrong, I like the "leaning over, pushing the boobs up beyond the neckline of the jersey tank" move they go with now. It's a timeless classic. But maybe to mix things up a bit, they could start out in warmups, then strip down to jerseys before halftime, and then either a tube top or an NBA Authentic bikini top for the 4th quarter . And if the game goes into overtime? Then, I guess they just hold two basketballs in front of their chest.

Switching over to baseball, since the 2003 season, MLB and ESPN have made the Red Sox-Yankees rivarly the preeminent storyline in the league. Now that the Yankees are quickly becoming irrelevant this season, does that mean that MLB is becoming irrelevant as well, or only ESPN's coverage of the league? More likely, ESPN will drag out the Yankees coverage for at least a few more weeks until Clemens gets a few starts, but after that, they'll need to shift gears and act like they've been following guys like Travis Hafner, Adrian Gonzalez, and JJ Hardy all season long. (In case you only get your MLB coverage from ESPN, those players are on the Indians, Padres, and Brewers respectively.)

Finally, while I missed the live coverage of the Indy 500, I did catch some of the photos from the event; and Ashley Judd can stand braless in the rain all she wants. It's hard for me to believe that she's already pushing 40. Some might say that she's getting too old to play the role of rabid fan. But if she doesn't have to grow up, then neither do I. And if she doesn't mind me enlarging these pics (click for larger version) to steal a glance at her nipples, then I don't mind that either, dammit!

Nellie Gives Cuban a Golden Shower

There was a magical performance in California Thursday. A true thing of beauty. It was a vision that even the most loyal fans wouldn't allow themselves to dream because they knew there was no chance of it ever becoming reality. And yet somehow it did.

Stacy Keibler squeezed into a sports bra and participated in a beach volleyball tournament.

Keibler, having parlayed her Dancing With the Stars appearance into a career as a movie premiere attendee, has taken on a new challenge. Luckily for us, it involves wearing minimal clothing, body contortions, and lots of sweating. Keibler chose the Huntington Beach stop on the AVP tour to make her debut. Unfortunately, her underhand serve and limited spiking ability led to a 21-7, 21-11 defeat for her and her partner, Jessie Cooper. The score was respectable enough that Ms. Keibler should be encouraged to continue to pursue this quest. Hopefully, she'll give it another run in two weeks when the AVP goes to Hermosa Beach. I'm sure I could free up some time Thursday to help her with her serve and Brazilian ass slapping technique.


...

Oh yeah, there was also a basketball game in California. I almost forgot about that. A few thoughts...

It sure was considerate of Dallas to just quit at the start of the 4th quarter so that basketball fans on the east coast could get some sleep. It was the most anticipated game of the playoffs so far, and tipoff was scheduled for after 10pm est. It's like David Stern called in sick on the day the playoff schedule was set and he asked Bud Selig to fill in for him. On the plus side, it was fun to see Charles Barkley falling asleep on live tv.

After watching Steven Jackson torch the Mavericks, will the other GMs in this copycat league decide that a crazy person is an essential element for a playoff team? Qyntel Woods, Ron Artest, Ricky Davis, and Latrell Sprewell might want to stay by their phone just in case.

Does anyone know what Mark Cuban said to the TNT cameras immediately after the game? I've rewound it on my TIVO a few dozen times and I still can't figure it out.

Congrats, Warriors fans. You've now got the reputation as the best crowd in the NBA, and you've earned it. But for round 2, can you please lose the thundersticks? You're loud enough on your own- you don't need the gimmick. Just remember what you thought about Sacramento fans and their damn cowbells and leave the inflatables at home.

Speaking of the fans, I know she doesn't have the instant notoriety of the F*ck Da Eagles chick in New Orleans, but could someone with Maxim find the identity of the blonde standing courtside in the blue tank top with the F*ck Me eyes and get her a pictorial pronto?

So how does Game 6 affect Baron Davis' reputation as being injury prone? Yes, he left the game early with a hamstring pull, but he also came back with a gritty, game-deciding performance. As one reader emailed me during the game: the announcers wanted to compare this to Willis Reed. But this wasn't Willis Reed. This was Kirk Gibson.

This may be one of the great upsets in NBA history, but Warriors coach Don Nelson is taking everything in stride. In fact, he's spending this victorious night in the same way he spends every other night. By drinking a fifth of gin and then passing out on top of a prostitute who may or may not be a she-male.

Believe It or Not, I'm Walkin' On Air

Ok, it isn't the the worst thing that's happened in trampoline basketball, but it's amusing nonetheless.

Trampoline dunking during halftime had kind of become like the dunk contest during the all-star break. It was novel at first, but now it feels like we've seen it all. But just like we'd never seen someone kiss the rim before, we've also never seen an exhibition trampoline dunk attempt quite like this:



Maybe that guy shouldn't have picked a playoff basketball game as his first time to attempt dunking...or jumping, or anything that involves remaining upright.

Personally, I prefer my trampoline dunks to be a little bit like this, but with less clothing and more oil.

Gettin' the Skinny on the NBA Playoffs

Maybe it was because I didn't do much sports betting this year (thanks, Feds!), but this NBA season seemed especially dull to me. While I caught pieces of plenty of games, I don't think I was able to watch a single game in its entirety this year, which probably gives me a lot in common with most sports fans. But now the playoffs are starting, so I'll begin to pay closer attention. I asked loyal reader JSon to get me up to speed with the season and provide me with some predictions. Of course, just because I'm woefully uninformed this year doesn't mean that I can't give my own opinions as well. Here's what JSon had to say, along with a few responses of my own in italics:

Round One

Detroit over Orlando (4-1) It would be 4-2 if Darko's ankle lets him play the whole series.
Sorry, but Grant Hill insists that if anyone's ankles be blamed for the Magic's woes, it be his.

Chicago over Miami (4-2) Am I the only one seeing Nocioni body slam Wade onto his shoulder in game one? The only thing more predictable is Bill Simmons making a Cobra Kai reference involving "sweep the shoulder".
That's a safe bet. Unless there's an 80's Celtics analogy to be made that trumps it.

Cleveland over Washington (4-1). (No comment)
No Agent Zero means Zero interest in this series. (I probably should have stuck w/ no comment.)

New Jersey over Toronto (4-2). Vince Carter is pumped up about this one. The homecoming will give him some motivation and team experience will carry the Nets over the Raptors. Pop quiz: how many Raptors have playoff experience?
Vince Carter can get pumped up about a basketball game? I had no idea. As for the pop quiz...Mo Pete is still on the team, right? I think he used to be good.

Dallas over Golden St. (4-3) A battle of homecourt advantage and biased officiating. It'll be weird to see a Cuban team get legacy calls from refs.
This is the only series in which the Dallas defense will have the edge. I'll be rooting for Baron Davis and Matt Barnes, but I see Dallas taking this in four or five.

San Antonio over Denver (4-2) I want to say Camby's D reduces Duncan's impact and that Iverson will switch over to guard Parker while Melo takes Manu out with some physical play. But I have a feeling it will be Blake letting Parker race by while JR Smith tries to learn D for the first time and Bowen does his thing to rattle Melo. It would be a close series if Karl weren't so easily outcoached.
I'm pretty sure the players stopped listening to Karl months ago, so coaching may not be as big of a factor.

Phoenix over LA (4-1) Lakers have last year's series to buoy their confidence, but Odom will have to come up huge to replicate that series. Lakers are just playing ugly ball right now - can you turn it around in a weekend?
Giving the Lakers one game here is generous.

Houston over Utah (4-3) Might be the closest series of the first round. Ultimately it comes down to the disparities at the 2 and on the boards. Utah isn't a good enough rebounding team to make up for the Fisher/McGrady matchup.
If Derek Fisher is really guarding McGrady in this series, then the only hope Utah has is for T-Mac to get one of his trademark back spasms this week.

Round Two

Detroit over Chicago (4-3) I used to think that whoever wins the Miami-Chicago series would win the East, but Ben Wallace has disappeared against the Pistons before and the Bulls still have no answer at the 4. Best hope for the Bulls is quick hands down low to rattle Webber's passing game. Bulls have patterned their roster after the Pistons (Hinrich-Billups, Gordon-Rip, Sefalosha-Prince, Thomas-Sheed then they buy Big Ben) but I don't think the junior squad can get it done against the varsity. Miami would have beaten them, though.
The Bulls were my opening day pick to win the East. I'll stick with them because I'm stubborn and a fool. And really, anytime you can bet against C-Webb in the playoffs, you have to go for it.

Cavs over Nets (4-2). Vince probably shoots his wad in round one and their size down low wins it for Cleveland.
(What would Rod Benson say about this?)

Mavs over Rockets (4-1) Van Gundy's high screen and roll usually nullifies Yao's advantage down low. Unless he revamps the offense quick (feed post, look weak-side cut, otherwise Yao shoot or kick, swing & reset balanced with T-Mac one-on-one weakside on the overload) Mavs whoop em. I do hope the microphones pick up on Mutumbo and Diop trashtalking.
I like the Mutumbo/Diop dialogue, but another subplot is who will collect more in fines this series- Mark Cuban or Jeff Van Gundy?

Phoenix (4-3) over San Antonio. Amare has used Duncan in the low block before. Barbosa-Parker should be interesting, although the speed matchup really only matches up vertically, not laterally. Parker still has the edge in a half court set. The strength of this matchup may let Nash rest a bit, especially if Banks (good defender) gets some burn.
This is the series where people realize that Bruce Bowen is no longer the shutdown defender he's reputed to be.

Conference Finals

Detroit over Cavs (4-2). God, what a boring conference final. It was only close last year because the Cavs all rallied around Hughes and played with an emotional intensity outside of their normal character. Now that it's back to X's and O's, Cavs don't have a chance.
I've got Chicago here, but whichever team faces the Cavs should have an easy path to the Finals.

Phoenix over Mavs (4-3). Look at the Mavs roster and eliminate all players that have no business playing up tempo ball. That leaves Harris, Howard maybe Dirk. Terry and George lack the creativity to drive with the ball and Stack lacks the wind. Mavs D is not as good as people give them credit for (they went from embarrassing to average, but still have no stoppers) which means Suns will be able to play their game, calls notwithstanding. If Nash is rested, this is the Suns to lose.
This will be the best series of the playoffs, which probably means that San Antonio will screw it all up in the previous round by beating Phoenix. Either way, I think Dallas is on a mission and will find a way to win this in 7.

Finals

Phoenix over Detroit (4-3). Detroit doesn't force enough turnovers anymore to balance their plodding offence. They need to shoot a ridiculously high percentage to offset fewer possessions and are relying on Chris Webber to come up big in the clutch. Chris Webber. Not good for them.

So the Suns win the championship, might get the Hawks pick at four, which they package with their two other first rounders & Diaw to get Durant. That team could be good for awhile.
I'll go with Dallas over Chicago in six. Mark Cuban will have the biggest sh*t eating grin when David Stern has to hand him the championship trophy. As an added bonus, this win will give him credibility amongst MLB owners and he'll be allowed to buy the Cubs at a time when the NL Central is ready for a changing of the guard. As for JSon's draft prediction- any GM that surrenders the rights to Kevin Durant in a deal should be fired on the spot.

Ok, after all that, I've almost generated enough interest in the playoffs that I might watch the actual games. Almost. I think I need to find a bookie to seal the deal.

David Stern With a Racist Freudian Slip?

Earlier today on espn.com, NBA commissioner David Stern hosted a brief chat (insider only) in the SportsNation. The initial portion of the chat dealt with the fallout from the Joey Crawford suspension. However Stern being the evil genius that he is, it quickly morphed into a NBA public relations session. At one point, someone from the NBA offices posed as Nathan from Milwaukee and gave David Stern this softball question:

Nathan: Milwaukee, WI: What do you feel is your biggest accomplishment since becoming commissioner in 1984?

SportsNation David Stern: I think in conjunction with our players and owners we have grown the sport to a place where people thought it couldn't get. Particularly, because, as observed in the 80s comment, it has become a predominately African-American sport (emphasis mine). But we showed in the context of sport it is about the competition and not the skin color. That makes me proud and happy for the NBA.

Ok, seems innocuous enough. Obviously, Stern is just trying to piggy-back off of the recent Jackie Robinson storyline in baseball. However upon reviewing the previous questions, here is the only "80s comment" that Stern could possibly be referring to, which was asked three questions prior to the "biggest accomplishment" inquiry:

Steven (NYC): Mr. Stern, what do you think of Roger Goodell's stance on the NFL's off-field issues? It reminds me a lot of the NBA's crackdown of drugs in the '80s

SportsNation David Stern: This is a subject we all constantly look at. We have been dealing with players who have been convicted or pled with convictions and the like. I hope the NFL system is successful for them.

So someone mentions the drug problem in the NBA in the 80s, and Stern associates it with the abundance of African-American players in the league. Yikes. Stern already has a well documented agenda of removing the "thug" image from the league, but it was usually rationalized that the commissioner was capitulating to corporate interests, and - as Billy Hunter put it - "to make the game and players more appealing to the red states." However, this little slip indicates that Stern may be a bit more motivated by his own preconceived notions of black culture than was originally suspected.

Who's Got Next?

If you ever wanted to play pro basketball, now would be a good time to send a few select GMs and coaches your game tapes. With the season nearing a close, teams are fighting for lottery ping pong balls, and the last thing they want to do is risk winning a few games by playing their starters. In Boston, Doc Rivers left his starters on the bench and watched as his second string players blew a 17 point, 2nd half lead to Charlotte. In Milwaukee, Andrew Bogut and Charlie Villanueva both have nagging injuries which they could play through if the team were in contention for the playoffs. However since the only thing they're contending for is Kevin Durant, the Bucks have decided to shelve both players for the remainder of the season.

Boston and Milwaukee play each other twice in April, and losing those games could have a major impact on the future of their franchise. There's no way that a coach wants to risk giving minutes to any players that could actually score a few points. So here's a golden opportunity for any intramural or rec league player that's ever dreamed of undressing in a NBA locker room. Just show up to a practice and see if you can get a 10 day contract. Heck, if David Noel and Brian Scalabrine can get double digit minutes, then why not you?

Some Quick Housekeeping in the Lounge

I have a busy day ahead of me, so this will have to be a short entry this morning. Either "I'm sorry" or "You're welcome." I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

The Bears finally came to an agreement with Lovie Smith, signing him to a 4 year, $22 million contract extension, which is quite a healthy raise from the $1.45 million he was due to make next year. To try to get a grasp on just how much money that is- if you were to take one season's credit card statements for every NFL team physician and add up the charges for HGH, your total would roughly be the equivalent of what Lovie Smith will make next season.

One of the names to have surfaced in this latest drug sting is that of the former heavyweight champion, Evander Holyfield. According to documents obtained by SI, Holyfield was allegedly using the pseudonym Evan Fields to obtain either steroids, HGH, or both. When asked about the name Evan Fields, Holyfield said, "I have no idea who that is." Of course, he also had the same response when asked about his sons, his dogs, or the image presented to him in a mirror.

Trade rumor that's too good to be true: The Titans are desperate to get rid of Pacman Jones. The Raiders are desperate to get rid of Randy Moss. Could the two teams be working out a deal to exchange disorderly players? One thing that could help facilitate the deal is that both players share the same drug dealer.

Could one devastating on court injury open the door for playing time for a former player who had a devastating off court injury? The Los Angeles Clippers are in need of a backup point guard since Shaun Livingston tore every piece of fiber in his knee Tuesday night. The Clippers might take a look at former Duke guard Jay Williams, whose NBA career came to an end years ago after a brutal car accident. So it would be, Livingston out and Williams in. That's just a rumor I heard. I don't know if it has any legs.

Tyrus Thomas is Dunking for Dollars

I guess when Tyrus Thomas spent his one year at LSU, he had time for an economics class, but never bothered showing up for public relations or communications. When it comes to the all-star game, the NBA might care, but Tyrus Thomas just has his mind on one thing...getting paid:

Perhaps Tyrus Thomas will display more energy and enthusiasm during the slam-dunk contest than he did Monday in discussing his participation.

Asked if he were excited about becoming the first Bull since Scottie Pippen
in 1990 to participate in the event as part of All-Star weekend, Thomas
barely looked up from untying his shoes.

"Not really," Thomas said. "I'm just going to go out there, get my check and
call it a day."

Asked if an opportunity to rub elbows with some of the game's greats could
be beneficial for a rookie, Thomas kept unlacing.

"I'm just into the free money," he said. "That's it. I'll just do whatever
when I get out there."

Thomas makes $3.26 million.

The winner gets $35,000. The runner-up receives $22,500. Third and fourth place are worth $16,125.

It might be a good idea for David Stern to put an arm around Tyrus Thomas and explain to the rookie that the All-Star events are supposed to be for the fans- the same fans that pay his salary. So it might behoove him to slap a smile on his face for a day or two and pretend that he gives a damn.

So far this season, Thomas is averaging 3.5 points per game and 2.7 rebounds. It seems like getting free money is his specialty.