The Nightcap, Lohan Edition: Some Like It Hot. Some Like It Used

It looks like after an extended period of longing and hope, Mark Cuban will finally get the guy he wanted, Jason Kidd, on his squad. While Kidd will certainly be able to contribute to the Mavaricks, I have a feeling his play in Dallas will be a bit like the series of topless photos Lindsay Lohan took in tribute to Marilyn Monroe: Some flashes of brilliance, but definitely showing the wear and tear from some rough years, and certainly paling in comparison to the original.

(And yes, I know that my attempt to come up with a metaphor to justify including a Lohan picture was even more transparent than the cloth Lindsay is holding in front of her. But in my defense....boobs.)

In other drug user news: Eric Gagne gave a vague apology to his Milwaukee teammates for "a distraction that shouldn't be taking place." And he's right- there's no reason at all why anyone should have signed Gagne and his batting practice fastball to a major league contract.

Andy Pettitte also spent the day apologizing to anyone who's ever watched a baseball game, C-SPAN, or the 700 club. He also said that the scrutiny and criticism that he and Roger Clemens have received should serve as a deterrent to other athletes who might be considering using performance enhancing drugs, as nobody would want to go through what Roger and he did. Pettitte then excused himself so he could cash his $600,000 biweekly check from the Yankees.

The Angels' Francisco Rodriguez is upset with the organization for refusing to offer him a lucrative, long-term contract and has insinuated that he will leave the team at the end of the 2008 season. He hasn't stated which teams he'd be interested in going to, but one would suspect that he would seek out teams with white undersides to their caps, so as to better conceal any illegal substances he may be using.

Finally, Curt Schilling has said that he is undergoing rehab treatment for his ailing shoulder and there's still a chance he could pitch this year. In fact, he's so confident that he'll make a dramatic return late in the season that he's already prepared a bloody jersey to wear for the occasion.

Something I Ate Gave Me Visions of Elijah. Now I Finally Understand How Some of That Crazy Stuff Got in the Old Testament

Talk about bad timing- late Saturday night, out of nowhere, I came down with some sort of 24 hour illness that totally wiped me out and had on a seesaw of nausea and drifting off into a coma for the entire day Sunday. So instead of attending a Super Bowl party, I ended up watching the game from bed while sipping Gatorade and being grateful that we live in a day and age when a person can pause live TV for emergency sprints to the bathroom. Good times. I'm still not sure what caused it, although earlier Saturday night, I did have an ever-so-brief encounter with Erin Andrews, and she did seem pretty tired herself. And while we didn't exchange any bodily fluids, I did sense some sort of connection between us. Unfortunately, the connection wasn't strong enough to prevent her from pulling free from my grasp.

By the end of the day Sunday, my illness was affecting me to the point where I began hallucinating. At one point, I even thought I saw the Giants win the Super Bowl and Eli Manning named MVP. Crazy, I know.

A few other observations from Sunday that may or may not be true:

Jordin Sparks looked really nervous prior to performing the national anthem, considering that it appeared she had lip-synched the entire thing. Maybe they had trouble with her track skipping during rehearsals? Or it could be that the Giants were planning on using her as a linebacker and she couldn't remember all the blitzing schemes.

It all became moot with a Giants victory, but I have to say that at no point watching the game did I ever feel like I was watching one of the greatest teams of all time. Well, that's not entirely true. When Troy Aikman made his pregame locker room speech, I was reminded what an all-time great team looks like.

With the Patriots' loss, Tom Brady's name is now removed from the list of quarterbacks to start and win multiple Super Bowls without losing a single one. That club is now reduced to: Bart Starr, Terry Bradshaw, Jim Plunkett, Joe Montana, and Troy Aikman.

While Tom Brady is still certainly a lock for the Hall of Fame, this game basically destroyed the chances of another hopeful, and he didn't even play in the game. Tiki Barber, I'm sorry, but any grandiose speech that you may have been planning will have to be reserved for Al Roker.

People are ripping on Bill Belichick for leaving the game early, noting that it displayed a lack of grace, class, or dignity. But I think it was an illustration of just how dedicated to the game coach Belichick really is. Obviously, he was just trying to get an early start on next year's film study.

Was there really a commercial featuring Mickey Rooney and Rosie O'Donnell (ching chong, ching chong Salesgenie.com" as panda bears? I'm not the most politically correct person, but I think that could have been interpreted as demeaning by some. Although it could have been much worse. I heard the original version of the commercial had some monkeys walk in with the pandas yelling at them, "Hurry up and buy!"

Apparently, that wasn't the only commercial that offended people. This is an actual comment left by a Yahoo! reader on MJD's sports blog:
"PULL DORITOS AD

As a parent I will tell you this: that ad is unacceptable and I plan to voice that opinion in as many forums and venues possible including to the FTC and my Congressman. To have to watch that violence displayed so casually and for it to continue like that unstopped is so far from acceptable by anyones' standards that I am beyond upset. But I have the energy, and resources to hold them accountable. How does behaivor like that displayed in that ad get approve?. Well,its about time someone(Doritos) is held accountable legally and in the court of public opinion. Mistake......big mistake on Doritos part. I'm so sick of tolerating these decisions by their board of directors. Period.
Email: rqbisp@yahoo.com"

Here's the ad in question if you need a refresher:


At first, I thought this was an unbelievable overreaction to the "mouse trap" ad, but then I remembered that I was scarred by something similar when I was younger- except instead of a giant mouse, it was my wrestling coach; and instead of a bag of Doritos being taken, it was my virgin ass. So on second thought, you fight the good fight rqbisp@yahoo.com!

Ok, I can't end this post with the story of the first time I was anally raped. That just isn't fair to my readers. So instead, here's some behind the scenes footage from Adriana Lima's Victoria's Secret Super Bowl ad:

You're Watching the Game Anyway: Might As Well Get Paid

FootballGuys.com is hiring writers to recap NFL games for the 2007 season. The pay is $25 per recap, but the fringe benefit is that now you'll have the built in excuse that you have to stay home all day Sunday because it's your job. On the downside, unless you have multiple TVs in your room, you won't be able to flip around between games as much since the recaps require quite a bit of detail.

If interested, you'll need to recap a preseason game and send in an example of your work. More information can be found here.