Bud Selig Rubs Alex Rodriguez' Nose In The Carpet And Puts Him Outside

Thursday, Commissioner Bud Selig momentarily contemplated suspending Alex Rodriguez until he realized that the players union would likely sue the league and illuminate its complicity in their players' illicit activity. Once that became clear, Selig instead opted to expand on MLB's response to the revelation that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids from its original, "Nobody was supposed to find out about that" to a new statement expressing regret, anger, and disappointment.

Of course, it should be remembered that Selig is a former used car salesman, and so anything he says is laden with deceit and half-truths. And so it's important to look at his statement, quasi-FJM style (Ed. note- oh how I miss you Ken Tremendous), and look at what Selig says versus what he actually means.

"What Alex did was wrong"
You should never own up to steroid use unless it's before a special session of Congress. And even then you can flatly deny it and make money while waiting on perjury charges....didn't he get my memo? Plus he got caught after I told him we'd be testing. Has he never heard of a Whizzinator? Getting caught like that was just wrong.

"and he will have to live with the damage he has done to his name"
I'm not even sure why put his name on the form to begin with. I instructed everyone to tell testers their name was "Barry Lamar Bonds."

"and reputation."
All these years that he's taken to build his reputation of being one of the great choke artists of all time has now been overshadowed by the stain of steroid use. It's a shame, honestly.

"While Alex deserves credit for publicly confronting the issue"
Not too much credit of course. I mean, there's a lot to be said for pretending steroids don't exist and looking at a revenue sheet instead of a few dead bodies and implausibly broken records, right? Besides, Alex did the right thing in publicly confronting the issue five years after the fact, and only when he had no other choice. Come to think of it, that's exactly what I did. Hey, I guess he did read my memo!

"there is no valid excuse for using such substances,"
There really is no excuse. Why use a substance that MLB could actually test for when the black market is littered with more effective, untraceable substances? That's what happens when you choose to get drugs from a shemale bodybuilder instead of Victor Conte.

"and those who use them have shamed the game."
Did I say "shamed"? I meant "saved". Revenues are at an all time high, the Maris chase rejuvenated baseball after the strike, the commissioner's office keeps getting raises despite a plummeting economy, and even the steroid scandal itself keeps people talking about baseball during an otherwise quiet offseason. It's like when I realigned baseball just so my Brewers could change leagues, boost attendance with the novelty factor of new opponents, and generate enough excitement to get funding for a new stadium. That wasn't selfish and shameful- I saved the team! Good for me. And good for ARod.

Commissioner Selig then addressed executives from recently bailed out banks and asked, "Now what's it's gonna take to get you in a luxury suite today?"

MLB Trainers Are Relentless In Their Conspiracy To Sabotage Hall Of Fame Players

Tuesday night, it was revealed that a 2003 urine sample from Barry Bonds had been retested by federal authorities and was found to be positive for performance enhancing drugs. This result confirms what most baseball fans have already known to be true for quite sometime- that Greg Anderson, Victor Conte, and the government are all in collusion to undermine the legacy of Barry Bonds. First they sabotaged his flaxseed, then his aspercreme, and now his urine. Obviously, nothing is sacred to these evildoers.

Similarly, Roger Clemens has found himself under the microscope, literally, as syringes kept in an old beer can by his former trainer Brian McNamee have shown to contain DNA matching Clemens' genetic profile. In an exclusive only seen here, The Lounge has obtained a sample of the DNA in question, and the results are rather damning:


Obviously, we know that Clemens was framed since he already told Congress that he never used steroids. And that was under oath, so it must have been the truth. But it appears that if a UCLA doping lab finds evidence of performance enhancers in those same syringes, then Clemens will once again find himself in court looking to clear his name.

While Clemens is already ably represented by Otis the town drunk Rusty Hardin, I believe it's also my responsibility, being the bastion of integrity that I am, to help The Rocket find justice. With that in mind, here are a few plausible perfectly legal explanations as to how the syringes managed to contain trace amounts of Roger Clemens' blood:

Clemens may have unwittingly left some DNA on his wife Debbie's ass during an afternoon interlude. McNamee then could have scraped that DNA off when he was shooting her up for her SI photoshoot.

McNamee said he was drawing the blood in an attempt to clone The Rocket, as #22 thought it was his only chance to have a kid in the major leagues. I mean, Koby hit .268 in high A for Chrissakes!

The blood didn't get on the needle from an injection, but rather dripped onto it from the empty beer can. One time, McNamee and Clemens were hanging out, drinking beers and decided to hang the empties on their fingers and pretend they were robots. Who hasn't done that, right? Well, Roger got a little carried away and cut his finger, and now that one little misadventure may lead to an errant perjury conviction.

Ok, he did get injected. But it wasn't with athletic performance enhancers. Instead, he asked McNamee to shoot him up with sexual performance enhancers. Hey, it's not easy keeping up with a 15 year-old with a country singer's lungs.

Clemens can't be held responsible for his actions. He was not of sound mind. He couldn't possibly be; he had Icy Hot on his balls!

(By the way, if you'll indulge me in a quick aside: the Icy Hot story is old news. Check out this link. That story's almost three years old. I don't know why people are making a big deal out of it now. In fact, Deadspin "broke" the story last week as if it were new despite the fact that they had featured it themselves the first time around. I swear, sometimes, I almost get the vibe that bloggers don't do any research before writing.)

Finally, as far as I know, Joe Torre hasn't implicated Roger Clemens in his latest book. And he trashed everybody in that thing. So obviously, the man must be innocent.

Hopefully, this should be enough to put Clemens in the clear. And not the kind of clear that Bonds got from Anderson, but the kind that MLB can't pretend to be disgusted at after profiting from its use for over a decade.

It should only be a matter of time before we see Clemens, Barry, and Big Mac in their rightful place- on a dais in Cooperstown... Or signing a autographs at the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace.

Whither Goest Blackballed Barry?

The first pitches of live spring training games have been thrown, and still Barry Bonds finds himself without a team. Right now, his agent Jeff Borris is traveling from park to park and hoping to sell someone on Barry's still potent stick. It's like he's filming a BangBus movie and trying to see what GM he can persuade to get into the van. Unfortunately for Bonds, so far he has no takers despite the fact that even at age 43, he still got on base 48% of the time he stepped to the plate; and it's now Roger Clemens and not him that's the performance enhancing villain du jour. But as the season gets closer and teams realize that their lineup isn't the machine they'd envisioned in the winter meetings, Bonds should start getting more consideration. Even then, his options will be limited. Here is a look at possible destinations for Barry, listed from least to most likely, by my own guesstimation:

San Diego Padres
Reasons to sign: Right now, the Padres projected left fielder is either Scott Hairston or Chase Headley, who hasn't played in the outfield since college. Bonds has hit more home runs against the Padres than any other team, so maybe there's something about the San Diego parks that bring out the best in him. Tijuana is just a 15 minute drive from the park, making the acquisition of steroids, ephedra, HGH, viagra, etc. a breeze.
Reasons not to sign: While San Diego fans are known to be laid back, Barry Bonds has been one of the few players to elicit actual hatred from the home crowd. San Diegans won't start rooting for Barry just because he's wearing a Padres jersey.
Verdict: Padres fans would rather see an adopted golden retreiver from Petco in left field than Barry Bonds. If Kevin Towers were to sign Bonds, it would likely be his last move as GM.

Texas Rangers
Reasons to sign: According to Sportsline, the Rangers will once again go with Frank Catalanotto at DH and bat him 9th. Ninth...for the designated hitter? Rangers Ballpark is a launching pad in the summertime, and Bonds could give some much needed pop to a relatively anemic lineup. Sammy Sosa played for the Rangers last year, so fans are already accustomed to being asked to cheer for a player who's assumed to have used performance enhancing drugs.
Reasons not to sign: If Bonds were to sign with the Rangers, it would mean that he wouldn't get the chance to face Rangers' pitching.
Verdict: To me, this move seems to make a lot of sense, which means there's no way Tom Hicks will ever do it.

Oakland A's
Reasons to sign: Right now, the A's have a triple A team playing in a crappy stadium, and there is no reason that anyone would want to watch them play. With Bonds, the A's could tap into his Bay Area fan base. In going from San Francisco to Oakland, Bonds would save a ton on shipping costs for his Barcalounger.
Reasons not to sign: Even with an incentive-laden contract, Bonds would still cost money, and the A's are loathe to spend more than minor league money. If attendance plummets further this season, the A's can always just tarp off another section of seats to give the appearance of a denser crowd.
Verdict: Even though Bonds excels in Beane's much coveted metric of on base percentage, the A's appear content to just enjoy profits through revenue sharing without worrying about such nonsense as fielding a winning team.

Japanese League
Reasons to sign: Already passed Hank Aaron, now it's time to go after Sadaharu Oh. Yen is performing well against the dollar of late. Japanese women are already used to seeing guys with tiny testicles.
Reasons not to sign: In Japan, when you ask for "the cream," they hand you a bukakke video. In the Japanese league, you actually have to hustle.
Verdict: Not as clazy as it sounds.

Tampa Bay Rays (nee Devil Rays)
Reasons to sign: For the Rays, it sure would be nice if fans came to a game other than when the Red Sox or Yankees were in town. Bonds could buy booze for all the kids on the roster. Florida has no income tax, meaning one fewer risk for investigation into tax evasion. Pedro Gomez already has a retirement home in Florida, so that works out nicely for him.
Reasons not to sign: If ESPN starts showing up to Tampa Bay games, someone might notice that in an effort to cut costs, the Rays have been dressing up little leaguers, throwing them out on the field, and paying them in jolly ranchers.
Verdict: What have they got to lose? It's not like either party had any dignity to begin with.

So I guess it comes down to Tampa Bay and Japan for Barry. Neither really qualifies as Major League Baseball and they both play in hideous domed stadiums. Both are known for having great strip clubs, but only in Japan can you get a girl dressed up like your favorite anime character. Advantage: Japan. Sayonara, Barry.

The Nightcap, Lohan Edition: Some Like It Hot. Some Like It Used

It looks like after an extended period of longing and hope, Mark Cuban will finally get the guy he wanted, Jason Kidd, on his squad. While Kidd will certainly be able to contribute to the Mavaricks, I have a feeling his play in Dallas will be a bit like the series of topless photos Lindsay Lohan took in tribute to Marilyn Monroe: Some flashes of brilliance, but definitely showing the wear and tear from some rough years, and certainly paling in comparison to the original.

(And yes, I know that my attempt to come up with a metaphor to justify including a Lohan picture was even more transparent than the cloth Lindsay is holding in front of her. But in my defense....boobs.)

In other drug user news: Eric Gagne gave a vague apology to his Milwaukee teammates for "a distraction that shouldn't be taking place." And he's right- there's no reason at all why anyone should have signed Gagne and his batting practice fastball to a major league contract.

Andy Pettitte also spent the day apologizing to anyone who's ever watched a baseball game, C-SPAN, or the 700 club. He also said that the scrutiny and criticism that he and Roger Clemens have received should serve as a deterrent to other athletes who might be considering using performance enhancing drugs, as nobody would want to go through what Roger and he did. Pettitte then excused himself so he could cash his $600,000 biweekly check from the Yankees.

The Angels' Francisco Rodriguez is upset with the organization for refusing to offer him a lucrative, long-term contract and has insinuated that he will leave the team at the end of the 2008 season. He hasn't stated which teams he'd be interested in going to, but one would suspect that he would seek out teams with white undersides to their caps, so as to better conceal any illegal substances he may be using.

Finally, Curt Schilling has said that he is undergoing rehab treatment for his ailing shoulder and there's still a chance he could pitch this year. In fact, he's so confident that he'll make a dramatic return late in the season that he's already prepared a bloody jersey to wear for the occasion.

Baseball Is Most Exciting When It's Not Being Played

Where were my readers last night to warm me that a small Lakers lineup of Farmar, Fisher, and Kobe could take a 12 point deficit and turn it into a tie game in just a minute and a half? I've taken enough losses to know not to start counting my money before the final buzzer sounds, but that was brutal. A few more games like that and my kneecaps will look Adam Morrison's. Oh well, I won't focus on the things I don't have- like say, money- and instead concentrate on the things I do have- such as an extensive collection of Lucy Pinder pictures to refer to when With Leather is having trouble making an ID of a random bikini pic.

Elsewhere in the sports world, the baseball offseason is actually more interesting than the World Series was.

Padres CF Mike Cameron has been suspended for 25 games as the result of failing a second test for an illegal stimulant. He of course says that it must be the result of taking a tainted supplement. Why can't I ever get any roids or an extra jolt out of my Vitamin Water? And what is up with San Diego athletes and tainted supplements? Maybe they should stop buying their "supplements" at the pharmacias on Avenida Revolucion in Tijuana.

In a related story, Tony Gwynn says that his enormous weight gain is also the result of tainted supplements. He thought he was taking giant, chewable vitamins. It turns out that they were cheeseburgers.

In an interview with the Denver Post, Rockies owner Charlie Monfort claimed that his team was better than the Red Sox, insisting, "You give us 10 games against them, we'll beat them six." Damn. It's a shame that the WS isn't a best of 10 series, because the Rockies were just about to rip off six in a row. By the way, what would happen if a best of 10 series ended in a 5-5 tie? Maybe Selig would award the world championship to the team coming from the league that had the lowest pitch count in the All-Star game.

Monfort also thanked his players for their performance, saying "They've brought credibility back to the franchise, not that we ever lost it."

Other statements from Monfort may include:

"This Rockies team proved that God is alive and well, not that He ever really needed any proof."

"I'd like to thank Viagra for giving me a full, rigid erection, not that I ever needed Viagra in the first place."

While noone is confirming the NY Post story, it appears that Joe Torre is headed to Los Angeles to manage the Dodgers. Upon hearing the news, Dodgers reliever Scott Procter went ahead and called Dr. Frank Jobe to schedule his Tommy John surgery for July of 2008.

Overall, the role of the manager is probably overrated, but one thing Joe Torre has is experience in situations that the Dodgers need to be in. I'm not referring to managing in the World Series. I'm more interested in his ability to take a hitter who can't hit worth a lick and sit him on the bench for the majority of the season, despite the fact that the hitter is collecting a giant paycheck andis virtually untradeable. If Torre can do that with the slap-hitting, no-walking, noodle-armed Juan Pierre then maybe the Dodgers can go places, afterall.

Shoot Me Up A Winner, Bobby

The New York Daily News is reporting that in 2004, Cardinals catalyst and one of the rare feel-good stories of the summer, Rick Ankiel, received a 12-month supply of human growth hormone from a Florida pharmacy. For Cards fans, this has to feel like they were just shown an alternate version of The Natural in which Roy Hobbs' pain becomes so severe that he has to shoot up with morphine before each game; and eventually, he robs a drifter for a fix, beats him to death with the Savoy Special, and finds himself sentenced to life in prison. (Actually, I think I'd watch that movie.) I wouldn't be surprised at all tomorrow to tune into Deadspin and see that its creator and ardent Cardinals fan, Will Leitch, has mimicked MGoBlog's response after the Wolverines lost to Appalachian State and replaced the entire site with pictures of kittens.

Of course, Ankiel will either deny the allegations or more likely, give some version of "I can't comment at this time, but I look forward to clearing my name." Meanwhile, Cardinals fans will rally around Ankiel as long he continues to hit homers. Even those who acknowledge his guilt will likely point out that this all occurred before major league baseball had banned HGH. If that excuse sounds familiar, it's because it's exactly what Giants fans will tell you if you bring up the name Barry Lamar Bonds. Of course, the difference between the two is that Bonds was actually a good player before he started using performance enhancers- tho neither one of them was able to hit home plate with a throw when it counted in the playoffs.

Fortunately for Rick Ankiel, even if he is proven beyond a reasonable doubt to have received this shipment, a figure from another sport has provided a unique rationalization for such a purchase. You may recall that the NFL recently suspended former Bears assistant coach and current Cowboys quarterback coach Wade Wilson for five games after they learned that he too had received a shipment of HGH. Thursday, Wade Wilson revealed that while he was using the drug as a performance enhancer, it was for a much different type of performance than its typical use. Wilson was experimenting with HGH to treat impotence that was brought on by his diabetes and is not treatable by conventional methods. He purchased the substances from a "Florida rejuvenation clinic" for between $3,000 and $4,000. Wow- that is one expensive erection. If only he had seen the private pictures of Vanessa Hudgens- he would have been able to save a few bucks.

So maybe that was the case with Rick Ankiel. Maybe he had a little trouble lifting his bat and called on the fix-all hormone of champions. I know Rafael Palmeiro is wishing he'd thought of it.

...
By the way, while searching for a corresponding photo for this post, I came across this image, which I had to include because while not quite fitting, it made me think of the following exchange:

-I can't inject you with window cleaner.

-I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?

-It causes your brain to die last.

-I don't mind.

Now the Giants Can Focus On Winning the West

(8/9: Much thanks to reader Jeff for pointing out that I shorted Dale Murphy 100 homers in my original post. The text has been corrected to reflect the 398 round trips he earned during his esteemed career.)

For anyone that has been stuck in the same cubicle for years only to be repeatedly passed over for promotion by the latest hotshot at the office, take solace in knowing that Pedro Gomez feels your pain. For three years, he was Barry Bonds shadow- giving ESPN viewers daily updates on Bonds' home run total, the inning he left the game, and what he had for lunch that day. Then, when Barry finally breaks the record, who does ESPN send out for the postgame interview with Bonds? Erin Andrews. That has gotta hurt. The network eventually went to Gomez later who was relegated to informing the viewer such vital information such as there were fireworks and confetti after Bonds launched 756. Poor Pedro Gomez has become the Cuban version of Milton from Office Space. If there's ever a giant fire at ESPN headquarters in Bristol, you'll know who to look for.

After all is said and done, my feelings are pretty much aligned with what Dale Murphy said yesterday: "The guy would have become one of the great ones, anyway. ... But now, he sucked the fun and the life right out of it." Tho for me, it wasn't the performance enhancers that ruined it for me - heck, anyone who's popped a Viagra before going up to their vegas hotel room with a few hookers can relate to reaching for an extra boost when it's available. It was just the fact that Bonds was a jerk throughout his career that made it impossible to root for him.

Honestly though, the biggest jerk through all of this has been Bud Selig. The commissioner almost destroys baseball by canceling the World Series in 1995. Then he looks the other way while Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa revive the game with their displays of power. But now that Bonds has broken the all-time record, he wants to act indignant? I know he wishes that Bonds had treated people better- we all do. But the surge in home runs is largely responsible for Selig still having a job. A job in which he collected $14 million this year. For that kind of cash, Selig should at least have the decency to say thank you.

On behalf of Dale Murphy, it should be noted that while he finished his career with only 398 home runs, as a devout Mormon, he wasn't allowed to have so much as a drop of caffeine before a game. Imagine if he'd even just had a friggin' can of Coke in the clubhouse. His home run total would have at least been 401, maybe 402.

I would like to thank Barry Bonds for one thing. At least he had the decency to hit his record-tying and record-breaking home runs in games where Chris Berman wasn't doing the play by play. You think the record is tainted now? Imagine if every time ESPN replayed the swing, you heard, "Back, back, back, back....gone! And for the 756th time, Barry has cashed in his Bonds!"

What's next for Barry? My guess is he should spend 2008 as the DH of the Devil Rays where he can etch his name amongst other Tampa Bay greats like Wade Boggs, Fred McGriff, and Jose Canseco. He'd be the perfect role model for Delmon Young.

Making the Rounds With People On Drugs

This week, my place of residence is the 7th floor, the pediatric ward, of the hospital while Tyler gets some treatments. We've got our own 7th floor crew rollin' up in this joint:

(What's your name?)
T-money, yo
(What you do?)
Rock the chemo
(How you do it?)
Straight to the vein, then chill with Finding Nemo
...
Sorry about that. I'm even more sleep deprived than usual. Anyway, I've got a brief break, so I thought I'd catch up on what I've missed in the wide, wide world of sports:

Sammy Sosa hit HR #600 in Texas last night, and the organization had the audacity to play "The Natural" as he rounded the bases. To be fair, I'm not aware of a song called "Ballad of the man from the land of needles and cork who forgot how to speak English and fled the country to escape persecution." But then again, I don't really follow country music much.
...

Meanwhile, in an interview with local radio, Rangers owner Tom Hicks was asked about any decisions he regretted since becoming owner of the team. He responded with, "Juan Gonzalez for $24 million after he came off steroids, probably, we just gave that money away." Since we're talking about drugs, I have to wonder: is Mr. Hicks on crack? That's not even close to most regrettable decision Tom Hicks has made in his tenure as owner. To recap:

Signed ARod to 10 year, $250 million deal.
Traded ARod and $67 million to Yankees for Alfonso Soriano and player to be named.
Traded Alfonso Soriano to Nationals for Brad Wilkerson, Termel Sledge, and Armando Galarraga.
Traded Termel Sledge, Chris Young, and Adrian Gonzalez to Padres for Adam Eaton, Akinori Otsuka, and Bill Killian.

Compared to that debacle, failing to hook Gonzalez up with the right steroids manufacturers was a rather minor oversight.
...

The NFL has said that it is serious about dealing with concussion injuries amongst its players. Because of the sports' physical nature, it's impossible to completely prevent concussions from occurring. However, the league can be more responsible in the way players are treated after incurring a concussion, both while active players and just as importantly, after retirement. Concussions may increase the likelihood of a person suffering serious brain disorders in later life, such as depression, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease.

While the Federal government has shown an interest in baseball's steroid involvement, the NFL won't be helping with the treatment of retired football players. Many researchers believe that people who suffer from Parkinson's disease will be among the first to benefit from advances being made in stem cell research. Yesterday, the President vetoed a stem cell research bill saying,
"Destroying human life in the hopes of saving human life is not ethical."

I'd have a little easier time digesting that statement if it wasn't made from the same person who entered a nation into war. Oh well, at least he made Kurt Warner happy.
...

Joe Girardi has turned down an offer to manage the Baltimore Orioles. While Girardi has probably accepted that he won't be the next Joe Torre (that position is being kept warm for Don Mattingly), he's realized that he doesn't want to end up being the next Lee Mazzilli either.
...

Finally- Tim Floyd signs an 8th grader to a verbal commitment to USC, and it's seen as aggressive recrutiing, and yet if I tell the girl at Jamba Juice to call me when she turns 18, I'm a creep? That just ain't right.

The Nightcap - Celtics Fans Are Down For the Count

-"Dear ESPN Sports Gal,

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. If it's any consolation, lighting himself on fire is the way he always wanted to go. Like many others, I will choose to remember Bill for the times when he was actually funny. If you can find any consolation in the wake of these events, perhaps it is this: At least now, your daughter won't be forced to play in every single rec sports league because her father was disappointed that he didn't get a son.

Yup, I am his reader.

P.S. Would you happen to have an email address for any of the Page2 editors? I understand there's now an opening."

-While Celtics' fans might be upset about losing the opportunity to draft Greg Oden or Kevin Durant, not all is lost. There's still a chance that they could use the #5 pick on Spencer Hawes and give season ticket holders the young, white star they've been longing for. Maybe he can be the next Kevin McHale (the dominant big man version, not the franchise-killing front office guy).

-Immediately after the draft lottery, ESPN analyst Jon Barry said that Portland should trade away the most coveted #1 pick in years for veteran players because the Blazers do not need to get younger. Note to self: after building an empire with underground strip clubs and dog fights catering to athletes and then buying a NBA franchise with newfound fortune, do not hire Jon Barry as your GM.

-The Washington Redskins have issued a statement apologizing for the comments made by Clinton Portis which were dismissive of the allegations that Michael Vick is facing in connection with a dog fighting ring.

"The Washington Redskins, as an organization, obviously would never condone anything related to animal cruelty," the team's statement said.

I wonder how the organization would feel about endorsing anything related to genocide? Would the REDSKINS condone that?

-The Yankees are rushing Roger Clemens along and he may actually start for the Yankees next week against the Blue Jays. But after watching Mike Mussina pitch today, I think it's Roger Clemens' pharmacist that they really need the most.

-So, a few days after Jason Giambi says that baseball should apologize to the fans for its rampant use of steroids, it's somehow leaked to a NY Daily News reporter that Giambi failed an amphetamine test within the last year. Giambi should consider himself lucky. Bud Selig wanted to have the brake fluid drained from Giambi's car, but Donald Fehr was able negotiate a simple "uppers" violation.

-Giambi has said that whatever he did use, he didn't feel like it really helped him. He would have hit the homers anyway. So um...why did he keep taking it? Did he just like to start each day with a needle in the ass? That is like me saying that I'm pretty sure the women at the club would have slept with me anyway, but I just slipped the roofies in their drinks because I heard it was the thing to do.

-Speaking of ladies that I might need an added edge with, check out the Ultimate Fan Sweepstakes over at MLB.com. The grand prize is a set of tickets to two Dodgers home games with the opportunity to meet Alyssa Milano at one of the games. Ya know, maybe I'm selling myself short. She did date Carl Pavano afterall, so maybe she isn't the most discerning chick in town. That's my kind of girl.

Some Quick Housekeeping in the Lounge

I have a busy day ahead of me, so this will have to be a short entry this morning. Either "I'm sorry" or "You're welcome." I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

The Bears finally came to an agreement with Lovie Smith, signing him to a 4 year, $22 million contract extension, which is quite a healthy raise from the $1.45 million he was due to make next year. To try to get a grasp on just how much money that is- if you were to take one season's credit card statements for every NFL team physician and add up the charges for HGH, your total would roughly be the equivalent of what Lovie Smith will make next season.

One of the names to have surfaced in this latest drug sting is that of the former heavyweight champion, Evander Holyfield. According to documents obtained by SI, Holyfield was allegedly using the pseudonym Evan Fields to obtain either steroids, HGH, or both. When asked about the name Evan Fields, Holyfield said, "I have no idea who that is." Of course, he also had the same response when asked about his sons, his dogs, or the image presented to him in a mirror.

Trade rumor that's too good to be true: The Titans are desperate to get rid of Pacman Jones. The Raiders are desperate to get rid of Randy Moss. Could the two teams be working out a deal to exchange disorderly players? One thing that could help facilitate the deal is that both players share the same drug dealer.

Could one devastating on court injury open the door for playing time for a former player who had a devastating off court injury? The Los Angeles Clippers are in need of a backup point guard since Shaun Livingston tore every piece of fiber in his knee Tuesday night. The Clippers might take a look at former Duke guard Jay Williams, whose NBA career came to an end years ago after a brutal car accident. So it would be, Livingston out and Williams in. That's just a rumor I heard. I don't know if it has any legs.

The Nightcap

Tonight's Nightcap is brought to you by Laphroaig Single Malt Scotch Whisky. Because if you can survive a few glasses of Laphroaig, you can survive just about anything.

Here are some of the recent headlines in sports:

No quiero hacer pis en una taza
Sammy Sosa officially signed a one year minor league deal with the Texas Rangers today. In a telephone interview, Sosa proclaimed that he is "fresh (and) relaxed," that his "body is in shape" and that there is only a "one in a million" chance that he wouldn't make the team. Coincidentally, those are the same odds that Sosa will make the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. But at least it's nice to see that Sosa was productive during his year off and learned how to speak English again.

Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger...
Latrell Sprewell has been hit with a $200 million palimony suit from his babies' momma, Candace Cabbil, after the size of the payments he was giving her began to diminish in value. I know there are four mouths to feed, and she did give up that sweet hospital job making 25k a year so that she could stay home with the kids (and the nanny and the housekeeper), but $200 mil?! That seems a bit exorbitant. I now realize that when Sprewell famously turned down a 3 year, $21 million contract offer because, "I got my family to feed," he wasn't actually being greedy at all. It's just that Ms. Cabbil apparently is incapable of raising her kids for less than 10 mil per year.

Speaking of guys with a choking fetish
Kobe Bryant was suspended by the NBA for one game for his blow to Manu Ginobili's face which was, according to NBA Lord of Discipline Stu Jackson, "an unnatural act." Bryant appealed the decision, believing that he should be able settle this ordeal the same way he does anytime he commits an unnatural act...by writing a check. The NBA denied the appeal, but compromised and declared that rather than being forced to sit out a game against a real NBA team, he could just miss the Knicks game instead.

By the way, how would you like to be a fan in New York who paid a couple hundred bux a ticket on Ebay or StubHub to see the Lakers come to town and then find out a few hours before tipoff that instead of Kobe, you get to see Maurice Evans play? Kobe's not going to miss the game check that much, but David Stern sure did screw over the casual fan on this one. And here I thought the NBA cared?

Remember the 90s?
Here's a message I received from a Cowboys fan today that pretty much said it all in regards to the state of Big D. "I don't know why people are so pessimistic about Norv Turner as the head coach. He's just two 14-2 seasons away from being a .500 coach."

Theo Epstein Likes to Watch
The Boston Red Sox will be building an indoor batting cage for the visiting team on the 3rd base side of Fenway Park. One of the walls of the cage will be shared with "Game On," a Red Sox owned bar and grill. That wall will be a one-way mirror that allows patrons to watch the visiting team take batting practice. This will be a great opportunity for Red Sox fans to scout their future $70 million free agent acquisitions, since- as evidenced in the JD Drew signing- looking good in batting practice is the only requirement for getting a long term deal from the Red Sox front office.

Out of respect for Tony Dungy, Minnesota bans latent homoerotic activity for one week
A Minnesota school district has shutdown all wrestling activity for the next eight days after 24 high school wrestlers were diagnosed with herpes gladiatorum, an HSV-1 infection passed by skin to skin contact. The moratorium on all practices and meets should be sufficient to contain the outbreak, but this incident has left the sport with a black eye. And a rash. A blistering, painful rash.