Even On Injured Reserve, Matt Leinart Keeps Taking Hits

Last year, Matt Leinart celebrated his new contract by paying $2.4 million for a six bedroom, six and a half bath, 6,800 square-foot, tuscan style home in an Arizona suburb called Ahwatukee. This week, he sold the house to Phoenix Suns forward and real estate mogul (he owns four homes in Arizona) Amare Stoudemire for $1.9 million, for a tidy loss of $500,000, or roughly a little more than three years of child support payments.

You can now add "Real Estate" to a growing list of subjects for which you would never want to ask Matt Leinart's advice. That list includes:

Birth control
Driver's Ed.
STDs (allegedly)
Parenting
Sportsmanship
Durability
Self-esteem

On the plus side, if you ever need tips on the foxtrot, Matt's your guy.

Shoot Me Up A Winner, Bobby

The New York Daily News is reporting that in 2004, Cardinals catalyst and one of the rare feel-good stories of the summer, Rick Ankiel, received a 12-month supply of human growth hormone from a Florida pharmacy. For Cards fans, this has to feel like they were just shown an alternate version of The Natural in which Roy Hobbs' pain becomes so severe that he has to shoot up with morphine before each game; and eventually, he robs a drifter for a fix, beats him to death with the Savoy Special, and finds himself sentenced to life in prison. (Actually, I think I'd watch that movie.) I wouldn't be surprised at all tomorrow to tune into Deadspin and see that its creator and ardent Cardinals fan, Will Leitch, has mimicked MGoBlog's response after the Wolverines lost to Appalachian State and replaced the entire site with pictures of kittens.

Of course, Ankiel will either deny the allegations or more likely, give some version of "I can't comment at this time, but I look forward to clearing my name." Meanwhile, Cardinals fans will rally around Ankiel as long he continues to hit homers. Even those who acknowledge his guilt will likely point out that this all occurred before major league baseball had banned HGH. If that excuse sounds familiar, it's because it's exactly what Giants fans will tell you if you bring up the name Barry Lamar Bonds. Of course, the difference between the two is that Bonds was actually a good player before he started using performance enhancers- tho neither one of them was able to hit home plate with a throw when it counted in the playoffs.

Fortunately for Rick Ankiel, even if he is proven beyond a reasonable doubt to have received this shipment, a figure from another sport has provided a unique rationalization for such a purchase. You may recall that the NFL recently suspended former Bears assistant coach and current Cowboys quarterback coach Wade Wilson for five games after they learned that he too had received a shipment of HGH. Thursday, Wade Wilson revealed that while he was using the drug as a performance enhancer, it was for a much different type of performance than its typical use. Wilson was experimenting with HGH to treat impotence that was brought on by his diabetes and is not treatable by conventional methods. He purchased the substances from a "Florida rejuvenation clinic" for between $3,000 and $4,000. Wow- that is one expensive erection. If only he had seen the private pictures of Vanessa Hudgens- he would have been able to save a few bucks.

So maybe that was the case with Rick Ankiel. Maybe he had a little trouble lifting his bat and called on the fix-all hormone of champions. I know Rafael Palmeiro is wishing he'd thought of it.

...
By the way, while searching for a corresponding photo for this post, I came across this image, which I had to include because while not quite fitting, it made me think of the following exchange:

-I can't inject you with window cleaner.

-I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?

-It causes your brain to die last.

-I don't mind.

The Nightcap

As I'm sure you know by now, the Pittsburgh Steelers named their mascot Steely McBeam. I think it's only fair that the ladies who grace this site also be given a name. Let's call them by my all-time favorite DirecTv compilation pay-per-view title: Chesty McHooters.
...

In what can only be described as a "miracle pull," a Columbus, Ohio man (who incongruously goes by 'Wolverine24') opened a pack of 2007 Topps Allen and Ginter's baseball cards and found a 1/1 Autographed Mother Teresa card, who I hear played a helluva rover for the Calcutta Lepers softball team. Now the blessed card is on Ebay, where it is currently fetching a price of $6099.99. Honestly, I think it's a steal at that or any price. Can't you just imagine meeting St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and he's making an accounting of your transgressions: "Let's see here. You gambled on football during the holy day. You stiffed that stripper 50 bux after getting lapdances all night long. I'm pretty sure you're drunk right now. Frankly, I don't know why you even bothered coming....wait, just a second? Is that the 1/1 Mother Teresa card? Holy H-E-double-you-know-what, I've been looking for that! What say you slip me that under my robe and we can get you right in. Loved ones are over to the right, virgins are on the left. Enjoy Eternity."
...

According to LA Rag Mag (and really with a name like that, how could it not be reputable?), before Derek Jeter broke up with Jessica Alba, he gave her the gift that keeps on giving. Herpes. Even if it's true, the news is somewhat irrelevant, as it in no way reduces the willingness of a Yankees' fan to go down on either one of them in a New York minute. It would at least explain Alex Rodriguez's blue lips. That must be the tint on his cold sore cream.
...

Wow, I just sandwiched Mother Teresa between Chesty McHooters and Jessica Alba's fiery crotch. I'll bet even in Pope John Paul II wettest dream he wasn't able to accomplish that feat. I should just retire now, because I can't sink any lower than this.
...

Falcons fans, fear not. For Joey Harrington enters this season with a chip on his shoulder. Now if only he had a brain in his skull. Here's his new approach to the game:
"Screw you guys. I know what I need to do to be a good quarterback. In order for me to play well, I need to be a bit selfish. I need to tell myself, 'You know what? I'm going to throw that post route. And if it gets picked off, screw it. I'm going to throw the post route again, because I know it's open.'"

He's right tho. He does need to be more selfish. From now on, he needs to only throw the ball to people on his team, rather than his usual giving approach where he'd throw the ball up for grabs to anyone. So far, Joey Harrington has had to say "screw it" 77 times after picks versus saying "holy crap, I can't believe I actually threw a TD" only 72 times in his storied career.
...

In an absolute must read, ESPN recounts an interview with the entertaining and astonishing Pacman Jones. After insisting he's only been arrested twice despite police records to the contrary, he then clarifies that when he went to a strip club immediately before his hearing with Roger Goodell, it was just to grab a bite to eat. As he so eloquently put it:

"If I could do anything different, I wouldn't have went and gotten nothing to eat then. There wasn't even no girls in there."

I can't even convince people that I go to Hooters for the wings, and Pacman expects us to believe he just went to a strip club for the food. I know that deli prices in New York are outrageous, but c'mon now. Maybe it was just all just a bit of miscommunication. Maybe a friend called him up and asked if wanted to grab a pie, and Pacman misunderstood. That kind of thing can happen when you don't understand the lingo of a new city. I still remember the surprise I felt when I walked into a Thai massage parlor and spa in San Francisco and ordered the tossed salad. So maybe Pacman deserves a break.

Byron Houston Can Still Ball

It is important for any athlete to find for himself a secondary recreation to satisfy his competitive nature after his playing days are over. Michael Jordan has become an avid golfer. Brad Daugherty has found a love for Nascar. Charles Barkley loves to burn through cash at the tables in Vegas.

Former NBA journeyman and Oklahoma State all-time leading scorer Byron Houston has found his own enjoyment as well: Public masturbation. NewsOK.com has the story:

Former Oklahoma State basketball player Byron Houston was arrested for indecent exposure Wednesday after a woman called police and said she saw a man masturbating near Northwest Expressway and Independence Road in Oklahoma City, police said Thursday. Police stopped a car at 5:45 p.m. that matched the woman's description and found Houston in the driver's seat with his shoes off and underwear on the floorboard.

Sure, we've all given ourselves a little stroke to pass the time at a long red light, but you really have to be into masturbating to toss your drawers down to the floorboard. That is committing yourself to the task. But I suppose that's what you'd expect from someone who's been honing his craft for six years. A quick glance at his priors shows that Houston is a pocket pool veteran.

- In September 2001, Houston was arrested after several women reported seeing him masturbating on his balcony.

- In May 2002, he was arrested after he was seen masturbating through a window.

- In August 2002, he was arrested after a woman saw him masturbating in his vehicle.

- In March 2003, he plead guilty to four counts of indecent exposure and was ordered to undergo treatment.

(I guess the treatment only lasts for four years.)

My advice to Mr. Houston? Move out of Oklahoma City. I mean really, once you've bowled ten frames at the local alley, there's really nothing left to do in Ok City other than jerk off, take a nap and repeat the cycle. He's just setting himself up for failure.

Joakim Noah's Life Does Not Suck

Joakim Noah, deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But god dammit, do I respect you.

After his workout for the Boston Celtics, Joakim Noah sat down with the Boston Herald and reflected on his college career:

"I might have had the best college experience ever," Noah said. "I had a blast. You want to talk off the record, I’ll tell you stories. I just feel that I had a great time. It’s something I’ll never forget. It’s made me even hungrier."

It's always refreshing for a player to basically say - 'I've had five coeds at the same time my freshman year, and by my sophomore season, I basically was the initiation ceremony for three different sororities. But now I've made a list of seventeen celebrities I want to nail, and I think I'm ready to give it a shot.'

Recent mock drafts have Joakim Noah going to the Bobcats at #8 overall. Since his competition for the ladies would include guys like Adam Morrison, Primoz Brezec, and Brevin Knight, he should be able to fare reasonably well. Women of Charlotte: you've been warned.

Oh, and No, No, Yes.

The Nightcap - Sex, Drugs, and Rocky Roll

With the Dow down over 400 points today, today's Nightcap is being brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon. I just hope there's a little bounceback tomorrow, or I'm going to have to start buying Keystone by the case, which is a fate no one over 19 should ever have to suffer. Can a brutha get a GoogleAd click?

By now everyone has probably heard about the Heidi Fleiss wannabee who is releasing a book which contains rather explicit details about the proclivities of her clientèle, including one Tommy Lasorda. Lasorda is of course refuting the allegations and hasn't been this pissed off since someone asked him about Kurt Bevacqua. I'm ticked off too. Not because someone has planted the image of Tommy Blue Balls receiving a hummer while watching lesbian porn, tho that certainly wasn't pleasant. No, I'm ticked off because Madams are supposed to have a code. Trust me, I watch a lot of Cinemax so I should know. The privacy of the client is to be protected at all costs. But now by publishing this book, Miss Gibson is messing up the program for all the other wealthy dudes with a boner and a fetish. If an athlete can't trust an upscale whorehouse, then he'll just save a few bucks and go to strip joints, night clubs, or good old street hookers instead. Ask Pacman Jones, Willis McGahee, or Denny Neagle (do not click if you ever want to have an erection again) how well that worked out.

If Miss Gibson really wants to publish something useful, she should release detailed instructions for her "swirly move" that relaxes the throat muscles so a woman can peform deep throat. That document should be the cover story in the next editions of Cosmo, Us Weekly, and Martha Stewart Living and then placed in every hair and nail salon in America...

Here's a painful segue. Tuesday night in Knoxville, Pat Summitt made good on her promise to do something special for the men's team and showed her school spirit by wearing a modest cheer uniform, singing "Rocky Top," and performing a cheer stunt. Honestly, I thought it was pretty cool, tho I wasn't quite as enthused as Dick Vitale. She not only showed people that she has a little bit of a wild side (I'm thinking she's a whips and chains gal), but she also laid to rest any lingering theories that the coach was actually a drag queen. Not that she showed any lady parts, but because she can't sing worth a damn. If she really were a man in women's clothing, she would have been belting out "Rocky Top" like Ethel Merman on a USO tour.

For those who watched the Florida/Tennessee game, you were treated to multiple shots of Peyton Manning in attendance (who made sure to mention the word "team" approximately 354 times in his courtside interview with Heather Cox). When the Volunteers completed their upset victory over the Gators, ESPN announcer Brad Nessler responded to a camera shot of Peyton Manning by narrating, "And Peyton says, 'That's the way we used to do it in football too.'" Umm, maybe with Tee Martin at the helm, Brad. Peyton Manning however, was 0-3 as a starter against the Gators, and 0-4 overall...

Gary Matthews Jr is among those at the center of an investigation into a drug distribution ring wherein steroids, HGH and other prescription drugs were sold over the internet. Of course since it's a baseball-related story (there was a pretty significant implication of the Steelers as well, but the NFL has Teflon when it comes to steroid scandals) that's involved with performance enhancers, the conversation of course eventually goes to Barry Bonds, the poster child of the steroid era in baseball. I was bored by the "Barry is a cheater" mock outrage last season, and nothing has really changed this year. I am however continually fascinated by the Bonds defenders (not the apologists, but the ones that have convinced themselves that Barry Bonds never used performance enhancers in the first place) that without fail find their way onto any large message board whenever Bonds' name is brought up. I swear, if I'm ever arrested for something and have to stand trial, I want my attorney to ask potential jurors one question: "Are you a Giants fan?" Because if they can believe that Barry is innocent, they'll believe anyone is innocent.

On a related note, this huge sting operation on prescription drugs being illegally ordered over the internet: that's not going to have any impact on the availability of low cost Viagra online, is it? No reason, just curious.

Lost in Thought After a Busy Day in Sports

The Chargers named Norv Turner as their head coach and The Hater Nation is not very pleased with the move. But I think he's being too hard on Turner's ability to lead the Chargers. Norv is taking over for a team that went 14-2. All he has to do is duplicate that record for the next two seasons and he'll be a .500 coach for his career.

NFL Adam's stance that Norv Turner is a horrible coach is hardly a minority opinion. Many people believe that Turner is good as an offensive coordinator but lacks the qualities to be an effective head coach. Among those people is former wide receiver and tango dancer, Jerry Rice. In Rice's new book, Rice says that Turner, "was never really head coach material ... He couldn't control the players and guys like Charles Woodson walked all over him." I'll give him a pass on Woodson- nobody has been able to turn him into anything resembling an NFL player. But one thing Turner did have some control over however was Rice's streak of consecutive games with a catch, which ended while Norv was his head coach in Oakland. So while I don't doubt that Turner was never exactly a taskmaster with the Raiders, I'm also certain that Rice harbors some serious resentment towards Norv for letting that streak come to an end.

It was also announced today that Ted Cottrell and Ron Rivera will be joining the Chargers as their defensive coordinator and linebacker coach, respectively. For Ron Rivera, going from the defensive coordinator of a Super Bowl team to the LB coach of an also-ran could be seen as a demotion; but if so, it's a rather soft landing. At Chicago, he had Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher at his disposal. Now with the Chargers, it will be his job to coach Shawne Merriman- not exactly the most difficult assignment. As long as Merriman doesn't get suspended again or pull a hamstring doing his Lights Out dance, Rivera should once more look like a defensive mastermind and be a viable candidate for head coach opportunities in the 2008 offseason.

The Colts slapped the franchise tag on Dwight Freeney, thereby guaranteeing that he will be wearing the horseshoe for at least one more year. While Freeney is obviously very talented, I'm surprised by this move. I would have thought that Tony Dungy would have allowed Freeney to go free, knowing in his heart that Freeney would re-sign with the Colts if it was all part of God's plan.

Tom Brady is going to be the father of Bridget Moynahan's baby. I guess Brady wasn't using his five layers of protection that night. Maybe Brady didn't think it was necessary. He probably assumed that if his boys were anything like everyone else associated with the Patriots, they'd never be able to run the right route in a pressure moment.

I know the rankings are a "what have you done for me lately" system, but it's absurd that Ohio State is #1 in the Coaches/ESPN poll. I'm trying to figure out what it was that impressed the voters so much. Was it their loss to Wisconsin, their losing trip to North Carolina, or their 26 point beating from Florida that convinced everyone that the Buckeyes were the best team in the nation?

Alex Rodriguez confirmed that his relationship with Derek Jeter isn't as close as it once was:
"The reality is there's been a change in the relationship over 14 years and, hopefully, we can just put it behind us," he went on. "You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over." ARod might feel a tad hurt by this development, but of course he's not going to sleep over anymore. When the choices for Jeter are ARod or: Mariah Carey, Lara Dutta, Jordanna Brewster, Vanessa Minnillo, Gabrielle Union, Jessica Alba, or Scarlett Johansson, chances are slim that he's going to be inviting ARod in to play with the XBox and drink Keystone Light all night.

The Nightcap

Tonight's Nightcap is brought to you by Laphroaig Single Malt Scotch Whisky. Because if you can survive a few glasses of Laphroaig, you can survive just about anything.

Here are some of the recent headlines in sports:

No quiero hacer pis en una taza
Sammy Sosa officially signed a one year minor league deal with the Texas Rangers today. In a telephone interview, Sosa proclaimed that he is "fresh (and) relaxed," that his "body is in shape" and that there is only a "one in a million" chance that he wouldn't make the team. Coincidentally, those are the same odds that Sosa will make the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. But at least it's nice to see that Sosa was productive during his year off and learned how to speak English again.

Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger...
Latrell Sprewell has been hit with a $200 million palimony suit from his babies' momma, Candace Cabbil, after the size of the payments he was giving her began to diminish in value. I know there are four mouths to feed, and she did give up that sweet hospital job making 25k a year so that she could stay home with the kids (and the nanny and the housekeeper), but $200 mil?! That seems a bit exorbitant. I now realize that when Sprewell famously turned down a 3 year, $21 million contract offer because, "I got my family to feed," he wasn't actually being greedy at all. It's just that Ms. Cabbil apparently is incapable of raising her kids for less than 10 mil per year.

Speaking of guys with a choking fetish
Kobe Bryant was suspended by the NBA for one game for his blow to Manu Ginobili's face which was, according to NBA Lord of Discipline Stu Jackson, "an unnatural act." Bryant appealed the decision, believing that he should be able settle this ordeal the same way he does anytime he commits an unnatural act...by writing a check. The NBA denied the appeal, but compromised and declared that rather than being forced to sit out a game against a real NBA team, he could just miss the Knicks game instead.

By the way, how would you like to be a fan in New York who paid a couple hundred bux a ticket on Ebay or StubHub to see the Lakers come to town and then find out a few hours before tipoff that instead of Kobe, you get to see Maurice Evans play? Kobe's not going to miss the game check that much, but David Stern sure did screw over the casual fan on this one. And here I thought the NBA cared?

Remember the 90s?
Here's a message I received from a Cowboys fan today that pretty much said it all in regards to the state of Big D. "I don't know why people are so pessimistic about Norv Turner as the head coach. He's just two 14-2 seasons away from being a .500 coach."

Theo Epstein Likes to Watch
The Boston Red Sox will be building an indoor batting cage for the visiting team on the 3rd base side of Fenway Park. One of the walls of the cage will be shared with "Game On," a Red Sox owned bar and grill. That wall will be a one-way mirror that allows patrons to watch the visiting team take batting practice. This will be a great opportunity for Red Sox fans to scout their future $70 million free agent acquisitions, since- as evidenced in the JD Drew signing- looking good in batting practice is the only requirement for getting a long term deal from the Red Sox front office.

Out of respect for Tony Dungy, Minnesota bans latent homoerotic activity for one week
A Minnesota school district has shutdown all wrestling activity for the next eight days after 24 high school wrestlers were diagnosed with herpes gladiatorum, an HSV-1 infection passed by skin to skin contact. The moratorium on all practices and meets should be sufficient to contain the outbreak, but this incident has left the sport with a black eye. And a rash. A blistering, painful rash.