Trivia Time With Joe Morgan

By way of Fire Joe Morgan comes a clip that demonstrates the type of insight and conceptual acumen necessary to become ESPN's lead baseball analyst:

On the bright side, it seems like Jon Miller is about ready to snap on-air. So that should be fun.

The NBA Playoffs Just Got A Little Less Sexy

Sonofa....

The NBA has finally decided to resume playing some games. The Finals begin tonight, and after doing some cursory research, it appears that the Yellowbook All-Access Cam was only a feature for the Western Conference Finals on TNT. As far as I can tell, it won't be used during the Finals on ABC. That's a bummer- not because I ever used the online cam during the games, but I'm going to miss the Yellowbook "wedding" commercial. Here it is if you need a refresher:




I can see getting married, maybe having a few kids. But a tattoo? It's just so...permanent. (R.I.P, Drake Sather).

During a playoffs that tried to convince me that Tyler Perry and Bill Engvall were "very funny," this ad was quite a welcome respite. The oh so sexy bride-to-be is a relatively unknown Mexican model/actress by the name of Blanca Soto. (Coincidentally, she's also one of the bikini cable installers in the DirecTv ad that was prominent during the playoffs.) Unless Yellowbook has also opted to sponsor the Finals, her presence will be greatly diminished over the next few weeks. I find that greatly disappointing. In the meantime, if you were wondering what she looks like out of her wedding dress, here are a few photos of the lovely lady.

Pau Gasol Channels His Inner Yogi Berra

After much anticipation, the Celtics/Lakers NBA Finals has finally arrived. For what it's worth, my bet is on the Celtics in six. Unfortunately, I placed that wager prior to hearing Pau Gasol break down what goes into winning a championship:

(Update: Now edited to include wacky, cartoon audio!)




Am I going crazy, or did that actually make sense? Actually, I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.

This McLaren Went Zero To Sixty In Under Four Seconds

I consider myself to be somewhat of an avid baseball fan, but if prior to tonight you had asked me me who the current manager of the Seattle Mariners is, the best I could have come up with was, "I know the team gave Mike Hargrove a nervous breakdown, but I have no idea who got suckered into that gig. Is Ichiro a player/manager?"

Turns out the correct answer (for now) is John McLaren, and while he hasn't really been a household name this season, he did manage to make an impression tonight. After being swept by the Angels to fall 15.5 games behind first place, McLaren let reporters know that he's mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore:




Then he stormed out of the press room- most likely to find Mariner Moose and punch him in the face.

This team is badly in need of a slumpbuster. Unfortunately for them, the Seattle City Council just made that scouting process a little more difficult. Seriously, if you can't console yourself after a tough loss by getting a vanilla soy latte from a barista wearing electrical tape on her nipples, well what's the point of loving baseball anyway?

Ladies, I Will Have It My Way. And No, You Cannot Use Your Hands.

Once again, the American tv viewer is getting the shaft. Over here, a Burger King commercial consists of a guy wearing a costume with a giant head and freaking people out with every visit. Meanwhile in Europe, the BK ads are so visually stimulating that they even manage to make soccer look interesting:


http://view.break.com/510018 - Watch more free videos

Ok, so maybe the ending is a bit of a buzzkill, but by British dental standards, those ladies are still solid eights.

C'mon, US television geniuses. You've already taken The Office and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire from England and made them hits here- how about giving The King a day off and throwing some porn stars on a gridiron instead? Do that, and I might even be compelled to order a Loaded Steakhouse Burger for the second time in my life. I won't be able to bring myself to actually eat that vile mound of crap, but I'll at least order it.

Manchester and Chelsea Deadlocked In A Pitcher's Duel

I'm not really much of a soccer fan, but I'm trying to give this Manchester United v Chelsea match a shot. I'm admittedly having some trouble getting into it, but I think it's because unlike everyone in attendance, I'm sober. I need to rectify that situation.

But hey, at least I've got the Manchester United song down:

You Know It's Getting Late When You're Taping Together A Ram's Head

Here's the rally goat/ram that made its way to the Padres dugout as the People Against Goodness and Normalcy (*bonus points if you actually know that reference) did everything they could to put an end to last night's marathon game:



It's a shame the trophy didn't work. Then the "late night ramming" could have enjoyed such other bestial motivators** in baseball lore as the Rally Monkey, the Happy Beaver, and the Cross-Eyed Panda of Good Fortune.

*-bonus points may be indicator that you watch too many late night movies on Starz, Encore, etc.
**- some items on list may have just been bad hallucinations
***- dear god, i need sleep

Tell Ron Artest About The Rabbits Again

With Bob Barker in retirement, PETA has taken the reigns as the leader in the campaign to convince people to have their pets spayed or neutered. They've launched an ad campaign that has featured John McEnroe, model Dita Van Teese, and their latest spokesperson...Ron Artest! Yes, in their search for the right person to deliver a message on treating animals humanely, PETA opted to go with a guy who was recently accused of animal cruelty. This video appears to have been filmed last summer, but according to PETA, the campaign itself is new:



(For a clearer version of this video, check out PETA's official blog, "The PETA Files." By the way, I think it's a reflection of the insular nature of the organization that PETA doesn't realize their blog is a play on words for child molesters.)

Edited from this clip is Ron looking at his pooch, John Henry, and saying, "Did you know that you have to feed your doggies too? I thought they could just hunt for their own."

To be fair, it's possible that Ron Artest's dog sitter was to blame for neglecting his dogs for a month. Also Ron-Ron sounds very sincere when he talks about volunteering in an animal shelter to "pet the doggies." Actually, as erudite reader JSon pointed out to me, he sounds a lot like Lennie Small, the mentally deficient but good-hearted farmhand from "Of Mice and Men" who dreams of living off the fat of the land and tending to his rabbits. Artest actually comes off as sympathetic if you imagine him hanging out in one of Sacramento's many farms and believing he has a chance for a championship on that team of D-leaguers (sorry, Quincy Douby).

The conspiracy theorist would note that David Stern has been influenced by PETA in the past when he experimented with switching from a leather to a synthetic ball for a few months. As Artest has had many run-ins with Stern (including a recent suspension after allegations of domestic abuse), it's possible that Artest agreed to do this spot to earn favor with the commissioner. This actually makes sense. Stern has lost control of the media and the owners, but at least he can still bully around a couple of players to make himself feel powerful. Maybe next week, he can get Carmelo Anthony to talk about how flying to Paris is easier than traveling to god-forsaken Seattle,

Giant Heads, Tiny Brains

I'm busy doing my Bud Selig impersonation and trying to cook the books so it appears like I didn't make any money last year. Although this Wired article is making me wonder if all the loot I shelled out on UCLA tickets is actually a legitimate write-off, in which case, showing a loss next year will be all too easy.

In the meantime, how about a video filler? Presenting, "Idiots wearing mascot uniforms, doing idiotic things...with predictable results":

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Those Seats At Angel Stadium Have A Nice View

Between the Dodgers being two-hit by the greatest regular season pitcher in the league, Jake Peavy, and the Bruins inability to contain Derrick Rose or hit an outside jumper, it was a tough day to be a fan in the greater Los Angeles area.

Well...maybe not for all fans. The Angels did win, and I'll bet the people sitting in this general area had a pretty good day:




Nice to see the girls from the Anaheim Hooters going to the game for a change instead of the other way around. (Tho the "blonde" Asian working on her posture might work at California Girls Gentlemen's Club. I'm not sure, but I'm willing to find out.)

Kobe's Moved From Rapin' To Heart Stabbin'

When Stu Lantz first started working as a television commentator for the Los Angeles Lakers in 1987, he was working alongside the loquacious Chick Hearn, and as such, he rarely actually spoke. Since Hearn's passing in 2002, Stu Lantz has become more and more vocal as his new partner, Joel Meyers, isn't quite the presence that Hearn was. Usually, Lantz's style is to describe a replay in the "voice" of the person being highlighted. (Example: "Fisher says, 'I'm gonna drop the ball off to Pau.' And then Pau says, 'Thanks Fish, I'll take it from here.' And he slams it home.") However during the deciding moments of last night's Lakers/Blazers game, Stu tried to mix in an analogy. It starts off fine, but then it all goes awry as he tries to stretch the metaphor:





For those who have YouTube blocked at work, here is a transcript:

See, that's one thing I like about that #24: When he gets you on life support, he won't give you mouth-to-mouth. He pulls the plug. A lot of guys get you on mouth to mouth- I mean on life support- they wanna hug and kiss and..revive ya. Kobe says, "Not havin' it. I get ya there, I'm stabbin' ya in the heart."

As tortured as the analogy seems, Stu has been covering the Lakers for over 20 years; so I suppose he must know what he's talking about. A cursory look through the history books provides a few examples to support his claim.

Game 7, 2000 Western Conference Finals. The Portland Trailblazers have a 75-60 lead in the fourth quarter of a game they've been dominating. Seeing that the Lakers are on life support, Rasheed Wallace inexplicably goes to the Lakers bench to tell Rick Fox that he wants to kiss him. (Perhaps not that inexplicable if you've seen Fox's eyes.) This leaves Arvydas Sabonis one-on-one with Shaquille O'Neal, who proceeds to score nine 4th quarter points and ignite the Lakers to the biggest comeback in game 7 history.

Game 4, 2002 Western Conference Finals. Just seconds away from a commanding 3-1 series advantage, the Sacramento Kings needed only to secure a rebound to be well on their way to the NBA Finals. Seeing just a few ticks left on the clock, Vlade Divac decides to reach out an arm to hug Shaquille O'Neal, leaving him with just one arm available to get the ball. Vlade is forced to slap the ball to the three point line towards a wide open Robert Horry, who proceeds to make history.

2002 NBA Finals. Kobe Bryant stabs Jason Kidd in heart (video unavailable).

My apologies, Stu. I guess a lot of guys do lack Kobe's instinct afterall. Still, I have to hope that Mr. Lantz never finds me unconscious, as I am uncertain of his revival methods. Also, what was wrong with just stopping at pulling the plug once someone's on life support? Why we gotta get all stabby-stab with the thing? Stabbing people on life support- even Quintin Tarantino thinks that's messed up. But at least the Lakers broadcast finally has a new catchphrase to replace Chick's "This game's in the refrigerator." Now once the Lakers have an insurmountable lead, Stu can proclaim, "Time to stab grammy in the heart. This thing is over."

The Detroit Tigers Cameras Are Directed By Zalman King

As noted earlier today at With Leather, Reanen Maxwell, a former scoreboard operator at Comerica Park has filed a lawsuit against the Detroit Tigers because:

"Tigers photographers routinely shot inappropriate "soft core videos" of female fans at baseball games."

The suit sounds dubious as even using the most conservative definition of "soft core," it's hard to believe that such a practice would go unnoticed in this hypersensitive and hyperhorny culture of ours. My initial instinct was to dismiss the claim as being little more than retaliation from a puritanical (and/or fat,old) former employee. But then I remembered that I still had the 9th inning of Justin Verlander's no-hitter on my Tivo, so I figured I'd rewatch it to see if there was any evidence that the claim might have any merit at all. I was shocked by what I discovered.

The first few crowd shots are pretty standard fare. Fans clapping, old men high-fiving...nothing out of the ordinary here. But if you look real closely and don't blink at the wrong time, you'll notice that after Verlander gets the 2nd out of the ninth, a cameraman does seem to focus in on one woman in particular. See for yourself:



Wow. I mean, just...wow. I didn't even know Comerica had bedroom suites- these modern ballparks sure are something. I can't even show you what happens after Verlander gets the 3rd out. That footage depicts individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.

Someone should just cut Reanen (Ms. Maxwell, if you're nasty) a check right now.

Bruce Pearl Would Like to Run the Spread Offense With Erin Andrews

March is right around the corner and this is usually the time of year that serious contenders for the NCAA championship start playing their best basketball in preparation for the tournament. However more than anything, this past week has exposed flaws in all of this year's favorites to win the title. Fortunately for these teams, recent history- as illustrated by Florida the last two seasons- has shown that losses in late February can be overcome. Nonetheless, if these hopeful champions want to realize their dreams, they all have something to work on over the next few weeks.

A few observations from the day in hoops:

I've never seen a John Calipari practice, but I can only assume he runs it like one long pickup game. That's the only way I can explain that Memphis' entire offensive scheme seems to be "whoever has the ball- try to take your guy off the dribble." Granted, their guards are quick enough that it's not the worst strategy; but once they encounter a team that plays good interior help defense, they're in trouble. The other problem with playing like it's a pickup game is that there aren't any free throws on the playground, and it looks like the Tigers don't want to shoot any in regular games either. Memphis is still in line to get a #1 seed, but if I were a fan of any of the teams ranked #5-8 right now, I'd really be hoping my team was given the #2 seed in the Tigers bracket.

UCLA managed to rally to win today, but they have some red flags of their own on offense. Namely, their outside shooting has completely abandoned them. Josh Shipp is now in an 0 for 20 slump from beyond the arc and looks very hesitant with the ball in his hands. Combine that with what have been some very stagnant offensive sets (From the first team, at least. Lorenzo Mata-Real has actually provided a lot of energy and motion for the team recently) and you've got a team that struggles to score in the halfcourt game. Fortunately for the Bruins, they force a lot of turnovers to get points in transition and Kevin Love is able to sell contact to get to the free throw line. Still, if they want to return to the Final Four, somebody (ideally Shipp, but otherwise Westbrook) is going to have to become a viable threat from outside.

Speaking of Love, he looked very lethargic throughout the game today. Actually, he looked downright sleepy. I don't know if he was out at a karaoke bar with Maarty Leunen all night or what, but he certainly wasn't in any condition to be on a basketball court. At one point in the first half, he took a hit under the basket and stayed on the floor for an extended period of time. I don't think he was hurt either. I'm pretty sure he was taking a nap.

The Pac-10 has been spending the last month trumpeting themselves as the best conference in the country, but I want to dispel that myth right now. For one, Washington State, Arizona State, and Oregon are all playing a worse brand of basketball now than they were a month ago. But more importantly, you can't be the best conference in basketball if you have the worst officiating in basketball; and this season, the zebras have established a new low. Trying to figure out how a Pac-10 official is going to call any given play is like trying to guess where the Plinko chip is going to land in Price is Right.

With all of the coaches, players, and fans yelling at you for every perceived mistake, I never understood why anyone would want to be a referee- unless maybe you hated basketball players growing up and this was your way to get revenge. It seems like such a thankless job. But then I learned today about one of the fringe benefits of being an official- reach arounds with nubile, young cheerleaders:


Combine that with the fact that you can be utterly incompetent and still never get fired, and maybe it's not that bad of a gig afterall...

Wendy Nix was working the sidelines for ESPN during the Indiana mutiny at Northwestern, which I think is a good assignment for her, as she is "Midwestern hot." I can't really figure her look out. She's either a former big girl who lost a lot of weight or she's a former skinny girl who's now on the precipice of getting big- kind of like a one-time beauty pageant contestant when she becomes a housewife...

As for the Hoosiers, it looks like it is not only his players but also his coaches who are distraught about Kelvin Sampson's dismissal. At this point, it's hard to imagine Indiana being able to put it together and make a deep run into the tournament. I think their only hope might be if Kelvin Sampson puts on a disguise and coaches from the stands, a la Bobby Valentine for the Mets back in the day.

I didn't see the Kansas/Oklahoma State game, but just judging by the box score, it looks like the only reason Kansas lost is because they let a 5'11" guard go to the line 18 times. I'm not sure how that happens, but in a season that features guards such as Derrick Rose, Eric Gordon, Darren Collison, Jerryd Bayless, Russell Westbrook, and DJ Augustin, there are plenty of reasons for Jayhawks fans to be nervous about another early exit in March.

So now Tennessee is the new number one team in the land. It's a ranking they've certainly earned by winning at Memphis, and their victory today was even more impressive when you consider that Volunteers coach Bruce Pearl was more focused on penetrating Erin Andrews' defense than that of Memphis. I know Tennessee is known for their hound dogs, but let's take it down a notch, ok Bruce? You're coming off greasier than that bronzing cream you rub on your body before each game. Here's a snippet from one of their encounters today. Check out the Berman eyes he gives her:



I do kind of like the role reversal tho. Usually it's the ESPN personalities who are drooling over the coaches. Maybe it's time for coaches to return the favor.

Just don't pull that stunt with Erin Andrews while Brent Musburger is calling the game or he'll whoop your ass.

(photo from The Big Lead)

Finally a Video Game That's Fundamentally Sound

I got next.



(HT: Deadspin)

Reggie Miller Is All About Releasing on the Titty

I've got to hand it to NBA analysts- it seems like every game, I learn something new from them. Hubie Brown breaks down the Xs and Os of the game. Bill Walton teaches the viewer about world history and ancient civilizations. Tonight (after rewinding a few times to confirm that I actually heard what I thought I heard), I discovered during the 3-point contest that Reggie Miller's expertise is in dissecting the anatomy of the basketball court:



I've played a few pickup games in my life, and I'm pretty sure that this isn't really a term used on the playground- so where did Reggie learn it? My guess is that when Reggie Miller was younger, it was his sister Cheryl that taught him how to shoot three pointers. At the time, a young Reggie wasn't yet strong enough to release the ball from over his head, and so Cheryl instructed him to "shoot from the titty," and they just happened to be standing down by the baseline at the time.

But if Reggie's right, then I assume that it would follow that: getting trapped in the corner would be known as "squeezing the titty;" missing a potential game-winning shot from that spot would be "tough titties;" and of course a shot from the baseline which rattles around before going in must be known simply as a "motorboat."

The NBA...Where "Titty" Happens.

Presenting a Slice of History, With OJ Simpson

Over the last few months, I've been an unabashed critic of the Fanhouse's Michael David Smith, and perhaps I've been a bit unfair. Sure, he assaults his readers with a daily avalanche of filler in order to boost his post count. And yeah, I guess an honest assessment would reveal that he's devoid of anything even remotely resembling an interesting writing style. I suppose it's true that his sycophantic behavior towards anyone even peripherally related to the NFL Network or ESPN undermines his overall credibility (although he did call Sean Salisbury a big meanie earlier today). And now that you mention it, yes he does look like your stereotypical child molester, although that's not entirely his fault.

But I do have to give credit where credit is due; and when it comes to research skills, MDS is without parallel in the world of quasi-independent blogs. Today while scouring the internet, he discovered this clip from a 1992 NFL broadcast on NBC, in which Brett Favre relieved an injured Don Majkowski and led the Packers to a 4th qtr, come from behind victory. Your NBC studio consists of Bob Costas, Buddy Ryan, and famed USC running back, OJ Simpson. I should warn you, viewing this clip could be a bit disconcerting:



Looking at that clip with the perspective of the present day was weird, wasn't it? It was almost like viewing a broadcast from an alternate universe. I mean those analysts in the studio were actually analyzing the game of football. Safety had to go with the tight end down the middle in the cover two? The corner needs to funnel the receiver to the inside? What the hell is that?! I want to hear about about a player's grit and determination. I want to hear about "big time players making big time plays." I want to hear about Brett Favre just being Brett Favre. Don't try to make me think. Don't you know that I never played in the NFL, so I couldn't possibly understand?

If he was still willing to give such incisive commentary, I'd rather have OJ Simpson in an NFL studio today than Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, or Jerome Bettis. But unfortunately, we're going to be stuck with guys like Shannon Sharpe, who are more interested in being a cut-up than an analyst. OJ would never stoop to such levels.

Although if I remember correctly, this broadcast wasn't entirely focused on breaking down the X's and O's of the game. In the next segment, OJ Simpson presented his "Worst Person in the World" award to "that dude who's been sleeping with my wife," which obviously inspired some devoted Simpson fan to take care of the problem himself. And now we're stuck with Emmitt Smith trying to learn the English language on live TV. It's all so tragic.

Oh, But For a Fleeting Glimpse of Erin Andrews

A few people have hit me up with emails asking me if I took any pictures of Erin Andrews while I was at the UCLA vs Arizona game. Well, yes I did, but unfortunately, the vast majority of the photos came out blurry. Very disappointing. I would take a shot with everything seemingly in focus, but then when reviewing the photo on my display, it would be a giant blur. Eventually, I began to wonder if ESPN was somehow jamming the autofocus on my camera. Later, I was comforted by the words of Mitch Hedberg, and it was speculated that maybe Erin Andrews is actually blurry in real life. Like Bigfoot.



But after the game, I just happened to stumble across the ESPN production truck (hey if you leave a security gate open, people are going to wonder what's on the other side). Ms. Andrews was kind enough to pose for a quick picture with me (I've cropped myself out of that one for your benefit), and this time she was in focus, but covered in shadows. That girl's a chameleon I tell you! No wonder fellow reptilian, Steve Lavin, is so enamored with her.

Here are the few photos that made the cut:

Shawn Kemp Approves of This Video

Admittedly, this post is the definition of a "filler," but anytime you can put "suck me sexy" into a song, I think that's a message that needs to be shared with as many people as possible. Here's a Will Ferrell song from his upcoming movie about a folding ABA team, "Semi-Pro"



"Baby, wake up. We're naked. And we're humpin' sexy." Man, I miss college.

Let's All Go To The Movies

The daughter of Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips will be belly dancing on the big screen today, and amazingly, that's actually a good thing. In Charlie Wilson's War, Tracy Phillips plays Carol Shannon, a belly dancer from Texas who accompanies Wilson and seduces an Egyptian defense minister. There are brief glimpses of her scene in this trailer:



She's in the shadows mostly, but even still, she sure looks better than Julia Roberts these days. It's really hard to believe that Wade Phillips was able to produce a daughter that looks like this:

It's enough to make you think that this whole genetics things is a fraud. Either that, or that coach's wives have a lot of free time during the season.

(Update: Turns out that With Leather was on this story a week ago. They even used the same pic. I guess that's what I get for trying to spend time outdoors with real live breathing people. Lesson learned.)

Hopefully Michael Will Stick to the Watermelon

The only reason to watch MNF last night would have been if you had fantasy players active in that game. Although if you had a fantasy roster that included players from the Saints and Falcons, your season was probably screwed a long time ago anyway. So assuming you found other things to do, you missed Arthur Blank's enlightened view on second chances:



Uh oh. Sounds like Mr. Blank has been reading too many encyclopedias lately:



...As for the rest of the game, check out the commentary from NFL Adam over at The Hater Nation. I couldn't have written it drunker myself.

Do You Believe In Miracleth?

One of Lou's pep talks finally worked. Not for college football, but rather for the Knicks.



Maybe when New York finally gets around to firing Isiah, they'll offer the job to Lou Holtz? He can't do any worse.

...Also in announcing news, Gus Johnson and Kenny Smith were paired up on the MSG broadcast of the game. After Johnson noted at the end of the 1st quarter that the fans booed the team as they went to the bench but then immediately cheered when the Knicks dancers took the court, Smith had this gem:

"The fans are angry. They're not stupid."

Sometimes It's Business and Personal

College football has changed quite a bit over the years. This wishbone has been replaced by the spread offense. Nebraska and Miami have been replaced as powerhouses by Missouri and West Virginia. Notre Dame coaches went from winning national championships to winning pie eating contests. But one thing that will always be a fundamental part of the game at any level is that at no time will 'Giving an Opponent the Business' be tolerated (38 second mark):



For a historical perspective, the rule was first invoked in what looks like the late 80's: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMBNH98jmK0

Clipper Girl Recreates My Vision for the WNBA

I'll get to football later today, but it's pretty rare for anything noteworthy to happen at a Clippers game, so this gets priority. Besides, it's much easier to embed a video than to think of actual words to type.



A tip of the cap to Bethlehem Shoals at the Fanhouse who first posted this and writes, "This makes me think that we're really shortchanging these ladies when we make them into sex objects."

I agree. Rather than just admire the way a cheerleader looks in a short skirt, we should also appreciate some of this woman's other finer qualities, such as her flexibility and her undeniable skills with a ball in her hand. Also, how about the team attitude demonstrated by the rest of the squad? All of that hugging and jumping and together. Oh how I love the jumping and the hugging.

We really are shortchanging these girls. In fact, I'd say anything less than a row of singles laid out on a rail is just disrespectful.

Honoring Our Veterans

Alright, this one isn't sports-related, but after "Lance Martini" at With Leather pointed me in the direction of the trailer for this movie which pays tribute to the men and women of the armed forces, I just knew I had to share it with as many people as I could.



It's like the Jessica Lynch story, only with more dancing.

If only there were a shower scene, then it would be the greatest military themed movie since "Stripes."

Swiss Miss Retires to Florida Snow

Quick word association.

Martina Hingis? Blow.
Gentle breeze? Blow.
Flowing skirt? Blow, dammit, blow!

Never Graduate

Thanks to Bruins Nation for reminding me of this:



Happy Halloween.

Thank God There's Only One Actober

Blogger is going to be shut down for maintenance in a little bit, so I'll have to wait until late tonight for my football recap. (Ok, it doesn't shut down for 3 more hrs, but honestly, I've got nuthin' right now). In the meantime, here's a nice parody of those god awful Dane Cook Actober commercials, courtesy of SNL's Jason Sudekis.

I Hope John Mellencamp Saved His Residual Checks

The 2006-07 NFL season left us with two indelible impressions: Peyton Manning removing the Steve Young Commemorative Monkey off his back and shipping it to Donovan McNabb, and Chevy and John Mellencamp's assault on America with their "This Is Our Country" campaign. This season, the Patriots and Colts are the preseason front-runners to raise the Lombardi trophy, but which commercial will be able to carry the torch as 30 seconds of interstitial water boarding? Here are the early contenders:

3. Coors Light - Fake Press Conferences

I was going back and forth between this Coors Light campaign and the "It turned blue!" ad that's been running for a few months now. (Seriously, are we really that retarded as a nation that we need color coded labeling to know when something in our refrigerator is cold? Don't answer that, Miss Teen South Carolina.) But the press conference ads get the nod for the sheer volume we can likely expect during the regular season. The ads were moderately entertaining last year when the Jim Mora "Playoffs" rant was featured, but as an ongoing concept, it runs out of steam pretty quickly. To make matters worse, this season's series includes Bill Parcells, who is made insufferable by his Berman-like smugness and misguided belief in his own wit. Now if only the ads were like this inspired parody, then maybe I'd give them another year. (audio NSFW)...


2. Heineken Draughtkeg - Robotic Refreshment

In case you haven't seen it, here's the ad:


Cyborg golden shower scenes may be commonplace in Japanese Anime, but I'm just not sure we're ready for it yet in the United States. Heck, NBC wasn't even willing to cast a hot actress to star in the remake of "Bionic Woman" (which is why it's doomed to failure), so we still obviously have quite a way to go in robot/human sexual relations.

1. Viagra - "Viva Viagra"

This is the landslide winner. It has both of the elements that Chevy used to drive us crazy - a song that you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try, and a company that's willing to buy enough airtime that you're actually surprised when a commercial break passes during a game and you don't hear the commercial. If you've watched the NFL Network at all during the preseason, you've probably already seen this ad 50 times. But for those fortunate few who haven't seen it yet, be prepared this season for an onslaught from these guys:


Congrats, Viagra. You've established yourself as the drug guys reach for when they're having trouble getting it up for a circle jerk in an abandoned roadhouse. Honestly fellas, when it gets to that point, maybe it's just time to call off the fraternity reunions.

Fortunately, with Sunday Ticket, these ads will only be a nuisance during Sunday and Monday night football when there aren't alternative channels to flip to. But between these ads, Tony Kornheiser, and Tiki Barber, what a long six hours those will be.

Wild Wild West

Ok, I can accept that Japan is better than the United States at developing game shows, video games, and gentlemen's clubs. But baseball too?



We really need to step up our game. Maybe Carmen Electra could become a modern day Kissing Morgana or the Dodgers could invite the SC girls to games? Forget steroids, this is where baseball needs to focus its resources, and soon.

The Greatest Soccer Video Ever Made

I don't know if With Leather has posted this clip or not. But even if they have, I'm sure you won't mind a second viewing. Or a third...or a fourth.

Just be careful if you're at work. I know how bosses don't really like it when you actually appear to be happy at the office.



I would have actually watched the womens soccer league - on pay per view, even - if it had been more like that. Well at least the first 10 minutes of it. After that, I may have needed a sandwich and a nap.

YouTube Is The Godsend Of The Lazy Blogger

First there was Kareem Abdul Jabbar in Game of Death:



Then there was Shaquille O'Neal in Steel (video thankfully unavailable).

And now, making the transition from Big Man to Big Screen, here comes Sun Ming Ming:



Apropos of nothing, Chris Tucker reportedly was paid as much as $25 mil + 20% of the gross to make Rush Hour 3. Suddenly, ARod's contract demands of upwards of $30 million a season seem perfectly reasonable...

It's Still Better Than the "Prison Break" World Series

Remember a few years back when one of the Spiderman movies was about to be released and Major League Baseball was planning on putting spider webs on bases for the all-star game, only to be thwarted by public outcry? No? Well, neither does Rex Hudler or Fox Sports Net. This was from Tuesday night's game:



Actually, I think this is a great idea and should be embraced throughout the league. I know that after Mike Piazza homered today, I suddenly had the urge to see "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry." It's a natural synergy.

Japanese Ingenuity Continues to Inspire

I never would have guessed that a competitive match of the old childhood game, "Red Light, Green Light" could be entertaining. But that was before I saw this clip. There's just something about it that I find so enjoyable and uplifting. Maybe it's the feeling of nostalgia for a game I played when life was so much simpler? Maybe it's the inspired 1980 soundtrack that makes me wish this clip wouldn't end? Or maybe it's something else that I haven't quite put my finger on just yet? In any event, enjoy. Oh, and if you're at work, be careful as to who might be looking over your shoulder.



Damn- This really should be an Olympic sport.

I Knew That's What Maria Sharapova Was Screaming

I haven't really had a chance to start following Wimbledon yet. It might have something to do with the 5 am PST starts. Fortunately, there's a video which does a good job capsulizing the experience of watching the women's side of the bracket:



...Add in some red knickers, and you're pretty much caught up going into the weekend.

Jerry Buss Don't Need His Mamba No Mo

Now that Kobe Bryant has gone 24 straight hours without retracting his latest trade demand, I feel it's somewhat safe to actually discuss it. It's hard for me to imagine Kobe sitting out the entire season, which is really the only leverage he has until 2008. But I guess I wouldn't put it past him to pull a Vince Carter and just give 50% effort and fake some injuries until the Lakers relent and trade him. The problem for the Lakers is that it's impossible to get fair value in return for any deal involving Kobe.

Or at least it was until Lakers' scouts stumbled across an unknown diamond in the rough. Expect to hear an announcement in the next few days. Kobe Bryant will be traded to Chuck E Cheese's in exchange for this guy:

Yeah, that's 1,000 points right there. Try to slow that down, Greg Popovich.