The Nightcap - Sex, Drugs, and Rocky Roll

With the Dow down over 400 points today, today's Nightcap is being brought to you by Pabst Blue Ribbon. I just hope there's a little bounceback tomorrow, or I'm going to have to start buying Keystone by the case, which is a fate no one over 19 should ever have to suffer. Can a brutha get a GoogleAd click?

By now everyone has probably heard about the Heidi Fleiss wannabee who is releasing a book which contains rather explicit details about the proclivities of her clientèle, including one Tommy Lasorda. Lasorda is of course refuting the allegations and hasn't been this pissed off since someone asked him about Kurt Bevacqua. I'm ticked off too. Not because someone has planted the image of Tommy Blue Balls receiving a hummer while watching lesbian porn, tho that certainly wasn't pleasant. No, I'm ticked off because Madams are supposed to have a code. Trust me, I watch a lot of Cinemax so I should know. The privacy of the client is to be protected at all costs. But now by publishing this book, Miss Gibson is messing up the program for all the other wealthy dudes with a boner and a fetish. If an athlete can't trust an upscale whorehouse, then he'll just save a few bucks and go to strip joints, night clubs, or good old street hookers instead. Ask Pacman Jones, Willis McGahee, or Denny Neagle (do not click if you ever want to have an erection again) how well that worked out.

If Miss Gibson really wants to publish something useful, she should release detailed instructions for her "swirly move" that relaxes the throat muscles so a woman can peform deep throat. That document should be the cover story in the next editions of Cosmo, Us Weekly, and Martha Stewart Living and then placed in every hair and nail salon in America...

Here's a painful segue. Tuesday night in Knoxville, Pat Summitt made good on her promise to do something special for the men's team and showed her school spirit by wearing a modest cheer uniform, singing "Rocky Top," and performing a cheer stunt. Honestly, I thought it was pretty cool, tho I wasn't quite as enthused as Dick Vitale. She not only showed people that she has a little bit of a wild side (I'm thinking she's a whips and chains gal), but she also laid to rest any lingering theories that the coach was actually a drag queen. Not that she showed any lady parts, but because she can't sing worth a damn. If she really were a man in women's clothing, she would have been belting out "Rocky Top" like Ethel Merman on a USO tour.

For those who watched the Florida/Tennessee game, you were treated to multiple shots of Peyton Manning in attendance (who made sure to mention the word "team" approximately 354 times in his courtside interview with Heather Cox). When the Volunteers completed their upset victory over the Gators, ESPN announcer Brad Nessler responded to a camera shot of Peyton Manning by narrating, "And Peyton says, 'That's the way we used to do it in football too.'" Umm, maybe with Tee Martin at the helm, Brad. Peyton Manning however, was 0-3 as a starter against the Gators, and 0-4 overall...

Gary Matthews Jr is among those at the center of an investigation into a drug distribution ring wherein steroids, HGH and other prescription drugs were sold over the internet. Of course since it's a baseball-related story (there was a pretty significant implication of the Steelers as well, but the NFL has Teflon when it comes to steroid scandals) that's involved with performance enhancers, the conversation of course eventually goes to Barry Bonds, the poster child of the steroid era in baseball. I was bored by the "Barry is a cheater" mock outrage last season, and nothing has really changed this year. I am however continually fascinated by the Bonds defenders (not the apologists, but the ones that have convinced themselves that Barry Bonds never used performance enhancers in the first place) that without fail find their way onto any large message board whenever Bonds' name is brought up. I swear, if I'm ever arrested for something and have to stand trial, I want my attorney to ask potential jurors one question: "Are you a Giants fan?" Because if they can believe that Barry is innocent, they'll believe anyone is innocent.

On a related note, this huge sting operation on prescription drugs being illegally ordered over the internet: that's not going to have any impact on the availability of low cost Viagra online, is it? No reason, just curious.

The Nightcap

So the night after I write about how Georgetown and Kansas are two of my favorites to go to the Final Four, the Hoyas get crushed by Syracuse and the Jayhawks barely hold off Oklahoma. At first, it might seem that these results indicate that I don't have a clue as to what I'm talking about. I could definitely see how someone might come to that conclusion. However, I prefer to think of it as an indicator of my popularity amongst college athletes, as clearly these teams were reading the postings in the Lounge and let the praise get to their heads.

Tonight on ESPN, Fran Fraschilla said that this Kansas team is this year's version of the 2005-06 Florida team, which is exactly what I wrote yesterday. Obviously, I'm not accusing Mr. Fraschilla of stealing my ideas, since I'm fairly certain that he doesn't know how to operate the Google and the Ebays. Instead, I must just accept that if the former coach had the same idea, then it must have been a blatantly obvious concept...and most likely an errant one.

The Patriot League's leading scorer and conference player of the year is a guard out of Holy Cross named Keith Simmons. Hmmm....Holy Cross, Simmons, and basketball? Sounds an awful lot like Sports Guy material. From Keith Simmons' bio, I'm going to assume that there's no relation, however if Bill Simmons' karma is to stay true to form, then I expect Keith Simmons to play lights out in the opening round of the Patriot League tournament only to then rest on his laurels and mail it in for the remainder of their games. Think I'm just being bitter? Well, you're probably right. But answer me this: how has Bobby Simmons' NBA career gone since Sports Guy adopted him as family?

Remember when Bruce Pearl showed up shirtless and covered in orange body paint to a Lady Vols game? Well Tuesday, the mens' team hosts Florida, and it's now Pat Summitt's turn to lend her support to the squad. She hasn't revealed exactly what she will do at the game, however the early indication is that she will wear a cheerleader's uniform. While my initial reaction to the thought of Summitt in a skirt was one of horror, I've since realized that such costuming could provide the setting for one of the most memorable moments in college basketball history. What if Joakim Noah goes flying into the baseline like he did in the Kentucky game, only this time he's met by Pat Summitt shaking her pom-poms in his face? Noah then does what his instincts tell him to do when he sees a cheerleader and takes a swing at her- only instead of recoiling in fear, Summitt fights back. Suddenly, you've got a brawl erupting between a woman that looks like a man and a man that looks like a woman. It would be the highlight of the season. I'm setting both of my tivos to record the game just in case one shorts out from an overload of awesome.